act like you know

Hello, E.R.

2012-02-12T02:17:00.000+08:00

Trips to the hospital Emergency Room are not unfamiliar to our family. In the last seven years, we've had a lot of them in varying levels of urgency and each was always different from the one before it. Suffice to say, we know how it feels to bring a loved one to the ER. Having never been confined in the hospital, I've always wondered how it felt like to be on the hospital bed, IV drips and all, but not that I wanted to experience it.

Around this time last year, I took a personal trip and experienced it for myself. It was harrowing, it being a 'first' for me in many aspects: first allergic reaction; first time to drive myself to the ER; first time to feel extremely out of breath - the type where you grasp for air not knowing when you're going to pass out; first time to be injected for a hep-lock; and first time to lie in a hospital bed as a patient.

It was the uncertainty of it all that bothered me to a great extent. I didn't know what was happening. I didn't know if I was going to die. I didn't know if I could really trust them with my life. I wasn't sure that they were the best in their fields. Inspite of all my concerns, everything was resolved eventually. The doctors gave a good explanation (enough to satisfy my curious and discerning mind), including a proclamation that I shall avoid eating clams and similar shellfish for the meantime. After that incident, there were three more instances where I had to be brought to the ER. Two of them because of allergies and one because of heartburn. The heartburn was the scariest and most dramatic. I almost had an Armageddon moment when I thought I was having a heart attack, which turned out to be just an extreme case of acid reflux from all the vinegar I had that morning with my longganisa. I was imagining scenarios in my head while they took me around in a wheelchair, transferred to a hospital bed, injected with a hep-lock and attached wires to my chest for ECG. I noticed that the wrist tags were color-coded. The blue ones were for children (pedia), yellow ones were for adults, while red ones were for priority cases (read: SOMEWHAT critical) regardless of age. Camown.

That seemed a lot for a person like me who has never been confined or subjected to any life-saving treatment prior to this, but then again, it all seems minor when mom enters the picture because she always steals the show in terms of levels of urgency. Most of the time, I wouldn't even inform her that I've taken a trip to the ER in order not to stress her. My father, on the otherhand, seemed to make fun of the situation everytime (I think only my mother can really make him enter a state of panic), snapping pictures of my swollen face and fingers and yapping about how I ate too much shellfish, more than what I deserved and this was why the universe was trying to get back at me. Somewhow, that helped ease my worries a bit. Someone with a sense of humor holding my hand in an urgent situation is one thing I'm really thankful for. I had the happiest (and weirdest) emergency bed in the hospital.

Two months into the new year and I haven't had any allergic reaction even when I accidentally ate shellfish. I hope I don't get to take any more trips and that the allergic reaction goes away. It sucks to not be able to eat all the shellfish that I want.

I swear.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I consume alcohol.

2012-02-10T02:55:00.000+08:00

It does NOT consume me.

Needless to say, but I'll say it anyway -- I survived the 7-day sobriety challenge and I've rewarded myself with... er, what else?

YEAH!

The Iceman Cometh. Again.

2012-02-08T03:18:00.000+08:00

Yes. Again.

Kimi Raikkonen is back and I couldn't be happier. F1 needs a driver like him and he is more suited to F1 than any other racing discipline he's tried. I didn't really lose interest in F1 when Raikkonen resigned from Ferrari and decided to do WRC, but I watched less of the races because it became too predictable. Red Bull was just so superior that there wasn't any doubt that they'd finish the season as champions.

Kimi, on the other hand, was okay with WRC. He brought life to the sport. His stature in the racing world is similar to David Beckham in soccer -- he has the ability to draw crowds and encourage them to patronize the Red Bull brand. I've been reading articles where journalists would say that Kimi's presence alone has helped the economy of the sport since he drives attendance and viewership. Too bad it was boring for him. Guess he missed the adrenaline of physically racing with opponents as opposed to setting best times.

I still have to get used to not seeing him in Ferrari Red or Red Bull Blue and the fact that he isn't in a tier-1 team, but I'm not expecting anything grand as of this point. I don't want to be speaking ahead. Just look at Schumacher. The guy just couldn't stop himself.

But at least I have another distraction. Kimi, I hope you win some races this year! I'm excited! :D

This shouldn't be so hard.

2012-02-07T10:33:00.002+08:00

You're just so anal and paranoid. What happened to keeping cool? We want to motivate people and inspire them to work, not make them work because they're scared.

Just saying. No worries, I'll say this to your face, too.

>>>

The Great 7-Day Sobriety Challenge

2012-02-06T00:48:00.000+08:00

People really do underestimate me sometimes. I have officially begun a 7-day no alcohol challenge last Friday and I'm determined to see it through. This, after someone made a bet with me saying I couldn't stay away from alcohol for seven days straight. Of course, it was up to me to prove him wrong. My competitive side will always be evident in instances like this. I love being challenged and rising up to it, moreso when almost everyone says I couldn't do it.

Friday was movie night. I got three calls for booze last Saturday and turned them all down. Turned down a drinking invite yesterday and this afternoon, too. All these people from different sets of friends said the same thing: sober for 7 days? Not happening.

Funny, there are too many non-believers that I'm actually second-guessing myself. I'm beginning to doubt that I could do it, too. Imagine that ice-cold bottle after a long day at work.... NO. I cannot imagine. It's now less of winning a bet and more of proving to myself that I can set my mind into doing something and actually achieving it. It is senseless and totally useless, but I'm prepared to see it through.

Day 4, here we go.

>>>>>

Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.

2012-01-20T03:08:00.002+08:00

Now I can write about it (because I think I'm a better writer than a speaker and because I've realized that tributes should be given to people while they're alive, not when they're dead).

There's not a lot of people who would use the words cool and awesome on their bosses, but I'm one of them. I must say I'm really blessed to get Obi Wan Kenobi, Yoda, Mr. Miyagi and Dino Tengco rolled into one!

He is many things to many people and I've seen him go out of his way to ensure the happiness of those he cares about. To me he is a giver of wisdom, knowledge and alcohol. He's primarily a boss who morphs into a brother figure, friend and life coach slash drinking buddy. His is the voice that challenges me to do better everytime, in everything (surprise parties included).

His 40th was an opportunity for me to give him something in return in my own little way. Not only because he asked for it, but also because he deserved it. When he first said he wanted a surprise party, I remember shrugging it off and thinking to myself: that's a tall order. Imagine having to pull-off a surprise event for a guy who organizes surprise events? It's like getting hired to be Michael Schumacher's family driver.

As his birthday drew closer, it became clearer to me that I was really going to have to do it for him. Not that I needed to be pushed to do so. I wanted to do it, too. I just wished I could execute it the way I envisioned it, but of course, we did have certain limitations. It's great that someone came forward to fund it (hehe) and sort of initiate it.

For all that he is and for all that he is not, I want to see him happy and I'm glad to have had the chance to do this for him. That night felt like what he probably feels everytime he does something for someone -- that genuine feeling of happiness in making someone feel appreciated and loved. He may have had another agenda in pushing for his own surprise party, but I guess we all had our own takeaways after everything's said and done. :)

Few can say that they have superiors who can put up with their quirks. I know I have to put up with his occasionally, but he really doesn't have to deal with mine... and yet he does. Honestly, it could be a bit hard to get to me. I'm not exactly easy to get close to, but if people get to me, they get me for life... but this does not pertain to an employment contract. If that whirlwind romance happens, I can't promise anything anymore. HAHAHA. Anyway, even if I don't agree with some of the choices that he makes, just like all of my friends, I will always have his back. That's not to say I'll turn a blind eye - he will also always have a piece of my mind whether he likes it or not (because I'm stubborn this way), but nonetheless, right or wrong, I'm on his side... because Robin will never leave Batman no matter what.

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It's the time of the month...

2012-01-16T14:23:00.003+08:00

for sappy love songs. Yes, sappy love songs. It's one of 'em days. I couldn't work without music and I couldn't work with my usual playlist. So today, it has to be sappy. It just has to be. I have to listen to random lyrical depression and stay silent and sullen, taking in the quiet, reflective mood as if the lyrics spoke of my life story. Until I realized, it doesn't. It's quite depressing that I have nothing to be depressed about, so I'm in a funk for the sake of being in a funk, just because the universe calls for it. Nothing is really wrong. Nothing is amiss. It's just the way it is... for the next five to seven days at best. No one is allowed to be giddy happy all the time. There has to be a dip somewhere and this is it.

In between emails and phone calls are my iPod and Twitter. And in between them is blogger as a form of release. I have to qualify that my brand of sappy isn't as sappy as your brand of sappy. I'm not listening to Kenny Loggins or Bread or Martin Nievera. Mawkish music is brought to me by bands like Switchfoot, Aqualung, The Script, One Republic, Daniel Powter, Dashboard Confessional and the like, and they put me in a pensive mood, seriously. Songs like this one, playing on my iPod now:

Dare You To Move

Switchfoot

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here

Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
What happens next?

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift
Yourself up off by the floor

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
The tension is here

Between who you are
And who you could be
Between how it is
And how it should be yeah

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift
Yourself up off by the floor

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go? Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself
To lift yourself up off by the floor

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

I need ANOTHER trip to the beach.

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Hi, 2012!

2012-01-15T01:08:00.001+08:00

I realized that I haven't written my yearender for 2011. And with that realization, I shall take no action! Haha. The questionnaire I usually answer now seems boring to me so I'll probably just summarize it.

2011 was a relatively great year. My social life was busier, and liver more hardworking than ever. I've always said that I might have just a few friends, but the ones I have are all I need. And this still remains true. I've met new people, but I've been closer to my inner circle. My friends have always been there for me through the years, and after more than a decade, I didn't think we could grow closer than we already were. But in 2011, we did. I think it was a year of strengthening relationships. I bonded with a lot of people and in the process, discovered a lot about myself, too. In 2011, I've had a lot of realizations and have become more open to things and feelings that I wasn't keen on acknowledging before. I learned how to enjoy moments, live in the present and forget about the future for a while.

There were those nights spent in the company of good friends where we'd get just a little buzzed but nonetheless drunk in good conversation, long talks and endless laughter, some of them ending just before the sun rose. 12 days after we welcomed 2011, I fell on my knees on the streets of Burgos Circle, inebriated and a little bit high, giddy, happy and shameless. I gathered all the confidence in me, stood up, held the hands of my friends, laughed a bit, took a few steps and then fell again. So we repeated the procedure: Gathered confidence, held the hands of friends, laughed a bit... took a few steps, successfully entered the bar, went up the stairs and fell on my knees again. I fell thrice in one night, all those times I got up and laughed. This was pretty much how I dealt with life's blows in 2011: I gave myself a chance to laugh at... myself each time I fell and then I rose from the fall like nothing happened. Having the ability to laugh at myself eases the blows and in some way provides an outlet for me to acknowledge my misgivings in a way that I'm comfortable with.

I celebrated my 28th birthday in Boracay, my happy place, and it was one of the memorable moments I had in 2011. At the stroke of midnight, I was in the company of good friends having drinks by the beach coupled with an awesome party playlist, walking, dancing and skipping on the shore while I spoke to my family and friends on the phone. I couldn't have done it better. Until now, I smile whenever I remember the good times.

Then there were the epic trips to Batangas and Bacolod with the Barracudas, Cebu, Naga and Singapore for work, weddings, bridal showers, trips to Tagaytay every now and then, Thirstdays (and all the other days), BF Hits, Resorts World, Nuvali, Walking Tours of Manila etc. with the GGirls, Mercato / Banchetto / Foodtown and Soderno nights, the one-on-one nights at Gweilo, Agave, Eastwood, everywhere else (I swear even Tomas Morato AND Strumm's), including of course that Tiendesitas night that started in Hap Chan and ended in Jollibee with my not-so-horrible boss, Breakfast Club mornings, Pilipinas Tara Na shooting nights and day meetings, the food trips after and the great search for balut footage at 4 in the morning, the crazy family gatherings, wine nights, Starbucks nights, movie nights, the concerts (Incubus, Justin Bieber... SIDE A (don't you even!))... so yeah, that's pretty much how I spent my year. Fun, yes?

For the most part, yes, except for a last-minute mom scare which still ended well. 2011 was a pretty good year for me and as with every year that ended and a new one began, I'm thankful for all the people in my life: A wonderful family filled with so much love, laughter, drama and annoyance; a crazy set of friends who always talks sense into me then takes it away; and work, work and more work, including all the people who love me and all the people who hate me at work - the feeling is mutual. I love and hate them, too! :)

Twenty Twelve, just by the way we say it, already sounds so much fun. I heard it's a good year for most of the signs, astrology-wise. May the stars align and make it our best yet.

LET'S DO THIS! :)

>>>>>>>>

"A family that does not give up on each other because love reigns among us."

2012-01-14T00:47:00.000+08:00

Today's tears-in-my-eyes moment was brought to me by my Lola. I only knew one grandmother, my dad's mom, since my mother's mother already passed away long before I was born. When Wawa was alive, I was able to express my appreciation to her countless times -- for giving birth to my father, raising him well and teaching him to raise me well, too. A lot of the things that shaped who I am now was influenced by Wawa and Wowo. Unlike some children who've had broken families, absentee or overprotective parents, my cousins and I were never out of love. We were taught that family was indispensable. It's the only thing constant in the world. This is why I could never understand family feuds, siblings who fight with each other much less kill each other or parents who create factions among their children. What the fuck are they talking about? We were taught that whatever happens, wrong or right, our family will always be behind us.

On the occasion of Wawa's birthday (Jan. 14), one of our aunts posted her speech during her 85th birthday in 2005. I remember that this was the first big event that I hosted. I was 22 years old. Reading the speech, you will see how Wawa was very much the head of the family that she was. Our guiding strength. I love and I miss you so terribly! :(

Remarks by Ofelia C. Mirasol, January 14, 2005

Good evening to all of you!

They say that life begins at 40, 50, 60, 70 or 80 but to me life begins at 85. They say that if you have long ears, you will live a long life. They say that the bad grass never die...When I look at the mirror and see my ears, "Oh my God! Will I live long and am I as bad as I am supposed to be?"

But the Lord is in charge because my life was chartered before I was born. Thy will be done Lord! If I still have a mission, I'll take it willingly as I have done your command -- "Go forth and multiply." Thanks to Adam and Eve. When Joe and I started, we had nothing on but ourselves and now we have 7 children, 21 apos and apos sa tuhod and still counting.

Growing older is a beautiful experience. I began to appreciate the value of life, the joy of living. I won't stay long for I am not strong as in my youth, having fun, playing tennis and pelota, bowling, swimming and jogging three kilometers a day. My eyes are getting dimmer, my knees getting weaker. Names and places I can't even remember. It is but natural and rational that everyone must go home soon like a sailor coming home from his journey.

My job is done! These years are bonus years for me. Thank you, Lord, for guiding and protecting me. Healing Marilyn, one of my dauthers from the big C and guiding my grandson Dino.

Great is your mercy, your blessing plenty. I give my thanks to all of you, relatives and friends especially to a very, very good friend so caring and true. To Msgr. Jose for our friendship all these years, a good chaplain to our CFM group and was the moving spirit in the construction of the Divine Mercy Shrine in Mandaluyong.

Papa, I know you are with us tonight, against all odds we were able to raise our children well to be the persons they are now, gave them the best education we could have afforded.

To my children who made this affair possible, to my daughters-in-law Jane and Matett, sons-in-law Jun, Willie, Tek and Aaron, I love you all. You have been very good to me. You are my precious possessions... A family that finds its glory not in its perfection but in its ability to weather the storms of life. A family that does not give up on each other because love reigns among us.

Thank you to the singers. They got their talents from their genes. Maybe 10% of it from my father and mother because during their youth, they were very much involved in the zarzuelas. All of these children are members of the choir in the parish of Mandaluyong and in their respective parishes now. Maki took lessons from the Pop Center of the Philippines and Dida from the Yamaha Music School.

Good night everybody, thank you for coming.

Nay to the naysayers. I only have to answer to myself (and my immediate superiors). And I type this with a smile on my face.

2012-01-05T03:25:00.000+08:00

I feel the judgment from some people who probably don't think I'm doing my job well. Honestly, I recognize that they have the right to do so. Anyone can judge, complain or criticize when they think that things are in disarray. I just hope they also take time to see beneath the surface and not take everything at face value. I also don't appreciate how one's opinion becomes another's, a sort of collective thinking that they eventually believe to be the truth. I've already said that I'm often not confrontational, and in this instance, I also don't see the necessity of explaining myself and using up all that energy. I acknowledge that I have misgivings from time to time because no one's perfect. But it's not like I party all night and not go to work the next day. I work hard and party hard. Oftentimes, the gigs after work even seem like a reward, like I deserve it, because I worked. So I really don't need to explain myself to any of them. Call me arrogant but there are many ways of fixing things. I'm way younger but I sometimes feel like I'm way older in thinking. THEIR way isn't helping at all. It's not helping improve the organization; it could even be stunting its growth. Unfortunately, we'll have to live with it because it's too late to take it out of the system.

Damned if you and damned if you don't. So the best resort is to keep the peace. WWJD (what would Joy do)? LAUGH. My seven years of passion for excellence is supported by a sense of responsiblity and an even greater sense of humor, without which work becomes an unbearable blackhole that will suck the life out of us and drive us to insanity.

And yes, thank God for Beer.

*Blogging via mobile on my bed in Boracay Beach Club. HELLS YEAH!

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Only losers make decisions when things are bad. The time to rejig your life is the time when it's seemingly smooth.

2011-12-05T23:29:00.001+08:00

'Nuff said.

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Manual Transmission

2011-11-21T00:51:00.001+08:00

Mentoring is harder than I thought. On one hand, there is that desire to see an individual come out from under your shadow, take flight, flourish and soar. On the other hand is the process which an individual has to go through with a mentor in preparation for that flight.

I'm not the confrontational type. I've always thought that it's such a waste to be pouring out all of my energy into a negative issue. Why should I stress myself out, right? I'd rather give the cold shoulder than explain myself. I don't like dealing with issues, much less getting caught in them. I couldn't care less about local show business or even Hollywood. I'm only interested in some of the details so that I'm in the know, but I don't really give a damn who impregnated who. In real life, I'll be most likely inclined to just give you what you want in order for you to just shut up. I'm guilty of bribing traffic enforcers sometimes just so I won't go through the hassle of having to claim my driver's license after I inadvertently violated a rule. But then I realized, that doesn't work for people who look up to you as a mentor. More so at work. We can't just let things slide. They might not even realize it, but they kind of expect you to steer them to the right direction. That I can do. I have seven years worth of experience and wisdom that I can share. But along with this mentoring chore comes dealing with issues.

I have to admit that I probably don't handle issues well. Maybe I don't have it in me yet. And in this hesitation to deal with issues, I've probably, unwittingly influenced a culture that permits mediocrity. Where puedeng puede na. Puedeng di bale na. Puede yung "hindi ko kaya" at "ewan ko", which is sad for an institution that is known for its excellence. Many people do not know what happens behind-the-scenes of every successful project, or even a well-written press release. I really miss the days when everyone worked together seamlessly. That gelling together that I've always described as a flawless pit stop - everyone knew what to do and everyone did what they did well. No need to tell each other what to do. We just knew.

From an almost futuristic autopilot system, I'm now on manual transmission. If I didn't know how to operate the clutch-brake-gear-gas, the engine dies, the car will stop... and if I didn't know the clutch-brake balance, I'm going to find myself rolling down in reverse should I encounter traffic at the skyway on-ramp.

The next time I wake up, it'll be Monday and we'll be starting a brand new week at work. Here we go.

What are We Supposed to Do Anyway?

2011-11-20T23:37:00.000+08:00

Life. It's one of those existentialist conversations that we in the twentysomethings almost always find ourselves in, but never really get close to getting a satisfying answer. More often than not, topics like this are only meant to be discussed, argued about, dissected and what not, but never really resolved. At 28, I'm wondering if I'm really living my life for what it's worth. Am I really making the most out of it? Is this what it is? Or am I sitting here wasting time when I could be doing something more? Am I wasting time or maximizing it?

Time. Ten years later, will I tell myself that I shouldn't have wasted time and should've done something more or will I get to say that whatever it is that I achieve in ten years was worth the wait and that I was right about patiently going through life?

Change. My fear is that one day, I'll realize that I'm living life a little too cautiously in that I can't seem to leave my comfort zones, whatever they are, and when I'm finally ready to take risks, the moment has passed me by. I'm not afraid of change, but at the same time, I seem to be too lazy to instigate change. Why fix what's not broken, right? That's not to say anything needs changing, though. I'm just saying that I might be too fixated looking at the details that I might be missing the big picture.

Now. I've always said that my mantra is to live in the now, make the most of the present, and worry about the future only a little bit, not a lot. Lately, I realize that living in the now is the mantra of the early to mid twenty somethings. In the late 20s and early 30s, people start thinking seriously about life direction along with the maturing of the wardrobe. I wonder if when I'm 35, will it still be cool for me to say, like, "Yeah, you know, I'm happy! I go with the flow, wherever life takes me. I don't know where I'll be tomorrow, but I'm there for sure!". Wouldn't it be funny for a 35-year old to not have the least bit disposition in life? Even rockstars take life-changing turns when they're 35. That is if they're lucky enough to live beyond their 20s.

Random. This is probably me thinking too much again, but these random moments of rumination are hard to avoid. I have them all the friggin' time. I think it's a healthy exercise, though, to be thinking about the future while dealing with the present, but of course without forgetting the past.

And so, I shall stay put and try to milk life for what it's worth. It's not like I'll open my eyes to a new morning tomorrow and tell myself, "So today I'm going to change the world." Che. That only happens in movies. I'll deal with things as they come. I can look at it as plain laziness to instigate change, the lack of hunger to do more and change the world. Or I can look at it as confidence, bravery and awesomeness -- that self-assured way of knowing that I hold my life in my hands and I can turn it into anything I want it to be.

After all, isn't everything just a matter of perspective?

...

Verdict: STILL inconclusive.

Come Together, Right Now.

2011-11-13T02:15:00.001+08:00

Someone tweeted that if you find yourself still awake at 2:00 a.m. with nothing to do, chances are you'll be contemplating life and the drama begins. Well, guess it depends on the time of the month. Last week was really tough in terms of battling the hormonal shiz. The worst part is willing yourself to get in a good mood when you're really not. It just gets to you sometimes in varying degrees. I reread what I posted last week and realized that I'm not in the same position anymore. In an instant, things have changed and I didn't even notice. I'm not in a rut or in a funk. I can't say I'm happy because I'm not sure, but I seem to be okay.

It's bad enough that women have to bleed regularly, but was it really necessary to correlate it to drama-inducing hormones? I hate the feeling when I'm irritable or annoyed, and for some reason, I always zero in on just one person for the day and the selection is random. I observed that I react to hormonal imbalance in two ways: either I get really, really irritable (like I'm-not-typing-your-name-but-this-tweet-is-definitely-for-you irritated) or feel really, really sad (like I'm-listening-to-sad-songs-on-my-ipod-and-I'm-tweeting-the-lyrics-because-I-hate-my-life depressed). I don't know which one I like better. The short term solution is to get alcohol in my system. This last statement is a win-win thing. I drink when I'm extremely happy and I drink when I'm extremely sad. I also drink in between the extremes.

uhhh. What is the point of this post... I don't know. I suddenly lost it. I don't know what to write next. Just thought writing here is better than drunk tweeting. I've done drunk tweeting too many times that I find myself feeling embarassed when I wake up the morning after and get to review my tweets. Like.... whut. Whut, I'm like definitely, like, not drunk. Like, I mean, I'm really not. Seriously. I was like. I dunno. Like that. Like.... you know. Like you.

HAHAHAHA. Joke. This is a perfect example why I will never emerge as one of the most followed bloggers ever. I do not make sense especially to the people who do not know me. Hi guys! Greeting you just in case you stumble upon this emotional trash can... but trash cans are meant to be hiddden instead of displayed... so that explains why this is not a public blog. I mean, it is public, but it's not something I promote. Having said that, why am I even blogging to explain myself to... myself?

#nowplaying: BED OF ROSES

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That feeling of Enlightenment

2011-11-07T01:07:00.003+08:00

is what I miss right now. That moment when you end a conversation feeling good about yourself. That positive, forward-looking, let's-get-it-on outlook in life. That self-affirmation that yes, this is alright. This is fun. This is happiness. This is life and I love it. I miss that right now. I seriously, seriously miss that. I say "right now" because I do remember feeling that natural high many months ago and it really was a good feeling. The kind of happy feeling that makes you want to skip around instead of walk.

There are just certain times of the year when I can't help but feel a little down. There's no particular period, month or occasion. It just happens that at one point every year, I feel like I'm in a funk and lonely, even in the midst of everyone around me, even when I know that there are a lot of reasons for me to be happy. And I don't get it. Every year, I try to get it but I don't. I am a happy person. I love laughter. I poke fun at myself and other people. Sarcasm has a place in my humor, but it is happy. The laugh-out-loud kind of happy, so it beats me that whenever I have moments like this, I can't seem to come to terms with myself.

The fact that I just came from the cemetery and realized how much I miss my brother isn't helping. I miss him terribly. It's unimaginable - what I am willing to give for just an hour with him. If an hour is asking too much, make that five seconds. I just really need a hug.

Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if it would've been easier if I hadn't known what it was like to have a brother because now that he's gone, I keep longing for things that I know I'll never have. He would have been 41 or 42 years old this year. I never felt the age gap then, but I recognized the wisdom and sense of security that he gave me. I was so used to having him around that I never considered the thought of not having him around. And it's so sad.

I hope I get out of this rut soon. I know I'll eventually snap out of it on my own, but I hope it happens soon. I realize I'm not alone here because I somehow manage to drag people into this negative sphere sometimes, and I apologize to those on whom I vent my ires out. It's just really difficult to put up a face. I'm not a clown.

But hello, blog. Thanks for being here, where it's just you and me. :)

What. the. ?

2011-09-15T17:22:00.000+08:00

I'm waiting for my dad to give his siblings his two cents on this, but I know he won't do it on Facebook. I know it works differently with every child, but it's always been about positive reinforcement for my parents. As a kid, I was not disallowed to do anything as long as my grades were good. I can watch TV and play the computer (it was a Family Computer then) as long as I got good grades, and that motivated me to always do well because I didn't want to lose those privileges accorded to me on a weekday, which most kids weren't able to enjoy back then.

It was always sort of a deal with them: you do this for me and you get to do what you want. For the first two years in college, I lived with my Aunt whose house was about 40 minutes away from school. It was still a hassle for me to go back and forth, so on my third year, I asked my parents to put me up in a condo unit infront of Ateneo, along with four of my friends. As most parents, their concern was that I might get distracted and find myself in the wrong crowd and what not. I convinced them by promising that I'll maintain my grades in school and that's what I did (even better).

I'd always get rewarded for doing well (and perhaps that's why there are times when I still look for that kind of appreciation from other people, which I don't get all the time), but not really get punished for not doing well. All I ever really got were mockery and teasing (Dad: Math? Only C+ in Math? Grabe kung ako yan, B+ na siguro pinakamababa. Ano ba yan, Math lang! / Kuya: Wag niyo na bigyan ng baon na pera, mahina yan sa Math! parang ako! Padalan ng kanin!). Yuck. Ayoko na magbaon ng kanin, Grade 6 nako! And so I strived to prove them wrong (by winging it. It's not like I'm good in Math now). My parents were very liberated when it came to me that they even took me out to the movies on a Wednesday night, last full show, because Titanic opened, even when I had my final exams the next day.

Anyway, my point is, good gawd why call him out for patting himself on the back... ON FACEBOOK? He's not patting himself on the back, he just thinks he deserves a little fun after his no nonsense accomplishment. If he answered yes to the question about Kumon and homework, then he should be allowed to be on the computer in the middle of the week. And this is a child who was diagnosed with autism in his early years, which was, thank God, corrected eventually.

.....

Blogging Challenge FAIL.

2011-08-20T04:43:00.000+08:00

I just can't keep at it.

>>>>

Day 3: Adam and Eve

2011-08-04T04:05:00.037+08:00

Day 3: Your first love

For a change, I'm not going to be a smart ass and say that my first love was reading books. No.

The first time I remember feeling for someone else was in grade two. The details aren't all that clear to me anymore, but I remember how it felt being truly attracted to someone for the first time. Those were the days when there's always a smile for no reason, feeling a bit light-headed and wanting to see that person.

Okay, some people say that those movie scenes when two people are suddenly caught in a moment staring at each other is really an exaggeration... Well, not really.

It was for a minor school play. He was Adam and I was Eve. We were practicing our scenes and somewhere along the way, it just happened. I suddenly felt that I had a crush on this boy who played Adam, and I kinda felt that he felt the same because he looked at me like 'that', too, before it became totally awkward. I was suddenly shy around him and all that shiz... GAHD, I think I'm failing this supposed attempt at a romantic blog post. I'm never gonna be the mushy type.

I'm not sure if it was LOVE... we were in second grade! Perhaps it was a semblance of it. My memory is quite good and what I really remember was the feeling of discovering a totally new emotion. In grade two.

I'm still friends with that guy and there are times when I suddenly remember grade two and I'm like... First crush ko yan at first crush niya ko before he began to totally hate me for teasing him to be gay. I had a defense mechanism in place, grade two palang. If you don't want to feel awkward towards another boy, convince yourself that he's gay. BUT that was in Grade Two. And it was FUNNY.

Day 2: ACT LIKE YOU KNOW

2011-08-04T01:09:00.001+08:00

Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name

A little backgrounder: I started this blog on a Monday, 21st of March 2005, while waiting for a colleague to finish working so we could head over to Valero for drinks. This was at a time when Facebook and Twitter weren't what they are today. This was also at a time when we started the "Break-the-week" routine on Mondays to cope with workplace stress and all that. And this was at a time when Capones (now Le Bistro Vert) in Valero was one of the places to be in Makati, along with Il Ponticello, the Greenbelt 2 strip (Nuvo, Uva, Mezze, Kai, Pepato, etc.), Tabu and Pinoy Rock joints like 6 Underground, Saguijo and of course, Gweilos.

I remember that as a really hectic day and we were set to unwind that night (yeah, the need to unwind even right after a weekend), when I felt the urge to write about anything but work and created a blog that was originally meant to be a private site (but word got out and I now have 5 readers after 6 years of blogging, plus the occasional lurkers haha).

Anyway, the two first paragraphs are not really necessary for the topic of today's blog challenge.

ACT LIKE YOU KNOW simply means... To act like you know. When I started working, I was such a nene that I thought no one took me seriously. In my Atenean ma-pride way, I admitted that I still lacked experience, but I refused to accept that my insights and recommendations were not good enough to be taken seriously. So my mantra was to "ACT LIKE YOU KNOW", and I found that if I projected myself in a certain way and delivered things with conviction, I kind of earned a higher level of respect than my nene persona inspite of holding an entry level position. I was young but not stupid and I was eager to prove it.

It can actually mean several things. You can "Act Like You Know" in a sense that you want to be believable when you're winging it, or "Act Like You Know" because you really know, it just looks like you don't but you do.

The subhead: "What you don't understand you can make mean anything" is a line borrowed from one of Chuck Pahlaniuk's books. It just means that everything here is up for interpretation, and because I'm not really encouraging readership, people are reading at their own risk. I'm not inclined to explain any of the things that I write here or to name the anonymous characters in my vague blog posts. If anything strikes a chord, then it's up to the reader to make something out of it. The comments function is purposely disabled so the only people who will ever get a chance at a clarification or an explanation are the ones who know my mobile number.

I hope that satisfies today's blogger challenge.

Day 1: Me, myself and I

2011-08-02T12:34:00.000+08:00

(Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts)

My name is Joy and I am not an alchoholic.

Yes, of course, not. HAHA. Seriously, I'm not an alcoholic. I just enjoy drinking. I'm not anywhere near Lindsay Lohan's alcohol abuse. I don't do drugs either, though there was a time I've been told that I live the life of a rockstar (late nights, alcohol and all that shiz). I counter that I'm not a rockstar because A) I have no fans; B) I can't sing to save my life even if I love music; C) I don't go around in swag rides; D) I can't even put eyeliner properly; and E) I hate being Jabar and being jabar is a staple characteristic of rockstars. They're all just... sweaty.

Moving on... I'm supposed to write 15 interesting facts about myself. I don't know about interesting, but what are listed below are surely facts:

I love reading books from the classics to contemporary fiction. Chuck Pahlaniuk is my favorite author and if I were reincarnated as an author, I'll probably be him. Dark, sarcastic and funny.
I WAS a young achiever. There was once a time when people wouldn't believe that I hold quite a high-ranking position in the office. What? That clown? Did she laugh her way to the top? WAS because I'm not young anymore or at least I don't consider myself to be.
I cannot do number 2 on a dirty toilet. I just can't. During immersion in the mountains where they only had a hole on the ground for a toilet, I held it in for three days. You can imagine it was heaven the moment I got to my own toilet at home.
As stated above, I don't sing well but I know the lyrics of a lot of songs by heart and I have quite an extensive repertoire from Bread, David Pomeranz (oo!), Spice Girls, Backstreet Boys, Eminem, Rihanna, Usher, Nirvana, Bon Jovi, Incubus (I know almost ALL), Red Hot Chili Peppers, and even Gary Valenciano songs. If it is or was popular, I probably know it.
I have a kind of addictive personality, but not in the sense of substance abuse. If I (really) like Justin Bieber, expect me to know a lot about him beyond the basic stuff (he was born on March 1, has 3 tattoos, likes giving Selena Gomez foot rubs, etc). I can listen to just one song all week, spend days watching YouTube videos of my favorite band of the moment, know everything about my favorite F1 driver, not to mention SUBSCRIBE to and read F1 Racing magazine from cover to cover. I even took time to 'study' F1 technology so I can explain aerodynamics from the rear wing (?). Although when it comes to F1 technology, I can pretty much make up stuff and no one will know. Hehe
After graduating in 2004, I really didn't want to start working yet, but mom always pushed me to go out there and find a job. So to create an impression that I was 'job hunting', there were days when I woke up early, dressed up for interviews with a clear folder in hand containing my resume, rode with dad to work and waited for the mall to open so I can watch 2 - 3 movies in between window shopping then ride back home with dad. I did that almost every Wednesday, when Glorietta used to show Art Films in Cinema 4. After a few days, I'd tell Mom I didn't like the jobs that I applied for so we should wait a little longer. FACT.
I was one of the few people in school to own a Nokia 5110 in highschool. Because it was prohibited in school, we'd hide our mobile phones inside the tank of one of the broken toilets in the ladies' room and we took frequent restroom breaks to text.
I was smart enough to get good (read: outstanding) grades in Elementary and Highschool, but had to hire a Math tutor in college because my first ever advisory grade in Ateneo was an F. My math tutor had copies of the exam booklets the previous year which he used to review me for the current year. Advice to teachers: don't merely change the variables and the names. Finished freshman year with a B+! (kakahiya namang i-perfect)
Most of the closest friends I have are ones who I survived major fights with. I think maintaining a close group of friends for more than decades is a good sign and surviving major fights means we've seen and gotten past the worst of each other.

I'm more of a beer person than a wine person. I prefer vodka over scotch and Patron over Cuervo. I have NEVER tasted Red Horse beer.

I need music to concentrate. Even when I was younger, I'd always turn the radio on or tune in to MTV while studying. Then I was given a walkman. Then a discman. And now, an iPod. I'm also not comfortable driving without playing music in the car.
I do not like Dinuguan. The smell of it makes me want to regurgitate. I also don't eat liver except if it's in the form of a spread / foie gras. I don't like the texture, taste and smell. Ironic because that's probably the internal organ that I abuse the most.
I love writing. I can better express myself through writing except when drunk. I can better express myself through speaking when I'm drunk. I can deliver an Any Given Sunday type of speech when I'm drunk.

I used to not like the smell of donuts. I'm okay with them now, but donuts are not the type of food that I crave for or randomly buy at the mall. I'm not a donut person.
I don't drink coffee just because most of the time, I get a mild headache after drinking coffee. I'm not even sure if it's caused by the coffee. I also don't see the effect of caffeine on me -- it does not keep me awake.

BLOGGER CHALLENGE DAY 1, THERE YOU GO.

Day 0: The 30-day Blog Challenge

2011-08-01T18:46:00.000+08:00

In spite of my to-do list, which is longer than the Golden Gate Bridge, here I am taking on another challenge. I've seen a lot of people do this online and to celebrate the first of August, I decided to embark on this challenge myself just to see if I can actually keep up.

It's called the 30-day blog challenge where the blogger (me) is supposed to blog for 30 days straight. There's a pre-determined list of topics to follow. So for the next 30 days, I will be blogging about:

Day 0: The 30 Day Challenge Explanation and Description
Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts
Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name
Day 3: Your first love
Day 4: Your parents
Day 5: A song to match your mood
Day 6: A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 7: Favorite movies
Day 8: A place you've traveled to
Day 9: A favorite picture of your best friend
Day 10: Something you're afraid of
Day 11: Favorite tv shows
Day 12: Something you don't leave the house without
Day 13: Goals
Day 14: A picture of you last year - how have you changed?
Day 15: Bible verse
Day 16: Dream house
Day 17: Something you're looking forward to
Day 18: Favorite Place to Eat
Day 19: Something you miss
Day 20: Nicknames
Day 21: Favorite Picture of yourself ALL TIME Why?
Day 22: What's in your purse?
Day 23: Favorite Movie
Day 24: Something you've learned
Day 25: Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs
Day 26: Your Dream Wedding
Day 27: Original Photo of the city you live in
Day 28: Something that stresses you out
Day 29: 3 Wishes
Day 30: a picture of yourself this day and 5 good things that happened since you started the challenge

So, let's see. Let the blogging marathon begin!

...

I dare you to annoy me.

2011-07-22T17:26:00.000+08:00

Annoy me! Annoy me! Because I love it when you show me that you don't really trust me.

You're winning the dare.

....

63

2011-07-17T02:23:00.001+08:00

My mom turned 63 today, and I can't even begin to express how truly, truly, grateful I am that we survived another year. Every day that we have our mother with us is a cause for celebration. We have so much to be thankful for because for all of its ups and downs and occasional scares, life's been good to our family.

I'm definitely having one of those moments when I feel so so eternally grateful beyond words. I'm overwhelmed.

Thank you, Lord.

....

One Fine Friday

2011-07-16T05:16:00.000+08:00

I've been writing a lot for the past three weeks or so, and I still want to write. I just think that I'll take a break from writing work stuff and write something that does not aim to establish a brand, create awareness, generate publicity, encourage preference... nothing that will highlight, demonstrate, position and, of course (how can I forget), leverage shiznit, because at one point, we all need a break from the things that we usually do.

And that's exactly what I did. About a month ago, I was talking to my friends about how we should do something together that doesn't necessarily involve going out of town or out of the country. Because we've heard good reviews about it, we all agreed to take the Living La Vida Imelda Walking Tour by Carlos Celdran. The thing was it's only scheduled on Fridays, which is of course a work day. I checked the number of leaves I had and found that I still got nine left so I filed it anyway, really wanting to try it out.

I knew that this Friday was going to be different on all counts. For one, I'm almost going to turn seven at work and I've never had to take a leave for no specific reason at all (valid vacation leaves for me are the ones that are really used for vacation -- meaning trips or what not). I know of a few people who take leaves to 'rest' at home -- so this is a first for me. I took a leave to gallivant around Manila, something that I otherwise could've done on a weekend if not for the Friday only tour.

But it's not like I pick a random day and decide not to go to work. As the date came closer, I had to take considerations as well. After I agreed to join the tour and filed my leave, an event came up on the same day plus a lot of stuff to submit (like we ever run out) for other clients. I'm the type who feels guilty and uneasy if I know that something's going on at work and I'm not IN it personally, but then again, I thought -- if for some reason I suddenly vanish from the face of the earth, these people should be able to pull through, right? I have tremendous trust in the people that we put in place to manage things for our clients -- Perceptions is the perfect case study about why age is just a number. This is a place where young twenty-somethings manage clients and run events on their own; who, inspite of their youthful facade, are able to measure up to any seasoned professional and call the shots as if they belonged to the industry since forever. These are the people I work with everyday, and everyday we learn something new from each other. On one hand, I know their whims, quirks, issues, areas for improvement and what not, while on the other hand, I also know what they're capable of based on how they progress and that's what we try to maximize. I was once in their place and while I kind of resented it before, I now appreciate the value of (sometimes) being left (alone) in-charge even at quite an early stage in my career. Because age is just a number. And it also helped that technology now is so ingrained in a person's lifestyle that I was able to monitor them throughout the day, answer calls, emails and what not... Not that I needed to. I would imagine that 'monitoring' part wasn't so much of value to them as it was to me. If anything, it gave me the peace of mind that nothing fell through the cracks.

Anyway, after successfully shaking off that bothering thought of not being at work when I'm supposed to, I began my Friday Friday fun fun fun. And this was how the unusual day went:

Hit the slot machines at 8:45 am and, in 20 minutes, walked out P 6,000.00 richer. This was the first time I saw the Opus / Republiq area of Newport so deserted, and the first time I entered the casino as the first activity of the morning.

Bought tickets for me and my friends to the 9:45 am screening of Harry Potter with the casino prize money, thanks to Newport Malls 24-hour screening on Fridays and Saturdays.
Met my friends for a round of "iced tea" at Bar 360 before the movie."
Got popcorn at 9:45 am which we munched on in the moviehouse.
By noon, exited the movie house and had lunch at Pepper Steak (now this is normal).
Went window-shopping before driving to CCP for the Walking Tour.
Went to Iceberg's at Harbor Center and ordered iced desserts and tacos before the tour because it's hot.
Joined the very interesting Imelda Walking Tour. Recommended!
Headed to Mall of Asia to check out our client event.
Hung out the mall a bit and had a few (or otherwise) rounds of beer over sushi and chill conversations.
Headed back to Resorts World, and this time, got to learn a new table game which I will only get to play when I have the capability to. It's nice to actually understand a casino game for once (because I don't think anyone ever really gets how those slot machines work, right?).
Decided to head home and get some shut eye after the casino instead of having some more drinks (see, this day's so different).

After a few days of not being in the mood for anything and feeling like life is one huge boring routine, all it really took was a day like this to take me back and realize that it ain't as bad as it seems.

And the best days are always the ones spent in good company. These are the days that start and end well. I love my friends (those who were part of this day, you know who you are!).

Whip your hair back and forth! (if you have hair!)

....

Birthday blues... Sort of.

2011-07-15T01:49:00.002+08:00

Is it possible to ever get tired of drinking? No? Exactly what I thought. It's Thirstday and I find myself busy infront of my computer, working because a day is just not enough -- and I've also said this many times before - I'm less functional during the day than I am during the night.

Thirstday... and my friends and I are all busy doing our own stuff. Somehow, everyone of us had work to do tonight. Some more fun (like managing the sponsors at FHM's 100 Sexiest Party) and some worse (the type that they're forced to do). Unlike the usual, today is the only day of the week where no alcohol entered my system and I'd like to think that's a good thing to a certain extent - the liver needs a rest, too... but who am I kidding, right? If I had someone else to drink with right now, that's probably what I'd be doing, but work is a good alternative for staving off boredom. At least I get to (somewhat) free my day tomorrow and ease the load a bit, because I really feel more productive in the wee hours of the morning when no one else is around.

And so because if it were a regular Thirstday I'm supposed to be up until the wee hours of the morning, my body sort of doesn't want to go to sleep yet. I'm left with my own head to mess with, and it's definitely not one of those days when I'm on a natural high. This is more of a natural low, like the proverbial birthday blues, only, my birthday has long passed. Or it could be something like Quarter Life Crisis, only I'm not sure if I'll live to be a hundred years old. I don't know what will take me out of this rut. It is natural for women to get hormonal, right? So perhaps that's one of the reasons why.

I want to walk barefoot on the beach, have some beers, engage in a really nice conversation, have a good laugh, get high from a concert, see a really good movie, dance like no one's watching, sing like a rockstar, cry my heart out, hug a friend really tight, meet new people, eat something so delicious I close my eyes the moment I taste it, get totally hammered without a hangover the day after, be awestruck by something marvelous, drive really fast on a freeway, run aimlessly, get wet in the rain and feel good about it, finish a good book, fly somewhere I've never been, and finally, create something legen...wait for it... dary.

Life's simple joys. Those moments when you feel like you're totally alive. That's what I really want.

But for the meantime:

GAME. FACE. ON.

....

When It's Too Late to Apologize

2011-07-14T03:04:00.001+08:00

I've never been a gifted liar. Actually, NO. Screw that. I can be a really good liar, except to the people who know me well. I don't think I'm even capable of masking my feelings, my eyes and smile betray me most of the time - at least to those who know.

There are moments, mornings after, when you wish you could take back time and do things differently. I know myself and I admit that I have the tendency to cross the lines, hit below the belt and what not, but it's usually not until hours after, when I look back on the things that transpired, that I begin to wonder if I went a little overboard.

Then guilt manifests itself. It's not so much the thought of what was done or said, but more of the fact that someone was probably offended, moreso if it's someone that I value. An apology is the quickest fix - after all, people who care about each other (friends, family, whoever) wouldn't be able to stay angry at each other for long periods. Then again, it's all about timing. If an apology is in order, I believe it has to be done at once and not a few hours later. Apologizing also has that risk of making a big deal of what could be otherwise to the other party, because after all, this guilt could be nothing but a result of overthinking or overanalyzing.

For some people, apologizing doesn't always mean literally saying sorry. Sorry is just a word -- it's what you do with the realization that you're at fault which will count. Aplogizing could be in a form of making up for the offense by being a better person, a better friend, without ever having to say it out loud. People will see the effort, and sometimes, that's even better than saying sorry and not meaning it.

We don't care about the old folks talkin' 'bout the old style.

2011-06-14T19:35:00.002+08:00

Social media serves different people in different ways. To share, to see, to connect, to participate -- there are varying levels of usage. Facebook for me is a tool for connecting with friends, past and new acquaintances. It just makes it easy for me to look people up. I used to enjoy sharing content and posting everything -- music, videos, notes, photos, until the interest waned. Now it's more of games and looking at what other people are doing.

The good thing about Facebook is that people get to choose the content they share -- they get to project the kind of life that they want people to see. Twitter is more liberated because it kind of gives the mind an outlet and its 'maybe you care, maybe you don't' environment makes it a bit more encouraging for the user to type away.

It's funny how some people seem to have a different persona in social media compared to how they really are in real life. I know my cousins. I grew up with them, but it still surprises me to realize how much more there is about them than what I know. My prim and proper shy-type teenage cousins (yes, we have shy types in the family) are all angsty. They talk about their moms and dads, teachers and how unreasonable the world is -- and I'm like, what the hell is happening to you??! When you see these people in person you'd never guess they think about those things. We have unspoken rules such that we don't talk about what we see online infront of our parents, but nothing I share online isn't available to my folks anyway. I am what I am and if I cuss there, my father would understand (but see, I don't say 'fuck' as much as my cousins do!). And the most important rule is not to tell our parents about Twitter so the oldies won't invade it like they did Facebook. I remember being told off on Facebook by one of our uncles because "Joy Mirasol likes Barrack Obama" and my uncle thinks he's evil for supporting abortion etcetera etcetera. What's up with that?

Still, it's a nice way of getting to know friends and relatives. Now that we're more connected and free to share our thoughts online, we feel much closer to each other. I just hope that we don't abuse it such that we lose our values. The future generations will enjoy much more freedom because of the digital age, and I don't know yet what's next to Twitter or Facebook, but I do hope it's something constructive as opposed to destructive. The fact that no one can fully regulate what happens online makes it all the more challenging for parents, mentors and other people concerned to instill values in our young ones and help them discern right from wrong, appropriate from inappropriate.

BOW.

...

I know that there's a world out there that functions without regard to me.

2011-06-10T03:19:00.004+08:00

Just when I thought I had everything down pat, I find myself in the very situation I've been trying so hard to avoid. I have to admit I was better off thinking to myself because then, the defenses were stronger. I held my ground in my own stubborn way. The moment other people were in on it was the moment I let my guard down, which brought me... here.

I've thought about this before - I know the pros and I know the cons. It's not worth the risk of addressing the issue or whateverthefuckitis knowing that it's lopsided, or worse, that there really may not be another side to it. Everything could probably be in my head. The worse thing about this is paranoia because there's now a certain level of consciousness about EVERYTHING.

And this failure to see things as they really are is a hindrance for people to function like their usual selves. It's a pain to have all these thoughts at the back of your head all the friggin' time. This quote couldn't be any more true now: No one can beat you up as much as you beat yourself up in your own mind.

There's a very thin line between fantasy and reality. You can always try to convince yourself to believe otherwise, but you can't prevent yourself from feeling something, even if you don't like to feel that way. And you just don't mess with feelings because regardless if these feelings are good or bad, you can never say it's wrong to feel something. You feel it because you feel it. It's there. And you can't really expect people to take your feelings in consideration all the time because, in reality, they have their own to protect.

The key thing here is self-preservation. We have to be responsible for ourselves. There will always be people around to cause hurt knowingly and unknowingly, but the important thing is to know how to deal.

GAME FACE ON!

...

Kung wala ka narin lang sasabihing maganda...

2011-05-20T15:13:00.001+08:00

Huwag mo na kong kausapin. Ang inet inet, bwiset!

I thank you. BOW.

....

Everytime I'd ask my friend to come to THIRSTdays he'd say he can't because he has TENNIS.

2011-05-05T16:22:00.000+08:00

And I'm like, WHUUUUUT? Why would you prefer to play tennis on a Thirstday?!

I think I've figured out what the "fuck" it is.

SLAM away, my friend. Slam away!!!

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

I cannot be without you, matter-of-fact.

2011-05-05T10:52:00.000+08:00

What's so important that, already 20 minutes away from the house, I had turn back home to get it after realizing I left it?

What's so important that, after realizing I left it in the car, I had to ask the driver to take the skyway back to the airport just to bring it to me because I couldn't fly out without it?

What's so important that I had to go through the hassle of asking various authorities to allow me to go out of the airport after I've been cleared by immigration to retrieve that something I forgot in the car?

Oh, why am I so attached to you, my iPod.

Haha.

...

People really do have the tendency to overreact.

2011-04-28T18:21:00.000+08:00

Think before you tweet. You run the risk of coming across as stupid to people. And it doesn't matter how many followers you have. When people view your page, your tweets kind of give an idea of who you are. okay?

Given that... if there's one word on a statement tee that would best describe my tweets, it would be: SONG HITS. (Okay, two words yon)

...

Stop spitting on the pavement, geddemmit.

2011-04-28T17:32:00.000+08:00

Have some class.

In other news... In other news, thank God blogger is free and you can create as many blogs as you want and not give yourself away too much in this one. Not on Facebook, not on Twitter, and not. here.

I seriously think writing it here or wherever is better than giving it to people. That way, no one gets hurt and no one bears the burden of having to be at the receiving end.

*slams phone*

....

Adolescents? I haven't heard it.

2011-04-25T01:13:00.000+08:00

One of the best shows I saw in 2008 was the Incubus concert. I think that was the same year when Maroon 5 came, as well as the first Eraserheads comeback. They're a pretty old, established band, but not quite as iconic as the Foo Fighters or Red Hot Chili Peppers but I love them. One of my favorite Incubus songs is Megalomaniac and it also ranks high in my list of favorite rock music videos (viewable here because embedding is disabled by YouTube).

They announced that they're going on hiatus in 2008, but now they're back! and I'm so happy to see that Brandon Boyd has aged gracefully. All that herbal nourishment that he gets is doing him good (haha).

Can't wait to see them here in July!

Guilty Pleasures ko 'to, bakit ba?!!!

2011-04-24T02:29:00.001+08:00

While we're on the subject of abstinence, let's talk about guilty pleasures. What are guilty pleasures? Well, those are the things that you like or love but can't admit that you like or love openly. It's not like you'll put it on your Facebook profile or something. Example, my Facebook profile, without looking at it now, will probably have the following listed under Favorite Movies: Almost Famous, The Godfather, Rush Hour, etc...

Now in the absence of more substantial things to do over the holy days (except for work -- even from that I needed to abstain so I turned off my push email after the Holy Thursday conf call, and aside from, ehem, praying), I did a Tagalog movie marathon. I love it. They're baduy, corny and what not, but I have to admit that I've taken to liking most of those made by Star Cinema. Aminin na natin, yaman din lamang alam na ng sambayanan na 'gumimik' ako sa Strumm's in 2011 (bwahahaha).

So, pseudo Facebook profile should read... Favorite Movies: One More Chance (Bea & John Lloyd), Kung Ako Nalang Sana (Sharon & Aga), Dahil Mahal na Mahal Kita (Claudine & Rico), Got to Believe (Claudine & Rico), Paano na Kaya (Kim & Gerald), the 2 Sarah & John Lloyd Movies, All My Life (Kristine & Aga) and my most recent favorite which is also the one with the corniest, cheesiest, yuckiest title: Catch Me, I'm in Love. Gerald Andersoooooooon! If Derek is 2010, Erwan Heussaff is 2011 Q1, Gerald Anderson is 2011 Q2!!!!

Okay, anti-it pala ha! I'm the anti-anti-it. Ako na! Ako na ang baduy!

No worries. Next week, I'll be back in my usual formula-1 loving female self. :D

Abstinence, is it?

2011-04-24T00:12:00.001+08:00

Ever since I got a good understanding of religion in class, I never believed in giving up meat on Fridays in observance of the lenten season. The true meaning of abstinence for me is in keeping yourself from something that you really want or love to do. That's probably the ultimate sacrifice because not eating meat doesn't hurt me at all. I can eat fish all week as long as the dish is good.

But, in respect to tradition and as a compromise, I don't eat meat only during Ash Wednesday and Good Friday every lent. On my end, this year, I've given up three things that I really love from Holy Thursday to Easter Sunday, and dude, is it difficult not to give in to temptation! Arrrggggghhhh.

Mind over matter. I can do this! Just a few more hours! Or is it technically over since it's Easter Sunday?

Of Cougars and Rhinos

2011-04-20T15:10:00.001+08:00

So after about more than three years, I opened my Yahoo Messenger again because of a friend who wanted to chat about her "heart concerns". Decided to play around it a bit and saw the Yahoo Music feature which let's you tune in to a particular station and then post the song title and artist name as part of your YM Status.

I was going through the 'stations' which were actually music genres and found this:

What the fuck is COUGAR MUSIC? I clicked on the station to find out and "Pour Some Sugar on Me" came on. Wahahahaha! Brownie points for Yahoo for catering to all markets, even the so niche ones like Cougars.

I listen some more then "This Love" by Maroon 5 came on. Hey that's not cougar music! And there's no concrete definition of Cougar Music online either.

Wait, what do we call a male cougar? Oh, right. A Rhino!

But the way I see it, where we are, there are more sexy cougars than rhinos. hehehe

Don't wait, don't wait, don't wait for too long.

2011-04-17T01:46:00.005+08:00

The bigger question is, "what happens when we stop fighting it?". Plausible deniability, Blair. Until we know for sure they were wrong.

I can guarantee it.

Go, Bords!!!

2011-04-15T03:47:00.001+08:00

Realized that this particular note that has been sitting in my BlackBerry for a couple of months now. It's an excerpt from a motivational speeach that our creative director delivered to me at a time when I had to secure something crucial for a project. I was feeling a bit apprehensive and uncertain that I could pull it off, good thing we were already getting tanked then... and of course, liquid courage helped. Funny how in the middle of his long pep talk, I decided to type it when I should have captured it on video to make it easier on the fingers, but the real intention was to blog it so I guess typing did have a purpose.

And this is really pretty much how he said it (at least the latter part) and it did get me fired up:

You always assume na magaling ka... pero you will realize na hindi sa lahat ng oras magaling ka. At dahil narecognize mong maraming masmagaling sayo, kailangan gawin mo. Gawan mo ng paraan. Pagbutihin mo pa. Patunayan mo.

Pero ngayong gabi, putangina, dapat ikaw ang pinakamagaling! Isipin mo, kaya mo. Sabihin mo, putangina niyong lahat, akin 'to!

Isa lang ang opposite ng defeat. Isa lang. Alam mo na yon. Piliin mo kung sino ka don. Tapos putangina na nilang lahat!

----> Hahaha. Kung Pilipino si Leonidas o si Troy, malamang ganito yon.

Sweet dreams are made of this, who am I to disagree?

2011-04-10T02:49:00.000+08:00

Was going through a box of photos this afternoon when I came across this piece of paper with a quote from Douglas Coupland's Gen X. I read that book way before and I don't remember what it's about anymore, but I probably had taken note of this quote at a time when Twitter was non-existent.

"After you're dead and buried and floating around whatever place we go to, what's going to be your best memory of earth? What one moment for you defines what it's like to be alive on this planet? What's your takeaway? Fake yuppy experiences that you had to spend money on, like white water rafting or elephant rides in Thailand don't count. I want to hear some small moment from your life that proves you're really alive."

So what are those moments, really? Not a particular moment comes to mind now (nothing like the "hearing my firstborn cry for the first time after coming out of my womb" kinda thing), but I do have a list of things that give me a natural high. Life's simple joys:

Feeling loved by the people you care about
Walking around alone in a place you've never been before
Waking up to the sound of the waves and smell of the sea
Your parents telling you they're proud of you
Being with friends
Cracking a joke that makes everybody laugh
Laughing so hard until your tummy aches and your jaw's tired
Going on a roadtrip with a really cool bunch of people, coupled with a really good playlist
Singing out loud like you really know how to sing
Being struck by that one line in a song that somehow articulates how you feel
Getting a pat on the back at work and actually believing that you deserve it (because sometimes I get it and I'm like... di nga??!)
That first swig from a cold bottle of beer that you've been anticipating all day
Dancing like no one's watching
Overhearing people say nice things about you
Discovering money that you forgot you kept somewhere
Releasing all inhibitions and getting hammered out of your senses (couldn't say the same about the morning after, though)
The doctors saying mom is well enough to go home after being confined in the hospital
Plane taking off and landing (some people hate it but I love it, I get a rush from it)
Sitting in a car with someone and feeling perfectly comfortable with the silence and loving every minute of it knowing you don't have to exert an effort to entertain / engage in small talk because you just see eye to eye
Satisfying a food craving that you've had for days
Seeing a gas station with a good toilet after having been stuck in heavy traffic and controlling your pee
Getting little surprises that you really didn't expect (uhm, yeah, it's called a surprise)
Watching a concert or an Ateneo game live and screaming your heart out
Your favorite sports team emerging victorious
Feeling needed -- like you're important to people you love.

Oblivious to the obvious. Or so they say.

2011-04-07T23:59:00.000+08:00

That feeling when you're absolutely certain about something until someone else messes with your head... that's exactly what it is.

How is it possible that different groups of people looking through the same glass window are able to see the same thing and get the same vibe, which the fish in the aquarium are actually oblivious to? "What the hell are they talking about?" is the question in your head and you feel a bit incredulous about this new information that you have not really considered before. It's the sort of thing that would probably have never entered your mind unless it was injected into it.

And you think that these people just don't understand because they are not in the aquarium.

And they say...

I only hear what I want to.

Stubborn, you.

Remembering Summers from Years Past

2011-03-29T01:39:00.000+08:00

I miss spending summer as a kid. My cousins and I used to sleep in our granparents house for as long as we want while our parents came to see us every Sunday. There are about 21 of us grandchildren now and before, there used to be about 9 - 11 of us sleeping in the family home in Mandaluyong all at the same time.

We played all sorts of stuff everyday from traditional Pinoy games to something as weird as catching a cockroach, putting it in a jar of mayonnaise along with about 5 watusis, sealing the bottle and watching it die inside. Sometimes, our wawa, a nurse, would ask us to help with household chores -- the boys would do vacuum cleaning and the girls would water the flowers in the garden and pick out dead leaves. She cooked really well and she'd ask us what we want to eat everyday, and believe it or not, none of us requested for fried chicken, pizza or spaghetti then. We'd always ask for the likes of sinigang, adobo, lengua, kare-kare, cadios, callos, tinola, crispy pata, inihaw na baboy, hamburger (it had to be grilled in the house, not bought from Jollibee or McDo), chorizo and all kinds of sausages. Our wowo. a doctor, was a big gourmet eater -- he loved to eat steak (medium rare), different kinds of salads, and cheese. He also made awesome crepes then and we loved the ones with mangoes in them. But you know, then again, as kids, anything that wowo made was awesome to us probably not because it's really irresistably delicious but because we felt that it's super extra special because we saw our grandfather's effort in making it for us.

On Saturday and Sunday mornings, our wowo would take us out for breakfast. We loved going to Luk Yuen, Pancake House, Dulcinea, and of course, McDonalds. While everyone else ate it for afternoon snacks, my cousins and I learned to eat churros for breakfast. We put soy sauce on our ripe mangoes. We all ate balut even before we realized how other people get so grossed out by it. In the morning, we'd all wait for the taho vendor. If you didn't wake up early enough, then you get no taho. At 3 p.m. we'd all anticipate the Yakult guy to get our lactobacilli shirota strain fix.

Throughout our childhood, our grandparents saw to it that my cousins and I spent time with each other every so often and that's how we've all grown to love each other like brothers and sisters. We'd go out of town as a big family together with our parents. From Tagaytay, Matabungkay, Batangas to Subic, Zambales, Baguio -- our five/six-car convoy would hit the road and the journey, long or short, was always one of the most enjoyable parts of the trip. We rode horses in Baguio and instead of staying in the Burnham area, our wowo would ask the horse guys to take us to the streets and allow the horses to run if we requested for it. We also went biking and that's where I had my first major accident where the sidecar I was riding overturned because I was going too fast (no one else was riding but me. It had to have a sidecar because I couldn't balance on two wheels). I had big bruises but I was laughing the entire time because I remembered my aunt's face so panic-stricken -- it was really funny. My dad was laughing, too, which made everything funnier because we all couldn't stop laughing. After falling off the bike, we roller-skated and of course I fell off again. I was the crash-test dummy. We are a family of doctors (well, at least most of us) so first aid was always there.

Guess what I miss most about those summers is the company of my cousins. The times have changed and so have our priorities that we don't see each other as often anymore. Looking back, we really owe it to our parents and grandparents for ensuring that we all had a happy childhood.

And most of all, I miss that as kids, we went to places and bought stuff without having to pay for anything. Haha.

P.S. Thought of recoloring my blog and when I reviewed the archive, I realized I've been blogging for about six years now. Wow. This blog and I have established a really strong bond, eh.

Happy Hours are only fleeting...

2011-03-04T15:25:00.000+08:00

...Even if you observe it everyday. Perhaps that's why it only runs for a certain period of time - you're meant to make the most out of it (and also run the risk of regretting things that you took for granted or things that you think you should or shouldn't have done). Pffft. I cannot explain it. You get what you give, you take what you deserve... a load of good vibes also comes with an equivalent load of bad vibes in one way or another.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh. Demmit.

Argh. I hate this feeling.

2011-02-28T10:57:00.000+08:00

Subconscious, why??!

The Oscars is happening at the moment...

2011-02-28T10:26:00.000+08:00

...and I couldn't stop listening to this song while staring at James Franco's face!!! I love you!!!

If you're one of us then roll with us.

2011-02-27T00:27:00.000+08:00

I guess people really do have a tendency to scrutinize every move made by the government and some of them have become so disgruntled over the years that they don't realize that instead of constructive criticism, they actually try to find fault immediately.

So the government announced a new domestic tourism advocacy campaign a couple of weeks back and as expected, there were varied reactions but most of them were not favorable coming off of a total disaster which revealed how a logo was plagiarized from another country's tourism board.

The new campaign title and slogan is meant as a call to action for Filipinos to travel the Philippines and contribute to the economy by spurring domestic tourism. It's pretty easy to grasp when you actually know the idea behind it (handle, big idea, whatever the fuck you call it, fool).

But apparently, it's very hard for some people to comprehend anything, be it in English or Tagalog. This comment is my favorite simply because it makes me feel better about myself.

Ikaw na. Ikaw na ang magaling!!!

And you're not one of us, so in short, hindi ka kasama sa mga niyayayang maglakbay dito sa Pilipinas o saan man sa mundo.

who doesn't get it?!

2011-02-23T14:41:00.000+08:00

Argh. Can you really take someone who has "slut" in her Twitter username seriously?

Must. get. immune. to. this. because. I. am. not. me.

Obviously, I think I'll be back on blogger more often now. It's not like I can rant about these things "there".

This is still my emotional dumpsite. No less than 140 characters.

I'm schizophrenic

2011-02-21T17:23:00.000+08:00

So... this is how it feels like to manage two personalities.

I never thought I'd get enough of Twitter but it's becoming like iniinit na ulam to me... I ate it na last night, it's still my breakfast, lunch, merienda, dinner and midnight snack.

Confession: I almost made a mistake of posting a sarcastic #nowplaying entry through the OTHER account. Shets. Haha

Oh, you're right. Thanks.

2011-02-15T12:10:00.000+08:00

It's one of those days, eh?

2011-02-15T11:26:00.002+08:00

Hnnnnnnngrh.

Album of the Year, Seriously?!

2011-02-15T09:43:00.002+08:00

I consider myself a sort of music junkie, at least a bit more than the regular Joe, and it beats me that I have never heard of The Suburbs or their album, Arcade Fire, until it was announced at The Grammys that they won Album of the Year. Seriously, who the hell are these guys? And I just saw some videos on YouTube now and I'm really wondering if they're really worthy of a Grammy.

Did they rig it? I'm not leaning towards pop most of the time but I feel that Eminem should've won it this year (with Katy Perry and Lady Gaga as close contenders). What I used to complain about The Grammys is its tendency towards popularity that it fails to highlight the artistry in the music. I kind of feared that Justin Bieber would win Best New Artist (but he didn't, thank God). I was rooting for Florence and the Machine, which also didn't win, but I'm fine with the winner.

But, ARCADE FIRE? Who the hell are The Suburbs?! Usually, the winner of Album of the Year is known by everyone -- because it's Album of the Friggin' Year. Oh, and apparently, I'm not alone: WHO IS ARCADE FIRE?

Now, remind me to not take The Grammys seriously.

Thanks.

Hearts Day?!?

2011-02-14T12:59:00.001+08:00

I've been asked many times over who's my date tonight. No one. And if they knew me well enough, they'd know that even if I were in a relationship, nothing will happen on Valentine's Day because I'm corny and baduy like that.

Unless he works for close-up and we'd be obliged to participate in that lovapalooza thing.

Which is still, like, eeew to me.

Shucks I forgot to wear earrings today.

My thumbs are itching...

2011-02-13T19:52:00.001+08:00

but I can do this. I have something to prove and I will prove it. In 160 characters or less. Or right, none at all.

.....

Homaygad I think I know na what this is.

2011-02-06T23:29:00.002+08:00

Hormonal imbalance! I haven't had it for a while that I might have forgotten what it's like.

I thought about this when I realized... why the hell am I listening to slow songs?! Slow as in I've got Katy Perry's Thinking of You on loop and it's not even applicable or in context - meaning the song holds no personal meaning.

In some instances when my estrogen levels are low, I'm usually irritable but I'm not. So now I guess I'm like... in a funk.

I kind of kept to myself in my room all day watching movies, sleeping or reading a book (except when it was time for dinner).

I know of friends who'd be in a funk and post emo statuses and tweets, one of them temporarily deactivated her Facebook for a week, another deleted her twitter account then created another one after 5 days, someone drove all the way up to Tagaytay to coffee at the Cliff by herself, and here I am questioning life.

Tss. Female hormones.

---

For fast-acting relief: Try Slowing Down

2011-02-05T23:25:00.000+08:00

We say 'mind over matter' if we want to concentrate or control something in belief that the mind is more powerful than the body, but I also think that sometimes we also need to mind the matter and not abuse our bodies. After quite a hectic week, I'm having a steady Saturday night at home for two reasons: one, because I think I need to slow down and two, because my dad said so. Hahaha couldn't really argue with that (he needed me to stay with mom tonight since my sister is in Subic and he has a golf event to attend).

I mentioned this on twitter and I mention this here again: Nobody can beat you up as much as you can beat yourself up in your own mind. The problem with people who think too much is that they're never satisfied.

There's a sort of paradigm shift that's happening here. Before, I used to say that I like going with the flow, living in the present and not knowing what's going to happen in the future. It's one of those bizarre days when the mood is like bleh, I'm staring on a leaf being blown away from the pavement, when it hit me: Am I supposed to just go with the flow? Isn't that akin to complacency? Should I be doing something about... something? How do I make life a little less ordinary? So I'm doing what I'm doing now and then???

And this is not just a question about work and the future, but life in its entirety. People are born into the world, grow up, go to school, go to work, get married, have children, have grandchildren and die. And then? Wouldn't it be easier to have nothing instead? No higher being, no universe, no planets, no people... nothing. If there's nothing, then there's nothing. (aaaaaaaah!!!! Nagmemeron ako, lalong lumalabo!)

Anyway, going back to "going with the flow", the challenge here is that I don't know what I want. Just like choosing a restaurant for lunch, unless there's a strong craving, I'm pretty much okay with anything. And I'm okay. Not cloud-nine happy or sad. Just fine. I'm in that space between. And when people ask me if I'm happy, I kind of say yes and that's because I'm not sad. I do what I do because I can do it and I do it because I'm committed to it, but I don't think I'm intrinsically motivated (like a director's passion for film, a singer's passion for music). Where there is no love, it becomes a routine mechanical exercise. Or maybe I'm intrinsically motivated but I don't know it?

Then again, this is probably a result of thinking too much. Sometimes we expect too highly of ourselves that we become unreasonably concerned (or something like that), and make a fuss out of something that we shouldn't be worrying about. All this restlessness plaguing the youth!

If this is the right hand (hold it up in front of you) and this is the left hand (do the same), how does a hand that's neither right or left look?

Question.

This is probably the sort of stuff that can be resolved in Boracay, because for some reason, that place makes everything alright.

social media usage?

2011-02-04T13:39:00.001+08:00

Facebook asks us, "What's on your mind?" and we post what's happening. Twitter asks, "What's happening?" and we tweet about what's on our minds.

This is not to say we're better than you because there's no need to state the obvious.

2011-02-03T00:44:00.001+08:00

What you don't realize, FOOL, is that you wasted our friggin' time. I knew instantly that you weren't worth it. You weren't worth my USD 250 rate per hour.

You are a fucking fool. You are so a fucking fool that one day you'll look back at that moment, that very moment when you gave it to me as I was traversing the length of skyway all the way to Filinvest, and regret it. I didn't have it in me then, and you were fuckin' lucky that I didn't have it in me to make you realize explicitly what a fucking fool you are. Well, maybe I did but you were so fucking stupid that you didn't get the drift.

When that moment comes - maybe not tomorrow, not next week, maybe not even the next few months - but it will come, I tell you, and I'm so fucking sure you won't know it. You won't know what friggin' hit you because like I said, you're a fuckin' fool.

And God bless you. God bless you because when he showered the world with intelligence and smartness and common sense and whatever you call it, I'm so fucking sure you were not there.

You, moron, should look out for that moment... That very moment when your loose ass gets fucked for real. I say loose because you've probably been fucked well a number of times.

And you are about to get the fuck of your lifetime.

And it's going to be

LEGEN... FUCKING... Wait for it...

DARY.

Wawwits.

2011-01-27T17:40:00.003+08:00

I'm not usually online on Facebook chat, and one of the few times I hit the "Go Online" button (like today) and disregard all the stealth settings, some person pings me. You, my friend, are the reason why I don't go online. And the funny thing is... I cannot ignore you.

It could be you.

It could be anyone of you.

Overheard In the Office

2011-01-17T21:30:00.012+08:00

At a meeting in my room:

Me : Guys, I feel a bit under the weather. My head hurts a little and my skin is so sensitive. Touch it and parang mahapdi. And I feel hot inside, too. Plus my throat is kinda sore. I don't feel like driving.

Teammates: (in unison) NOOOOOO!

Teammate 1: What are you drinking?

Me: Bioflu. Dahil babangon ako sa bioflu!

Teammate 2: No, you can't get sick.

Me: Uhmmmm... I know I can't get sick. But I'm just saying I'm feeling a bit sick now. Coming down with the flu. Flu lang naman.

Teammate 1: Don't say that. That's what Paolo said before!

Me: Duuuuh. I don't think you'll lose me now.

Teammate 2: but you can't get sick! (Forcefully, now) Can you just rest? Go straight home. SLEEP EARLY AT HUWAG KA MUNANG UMINOM. PUEDE?!

Me: *Speechless dahil semi nasigawan* (thought bubble: and what makes you think that I drink everyday from work???)

Teammate 1 looks incredulously at Teammate 2.

(and then realizing she raised her voice...)

Teammate 2: Sorry. I mean, rest ka nalang muna. I think you need it.

So, this must be how parents feel like when being told what to do by their children. Nonetheless, I took her advice. Maybe she's right, but for the record, I didn't drink last Sunday and I have yet to get totally hammered this year. Well, it's only the 17th day of 2011.

That seeming alcoholic reputation is really a misconception. Homaygad. What would Lindsay Lohan do?

2010

2011-01-17T02:18:00.001+08:00

Can't believe how fast 2010 went by. I can still remember writing my year-end post for 2009 and the horrible fact that I missed the Nine Inch Nails concert (2009) remains fresh in my memory. It doesn't even feel like it has been over a year since we launched Windows 7 or when Kimi Raikkonen decided to leave Formula 1.

When I revisited my 2009 year-end post, I realized that I'm still thankful for the same things. The best things about 2009 I also got in 2010, only more and better. 2010 was generally good, like what Chinese Astrology predicted for us born on the year of the pig. I'd say only the last quarter was tough, the first three ones were great.

In 2010, I got to see more of the world, gained more weight (I'll be the damned the day I'm able to say I LOST weight), worked hard and partied harder.

More than a couple of times last year, I was made to appreciate all the blessings that I have and the many things I should be thankful for. I began to see little things in a great way, like hearing my mom's voice in the morning calling my name to wake me up, going home to eat whatever she prepared for dinner or being forced to go home because it was late and she's worried about me. Honestly, there was a point when I didn't think I'd get to experience these things again, but here we are and I have the high heavens to thank for that. I have witnessed many times over that not everybody gets a second, third or fourth chance at life on earth and we really just have to be grateful for whatever we have.

On a lighter note, I also appreciate having had the chance to spend time with myself, my friends and family wandering the streets of other countries or simply marveling at the beauty of the sea, eating great food or sharing a few bottles of beer (okay, I'm lying with "few"). I might have partied a little to hard at times, having come face to face with my own bile at one time, but we're only young once and life is fleeting. We should enjoy life as it is. Live in the present with care for the future. This is it.

So I finally got to finish this post which I started last year. 2010 was simple -- it was all about appreciating the little things in life.

I might be sounding a little too cheesy here and I don't know if I'm able to properly convey how I really feel. After certain events last year, I'm just so fucking thankful for every geddemn day. I hope that sounds more like me now.

haha.

Define "Drunken Facebook Status."

2011-01-14T19:03:00.000+08:00

What about "Drunken Tweet"?

And when I woke up, I don't know what the hell was this about. Haha. NATURAL HIGH so true. :)

'Tis the Season of Theme Parties

2010-12-28T14:22:00.003+08:00

Hippie Holiday: 70s Flower Power
We've always had theme parties in the office so it's a given for people to take it seriously. Every year, there are cash prizes and guessing games. For this year's 70's party, I came as Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac. I thought I could pull off the look without having to make an effort in putting the costume together so I wore stuff that I already had in my closet. Another thing, very few are familiar with Stevie Nicks so I actually had the option to come as I please. Hehe.

But in fairness to me, I did have a peg of the Stevie look:

Me (didn't do the floral hair arrangement lest I look drag and decided against the knitted beanie because I'm not in Europe):

Our Chairman and CEO channeling Michael Jackson in his pre-surgery days.

Spotted: Freddie Aguilar partying w/ his high profile barkada -
Blondie, Jimi Hendrix, Telly Savalas, Yoko Ono, Stevie Nicks,
Michelle Philips and Janis Joplin - at a famous Makati joint.

Kings of Neon
For our barkada party, I came up with the NEON theme for two reasons: First, I want a really colorful Facebook album now that I'm posting photos again; and second, because I wanna use the title Kings of Neon (a derivative of my favorite pop rock band Kings of Leon). And what a fun theme it was! I didn't think my friends would take it seriously but when we started giving false promises of cash prizes, they fell for it! I think everyone knew the prize was a bluff but the penalty for not being in costume (P 500) was for real. Haha.

So aside from Christmas lights, we used glow sticks and laser stage lighting to set the mood, and my glowing, flashing, lighted shot glasses (I had three of them but went home with none - silly friends took them home with Patron residue. did.not.wash.).

Party Lights that dance to the beat of the music.

Neonnntastic glowing glass filled with anything we could get our hands on (Patron, Bacardi... name it!)

Hmmm so if it were an event (and actually, it was - in terms of the scale of preparation), what are the specs? 14 people. Hahaha! All the effort for 14 friggin' people. That's what you call Labor of Love Love Love. And just plain, pointless craziness :)

Spotted: Barracudas getting sloshed in neon drag. Somewhere in Pasig.

How serious was it, really? One of us had his shirt customized for this 'event.' :)

The Bikers of the Apocalypse

2010-12-26T14:03:00.001+08:00

The four of them were holding a steady 105 mph, as if they were confident that the show could not start before they got there. It couldn't. They had all the time in the world, such as it was.

Just behind them came four other riders: Big Ted, Greaser, Pigbog, and Skuzz.

They were elated. They were real Hell's Angels now, and they rode the silence.

Around them, they knew, was the roar of the thunderstorm, the thunder of traffic, the whipping of the wind and the rain. But in the wake of the Horsemen there was silence, pure and dead. Certainly dead.

It was broken by Pigbog, shouting to Big Ted.

"What you going to be, then?" he asked, hoarsely.
"What?"

"I said, what you --"

"I heard what you said. It's not what you said. Everyone heard what you said. What did you mean, that's what I want to know?"
Pigbog wished he paid more attention to the Book of Revelation. If he'd known he was going to be in it, he'd have read it more carefully. "What I mean is, they're the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, right?"

"Bikers," said Greaser.

"Right. Four Bikers of the Apocalypse. War, Famine, Death, and -- and the other one. P'lution."

"Yeah? So?"

"So they said it was all right if we cam with them, right?"

"So?"

"So we're the other Four Horse--, um, Bikers of the Apocalypse. So which ones are we?"

There was a pause. The lights of passing cars shot past them in the opposite lane, lightning after-imaged the clouds, and the silence was close to absolute.

"Can I be War as well?" asked Big Ted.

"Course you can't be war. How can you be War? She's War. You've got to be something else."

Big Ted screwed up his face with the effort of thought. "G.B.H." he said, eventually. "I'm Grievous Bodily Harm. That's me. There. Wott're you going to be?"

"Can I be Rubbish?" asked Skuzz. "Or Embarrassing Personal Problems?"*

Hahahahaha! Just gotta love Neil Gaiman! But it makes sense, right? We have Famine, War, Pollution, Death, Grievous Bodily Harm and of course, Embarrassing Personal Problems. Hahahahahaha!
Finally found time to read a book in between downloading stuff, tweeting and blogging.

*Excerpt from Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

Too school for cool.

2010-12-17T23:20:00.002+08:00

How sad that some people are just so not 'game' for fun. Channeling Zenaida Seva: Tandaan, ang square ay hindi well-rounded at ang pikon ay laging talo.

:)

Tell Me Why

2010-12-02T01:26:00.003+08:00

Soon it will be like working with an entirely new (or recent) breed (again) and I'm becoming one of the tandercats already. I kinda welcome it (just like hitting the refresh button) but I also feel like I'm the student who never graduates from college and passes through all the batches.

And this post is bitin.

Brand Positioning

2010-12-01T01:55:00.000+08:00

Now that I'm beginning to be more active in Facebook and starting to post photo albums again (inspired by The Social Network movie), I realized that I need to do some wholesome activities from time to time because all the albums I've posted for 2010 (thus far) have the same theme.

And those are just the ones with documentation. I shall soon make an album out of a lazy afternoon at Alabang Town Center.

In today's episode of Bizarre Jobs...

2010-11-30T12:51:00.000+08:00

I saw these for the first time at a marathon event last weekend. Of course, I'm not among the runners. Instead of committing to race and climb for the environment, I used my "I'm one of the organizers" hat to excuse myself from participating in the activity. I'd like to think I've done my part in helping put this together in my own little way. I helped make a difference without getting jabar and panting for dear life. 25 flights of stairs? Are you kidding me?! There are things that you can do which I can't do and vise versa. Haha. If I get the determination to be fit enough for a vertical marathon, I'm sure I can do it but why bother if it means giving up the finer things in life? hehe (what a twisted health philosophy)

So what to do when the event is underway and the only thing left to do is wait for the runners to finish their... uhm... running? People-watching. Always a favorite past time.

And here's what I saw. Innovative Pinoys have found a way to come up with more cost-effective blimps. Makes sense. This will work for people who love to people-watch or oggle anyway.

Got me wondering how much these guys make by alternately standing or walking around with a branded balloon strapped on their backs. An innovative twist of making something out of doing nothing. Since these things contain gas, it should be light, right?

I'm sure it's difficult to a certain extent but it's really funny to observe. What if he needs to go to the restroom, does he leave the balloon outside and then wear it again or just wear the balloon inside the toilet? He does his thing standing up facing a urinal anyway. So it's okay.

I assume he's not allowed to walk with his other balloon-carrier friends because the idea is to spread out. It would also look bad if the walking blimp man texted, smoked or ate popcorn while doing this... so what can he do with his free hands? Ah, pick his nose.

And if it gets really windy? Wahahahahaah! My colleagues and I were so amused, we probably spent like half an hour staring at them by the curb where the runners are supposed to pass when they're done, imagining all these scenarios.

Like, really, what goes through their minds? After a few hours of doing this I'm sure they're bored as hell. So yes, don't expect them to be walking around with a smile on their faces. They are not mascots. I think the red blimp man got excited in one instance where a group of girls asked to take a photo with him... until they asked him to kneel and hide behind them so only the balloon is included in the photo.

Landslide

2010-11-30T02:13:00.001+08:00

There are songs that you love to sing over and over, and there are those that you love to listen to over and over because it touches your soul. Just because.

I imagine myself alone on the beach, staring out to sea. There's not a lot of people in this area. Shades and earphones on, I'm watching the waves crash onto the fine white sand. It's 3 p.m. and I have a beer bottle in hand. And then Landslide by Fleetwood Mac plays from the iPod.

Suddenly, I have the perfect music to feed on this pensive mood.

There's anxiety in knowing that nothing is certain, except change. For some of us, we're still wondering what's the next phase that we'll have to go through in life and how far will life take us. At times we also think about the worst that could happen to us -- and we know that the things that we've gone through at this point aren't the worst yet because we're out here, alive.

If we're in a good place now, are we afraid of change? Perhaps -- because we'll never know if it's for better or worse until it happens. And if the time comes when something big happens or a major step needs to be taken which will change our lives (for better or worse), would we be able to cope?

And what if we refuse change? Will we live our lives wondering what might have been or what we could have been missing out on all along?

"Time gets bolder, children get older, I'm getting older, too."

There's just something about nature and music (and alcohol) that makes me stop and think and take life a little more seriously.

But in lieu of the beach, I'm lying on my back in the wee hours of the morning, staring into darkness while listening to my playlist and waiting for sleep to come.

How ready are we, really, to take life as it happens?

(Hmmmm okay. I think my brain still holds some residue from our philo classes back in college; a fragment of that neverending quest for the purpose of life.)

Just listen to the song and close your eyes.

That, at this time, some people still don't know BASIC PowerPoint makes me want to cry.

2010-11-24T12:10:00.001+08:00

It's more accpetable for an empty nester but if you're right out of a reputable college or something... Seriously, naiiyak ako!!! But I will help you, I just wish you gave me more time. Haha. Fine. I love you.

Don't assume that I can read your mind because I can't, you fool.

2010-11-15T12:53:00.000+08:00

Yun lang. Good vibes! Thanks!

...

Minsan

2010-11-12T15:31:00.002+08:00

Pag feel na feel mong maganda ka, gumaganda ka nga talaga. Aura ang tawag don. Nadadala ng self-confidence. Pero lumevel up ka based lang dun sa dati mong itsura. Kumbaga, mas maganda ka kaysa sa itsura mo dati. Hindi ibig sabihin na maganda ka talaga, dahil feeling mo lang yon.

Pero malamang masgaganda ka pa kung mabait ka rin. Dahil kung mabait ka, pagbibigyan ko na yang pagfe-feeling mo. Suportahan pa kita.

Gets mo ko, 'teh?

I'm happy like a hippie.

2010-11-11T08:22:00.001+08:00

Long talks about life. That's what happens when you have one of those quiet nights with friends. One of the things I realized is that I think I have everything I need to get through this particular phase in life (not sure what phase this is though). I mean, when I was asked what I thought was lacking at this point, it took me a while to answer. Sure I'm alone but I'm not lonely. I WANT a lot of things but needs are different.

Am I happy? Yes. Not in a cloud nine kind of way, but happy in a peaceful way. God's been good. We still have mom, I have a job that I like (on most days), and I'm surrounded by wonderful people. If you feel the love, what else do you really need? I'm happy like it's my birthday. Haha

I know some people go through worse in life and that's when I get to appreciate the things that I have and the people around me.

Hmmmm. If I have bad days, I also have good days. So this blog wasn't made for rants alone after all.

I love my life. :) Good MorningN Makati!

I'm not on your feed but I'm on the social network dot com.

2010-11-10T10:53:00.000+08:00

My cousins have been teasing me for having a dormant Facebook account saying I should rediscover how to post pics because I've forgotten.

So I've been inactive on Facebook... NOT! See, I've been busy (because I have a lot to say haha), but I just don't post photos, videos or status updates as often.

And why should I bother posting when other people can do it for me? hehe.

Outfits for all occasions!

2010-11-08T13:20:00.001+08:00

Saw photos of spontaneous Friday. One thing I realized -- I wore the same thing all day, which should be fine because I'm not a celebrity.

Jeepney in the morning, clubbing in the evening? So I already have Manila's grime before noon, which by late evening was layered with the scent of smoke, alcohol, sweat and whatever else you pick up from a club, and then a friend threw up -- not on me -- but I had to carry her. AMEN. Good thing I knew I was gonna sleep over and was sober enough to wash my face, brush my teeth and change clothes so I wouldn't have had to sleep in my Friday clothes! (It would have been okay without the jeepney ride in the morning, really.)

Saturday was no different. I wore a dress to a wedding reception, went to Podium and met a friend for a late lunch (so that's okay, I'm still clean), headed to SM Mall of Asia where it rained really hard on an uncovered street party -- that we're dripping wet was an understatement --, headed to Gumbo for the media dinner where we dried up because of the aircon (++ increased chances of pneumonia), afterwards went straight to a friend's party in the same dress and once again, I went home bathing in grime, dried rain, cigarette scent, sweat and whatever else you pick up from home garden parties. (It would've been okay without the rain.)

So to those I hugged and who hugged me back those two days, thank you for not complaining. Either you guys are true friends who love me for who or what I am - or talagang mabango ko kahit ano mangyari. Or parang tissue, puedeng unscented. Hahaha

You can't blame my mom for always asking me in different ways when I greet her with a kiss upon arriving at the house: O, saan-saan ka nanaman nagpunta? Para kang pusa.

Wooooshoo, kung di ko naman sinulat sa taas, di naman ako mukhang madungis e.

When I'm alone

2010-10-28T14:11:00.000+08:00

Three years later and still not quite there yet.

2010-10-25T21:38:00.000+08:00

Was browsing through old blog posts and this one caught my eye. Three years after this was written, I still don't think it has happened yet. I say that because there is no product. The author is still clueless as to how exactly do you help 'make' people.

Love-driven leadership

A few months ago, a friend sent this quote to me about leadership just when I was beginning to learn to be one. And I agree with everything the author said. When you become a leader, what you do is not as important as who you are.

A person can grow two ways: horizontally and vertically. Horizontal growth is when you broaden your horizons, meet new people, learn new things and widen your network. Vertical growth is when you advance spiritually and this is where happiness and contentment play a big part. When you learn to appreciate the good things in life, the blessings you have, you tend to move to a higher level of existence. And this vertical growth is further amplified in leaders because when you become a leader, you are exposed to the opportunity to allow others to advance through you. And when they do, you'll feel a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment that transcends all rewards and recognition.

What distinguishes love-driven leaders from tyrants? Great affection coupled with the passion to see others run at full speed towards perfection. Love-driven leadership is not urging others forward without concern for their aspirations, well-being, or personal needs. Nor is it being the nice guy manager who overlooks underperformance that could damage a subordinate's long-term prospects.

Instead, love-driven leaders hunger to see latent potential blossom and to help it happen. In more prosaic terms, how do children, students, athletes, or employees achieve their full potential? When they're parented, taught, coached or managed by those who engender trust, provide support and encouragement, uncover potential, and set high standards.

-Chris Lowney

HEROIC LEADERSHIP
(Best practices from a 450-year old company that changed the world: The Society of Jesus)

And I'm still learning to be one.

"When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change 'cause you're amazing just the way you are."

2010-10-25T14:12:00.000+08:00

Kalokohan!

2010-10-19T21:35:00.002+08:00

As in most offices, we also have a halloween gimmick. Our group was assigned a theme based on the movie, 'tiyanak' which none of us have seen. Normally, we are capable of working on things we aren't familiar with but it appears that the group is having a hard time interpreting it (haha). I've noticed that other groups in the office who do not belong to our department were easily able to put up decor and I realized that they're fast because they work as their ideas come in. When one member of the group has an idea, he tells his team and immediately goes to work. They don't really care about the coherence in design, their immediate goal was to do something and put it up. And that's really how things like this are done, right? Because the point is to have fun.

Whereas... Because of the natural order of the PR Department, we had to go through the process of scheduling a conf call (I was in the hospital), brainstorming session 1, coming up with an initial idea, evaluating the resources (and upon discovering that we can't afford the materials that we needed), brainstorming session 2 was necessary, and then we began to implement but there was a stall. We weren't sure what to do. All the brainstorming was all talk. Chopsuey ideas. And then today, we realized that we couldn't move without a concrete plan. Yun daw yon! So someone had to draw diagram, complete with details. We had to sit down and brief everyone again. True enough, I think we're on track.

It's either we really had to rely on a 'plan' to implement or maybe our brains are still sabaw coming at the heels of major major draining projects.

Wala lang. I just find it funny that there's so much prep for Halloween Decor! The game is on!

Silence is golden.

2010-10-13T00:02:00.001+08:00

To say that last week was a hell week is an understatement. This week isn't any better, to say the least. I would rather go through physical torture than endure an emotional and spiritual rollercoaster like this.

People always say that things happen for a reason, but I wish I could also fully understand why.

Let me just say that I know I'll be okay. We may or may not get the ending that we are hoping for, but I am prepared to accept whatever it is. The only way to get rid of pain - physical or emotional - is to go through it.

Ate naman.

2010-10-04T20:02:00.002+08:00

Huwag kang ganyan!

I thank you. Bow.

Thursday

2010-10-03T03:24:00.001+08:00

At the start of the season, everybody knew that the Ateneo Blue Eagles as a team wasn't as strong as it was the year before. In fact, none of them made the Mythical Five this year. There really wasn't a superstar in the team; there was not a staple go-to guy, and yet, they achieved what they set out to do. It looked like a tall order with the rival (FEU, not La Salle) tallying a near-perfect win-loss record and was highly favored by everyone else outside of the teams playing in the finals.

The 2010 Championship has demonstrated how extremely capable Norman Black is of building a strong, motivated, and winning team even in the absence of superstars. When the Blue Eagles first came out to the court during Game 1 of the Finals where they trashed FEU so badly, even the crowd felt how motivated these boys were and we knew it was going to be a good day. They started pulling off fastbreak after fastbreak and we could see in their eyes how fired up they were and that they were having fun. By the third fastbreak, they were smiling at each other while running towards the opposite side of the court. Waking up on Thursday morning, it felt like Game 2 was in the bag. And it was!

I only saw the last few minutes of Game 2 for the first time tonight on Youtube and I rejoiced when the buzzer went off as if it just happened, but sad at the same time that I wasn't able to see the game live even on TV. I'm such a big fan of the Blue Eagles but last Thursday, unfortunately, I did not have time to give a damn that I wasn't able to follow it even on Twitter.

There were a lot of instances before when I'd weigh between two things and the litmus test that my friends and I use has always been, "Will I remember this 10 years from now?" Surely, I won't remember what the heck I was doing on my computer or where I was even at that time in 10 years, but I will remember that Ateneo did a historic three-peat in 2010, which I did not see and did not even celebrate. It's just sad but it's not like the death of me. I can live with it.

NBD.

!#Y($Y#(%Y#(%Y!!!

2010-09-27T15:06:00.000+08:00

I think I need to create another blog where I can write about you and you alone.

This is what you do for lunch break and in between work.

2010-09-27T12:47:00.000+08:00

Entertaining more Facebook Memes out of Facebook.

15 Books

The rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen books you've read that will always stick with you. List the first fifteen you can recall in no more than fifteen minutes.

Fight Club, Chuck Pahlaniuk
Good Omens, Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett
The Girl with a Dragon Tattoo, Stieg Larsson
The Girl Who Played with Fire, Stieg Larsson
The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest, Stieg Larsson
Neverwhere, Neil Gaiman
Invisible Monsters, Chuck Pahlaniuk
Microserfs, Douglas Coupland
Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist, Rachel Cohn
After Dark, Haruki Murakami
Veronica Decides to Die, Paolo Coelho
The Rape of Nanking, Iris Chang
Shanghai Baby, Wei Hui
Lovely Bones, Alice Sebold
The Devil wears Prada, Lauren Weisberger

15 Films

15 favorite films off the top of your head.

Fight Club
Almost Famous
Scarface
Rush Hour
Phone Booth
Love Actually
Armageddon
Devil's Advocate
City of Angels
Sweet Home Alabama
Cruel Intentions
Meet Joe Black
The Fast and The Furious
Wicker Park
Wanted

15 Songs

Create an instant playlist and list down the top 15 off the top of your head in no more than 15 minutes. Don't think about it too much, just list away!

Starlight, Muse
Use Somebody, Kings of Leon
Take Me Out, Franz Ferdinand
I Still Remember, Bloc Party
The Prayer, Bloc Party
Time to Pretend, MGMT
Mr. Brightside, The Killers
Somewhere Only We Know, Keane
Bad Dream, Keane
Crash Into Me, Dave Matthews Band
How to Save a Life, The Fray
Collide, Howie Day
Free Fallin', Tom Petty
Everyday is Exactly the Same, Nine Inch Nails
Beautiful Day, U2

I can do another:

Unforgiven, Metallica
All Apologies, Nirvana
Black Balloon, Goo Goo Dolls
Hanging By A Moment, Lifehouse
Wish You Were Here, Pink Floyd
Champaigne Supernova, Oasis
Got You (Where I Want You), The Flys
As Long As it Matters, Gin Blossoms
Plush, Stone Temple Pilots
Black Hole Sun, Soundgarden
Like A Stone, Audioslave
Freshmen, The Verve Pipe
Lightning Crashes, Live
Daughter, Pearl Jam
How You Remind Me, Nickelback

--> I have about 5 minutes to go for this list -- newer ones:

King of Anything, Sara Bareilles
Live Like We're Dying, Kris Allen
Life After You, Daughtry
Kings and Queens, 30 Seconds to Mars
Gotten, Slash feat. Adam Levine
Taylor Swift
Hey, Soul Sister, Train
Meet Me on the Equinox, Death Cab for Cutie
Had It All, Katharine McPhee
21 Guns, Green Day
The Only Exception, Paramore
Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift

Skull candy... minus the skull.

2010-09-27T10:19:00.000+08:00

One of the reasons why I don't wear regular earphones is so that the person sitting next to me wouldn't be annoyed if I decide to play my music a little louder than usual. Similarly, I also want to isolate external noise as much as I can to fully appreciate the art that goes behind the production of music, because even if the volume is really high, external noise still gets in when regular earphones are used.

That said, if you're not wearing noise-cancelling headphones or noise-isolating earphones (proper terms for each), you cannot pretend like you can't hear people calling your name within close proximity, probably at just about 12 inches away from your ear (regular ruler's length).

Now, should you decide to continue with your juvenile ways, I suggest you fund your act accordingly by acquiring the necessary props. Otherwise, you risk being perceived as a brat or a fool. Up to you.

My life according to Incubus

2010-09-25T03:33:00.001+08:00

RULES: Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, answer these questions. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title.

It's a lot harder than you think!

Repost as "my life according to (band name)."Tag your music-loving friends!

Are you a male or female? Southern Girl
Describe yourself. Made for TV Movie
How do you feel? Out from Under
Describe where you currently live. Clean
If you could go anywhere, where would you go? Deep Inside
Your favorite form of transportation? Drive
Your best friend is Stellar
You fear Zee Deveel
What is the best advice you have to give? Make Yourself
Thought for the Day - Just a Phase
How would you like to die? A Kiss to Send Us Off

*what a corny meme but answered it anyway.

Ehem.

2010-09-13T18:55:00.003+08:00

I'm not as stupid as you think I am. Aside from my academic qualifications, I also graduated from the University of Bull, majoring in Shit, and currently taking a masteral degree in Mental Manipulation.

Which means I know what you're doing.

Ego Surfing / Vanity Searching

2010-09-09T11:14:00.001+08:00

Love the new Google Instant feature where they deployed the alphabet coding scheme. Why? Because Google knows me! That's aside from 'optimizing the search experience,' of course. Haha, sound bite.

The other engines don't know me yet, but soon they will. Because in the natural order of the universe, everyone else just follows Google.

But inspite of that, I go to Bing everyday not just to search but to admire the photography. I don't really care that it doesn't know me because I go there for research, not for vanity and ego surfing. Except today, when I wanted to make a comparison on the Instant features. Promise. *Nose grows longer.

And Bing has something that Google and Yahoo don't have: Page previews. When you hover beside the links, it will give you a brief summary of the page to save you the trouble of actually loading it only to find out that it's not what you're looking for. (Click on the photo to enlarge)

And that ends my little experiment for the day.

BREAKING NEWS: I'm gonna die!!!

2010-09-07T22:00:00.002+08:00

Just heard that Muse, Kings of Leon, Phoenix and BLOC PARTY are penciled in to perform at Araneta Coliseum in 2011! Exactly the bands I wanna see. I will be prepared to spend to see these guys live especially Muse and Bloc Party! And Kings of Leon and Phoenix!

That's too long to tweet. Although I also have to will myself not to expect too much because they might do a The Killers on us.

Waaaaaaaaah. This is it!

*First post using my BlackBerry :)

Kings and Queens of Promise

2010-09-07T01:13:00.000+08:00

Tonight you realized that, just like the rest, you also couldn’t cut it.

You wouldn’t find yourself in this position had it not been for your own contribution. You relied so much on other people and probably failed to fulfil your own role in this team. You knew the moment you felt uncomfortable when your teammates had to admit that they let a lot of things slip through the cracks. You overlooked them, too.

That is not to say that you’ve been negligent – it’s just that you did not pay enough attention.

You’ve always believed that a good leader was one who could motivate people to work hard and give their best. In that respect, you are not a good leader. You do well on your own, but not as a leader.

And now, this thought keeps you up. You back track on the things that you should have done. You wish you knew better.

You write all of this because you just couldn’t deal with failure, could you? Nope. That’s true. And then you tweet about it. You just have to.

Dear self, you failed to steer your team towards the ideal direction. And you write to yourself because no one else really wants to tell it to your face.

It's been 10 years.

2010-09-02T11:34:00.000+08:00

At home circa 1983ish? Looks like I was just a year old here.

My brother passed away 10 years ago today. I still miss him, but it's great that in his place, we're blessed with a wonderful kid who can ask dad to skip a day with his golf buddies so that they can bond, make mom smile even in her most difficult moments, tease my sister to tears and wrestle with her to no end, and be my kiddie movie slash driving buddy. Because we spend a lot of time driving around in the car, I shall take credit for influencing his taste in music. He can rock as much as he can rap.

Kuya, your kid is growing up to be much cooler than you! :)

Can't decide for lunch: Lechon Kawali or Salad / Oatmeal?

2010-09-01T12:45:00.002+08:00

Hahaha!

You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.

2010-08-16T14:02:00.006+08:00

Just as I can't believe last year that I've been working for five years, I can't believe that I'm now working for six! Time flies so fast (ohmahgad this means I'm turning 30 soon). I'm not even sure if I've come a long way because it doesn't feel like it. Is it really that fast? I still remember my first day at work and it seems like it's only about a month or so ago. Because I had too much time staring at the hospital ceiling over the weekend, I thought about what has changed and what hasn't. Here's the thing: a lot has changed around me like pay, position, responsibilities and stuff, but I don't think I've changed. I'm still the same, immature young adult who was once nervous about being late on her first day at work because she couldn't remember which building her new office is in.

YOUNG ADULTS in psychology, according to Wikipedia, are persons 20 - 40 years old. See, we're all young adults, then. Hahahaha!

Cheers to age which does not equate to maturity. :)

Here's something from 6 years ago. (Credits to @tigrluna for digging up this photo and posting it on my FB wall! dammyou prez!)

Black and orange Nokia 8310 = check. Nike Prestos = check. Light blue Pierre Marie slacks (???!) = Check. Backpack = check. Arneo Parking Lot = check. So early 2000s! I'm probably listening to Incubus.

WAIT. A. MINUTE. I did change. Putek yaaaaaaaaaaaan!

We ask people about their weekend so we can tell them about ours.

2010-08-15T23:55:00.002+08:00

We all have our crosses to bear. This weekend was another tough one for our family, having to rush mom to the hospital in the wee hours of Thursday morning like it was January 2009 all over again. The respirators, the ambulance, the machines -- they were all there. The difference was her heart did not stop beating this time. What scared us most was when, unable to speak because of the respirator tube shoved down her throat, she tearfully pointed to our deceased loved ones. She wrote their names on a piece of paper and said she saw them inside the room with us: Kuya, wawa, her parents whom we've never met, all of them crying. I kept telling her, "No, mom, they're not here to ask you to come with them. They're just visiting."

I never lose composure infront of my family at times like this because I believe that one of us should always be the pillar of strength, but I broke down when she wrote me a note apologizing because the pain is too much for her to fight back that's she's about to give up, asking me to take care of dad, and that she loves us all. My mom is a fighter; she never complains until it's too severe and it scares me everytime she thinks it's the end. Thank God for a good group of doctors, my uncle included, who would assure us that she'll be fine even when it looked like she wasn't. This gave us hope and the strength to go on and encourage mom to not lose her will to live.

On the first night at the hospital (Thursday), her cardiologist came when she was undergoing dialysis still on a respirator. My doctor uncle was also there watching the procedure and they discussed about her state. Her cardio asked how she was and she shook her head. She wrote on air that she couldn't take it anymore. The doctor said, yes you can. Mom shook her head again and a tear fell down her left eye. Suddenly her cardio pulled the tube which connected the respirator to the tube that's inserted through her throat. "Relax. Now, breathe on your own. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Breathe! 30 seconds, breathe!" And my mom did just that. For 30 seconds until the doctor reconnected the respirator. My mother, the fighter.

Friday was spent training her to breathe on her own again, with the calibration of the respirator being lessened by the hour. She was still very uncomfortable and in pain but not hopeless.

Saturday morning, they removed the respirator, the NGT and the IV. No more tubes. My mom can't speak yet because of the strain that the tubes caused on her throat but she's beginning to get her voice back. She was able to walk to the restroom, eat on her own and silently laugh at what we're watching on TV.

Tonight, the cleaning lady visited my mom's room to do her chores and even she was in awe of my mom's progress. She asked her, "Ma'am, di ba po nakarespirator ka pa kahapon? Ang galing-galing naman tinanggal na nila, okay na po kayo. Salamat sa diyos!"

Everyday, I'm thankful for being given the chance to have mom with us for another day. Thankful for being given a second and a third chance. I'm also thankful to all the people who visited, said their prayers, texted and called to ask about mom's progress - friends, relatives, colleagues, neighbors, even twitter friends and their direct messages. Just the mere expression of concern helped a lot.

She's still in the hospital, but she'll be discharged soon. For as long as there's hope, we'll never get tired of fighting this battle with her.

Sunday Slowdown

2010-08-01T23:54:00.003+08:00

I love to party, I love to drink, I love making noise (in whatever form), I love talking, and I love laughing. I'm not the type of person who goes to the spa or salon to get pampered, but I cherish the times when I get to drive steadily on a Sunday evening with a good soundtrack. That's enough ME time.

Tonight, I've got five songs on loop. Only.

GOTTEN - Slash feat. Adam Levine

MOVING BACKWARDS - Ben Rector

CRACK THE SHUTTERS - Snow Patrol

I STILL REMEMBER - Bloc Party

KINGS AND QUEENS - 30 Seconds to Mars

At the end of this week, I'm looking forward to lots of laughter, long walks, long talks, getting wasted and having a bit of 'alone' time. Not to mention seafood, hotdogs, choriburger... Sun (hopefully), sand, sea and San Mig Light.

Boracay, I'm so excited to see you!

Things you should do privately, you should do privately.

2010-07-21T01:31:00.009+08:00

I would take oversharing on Facebook and Twitter anytime over being an involuntary audience to an exhibition.

There, I said it. No offense. None taken. Just making it clear.

No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide.

2010-07-14T19:34:00.000+08:00

I know why you hate blackouts. First because of the uncomfortable experience of trying to sleep in heat and sweat, and second because no matter how hard you try, you just can't sleep. And because you can't sleep you get to think about a lot of things, make a lot of realizations and discover another dimension to stuff you thought you already understood. If just days ago you're confident about a decision you made, now you're wondering again if you really did, inspite of people around you assuring you that it was right.

You see another dimension which was just on the surface. You wonder why you didn't see something that was there all along. People will assure you that they're after your well-being, but of course, you realize, they have theirs on top priority. Then again, it depends on how you look at it. At first, you feel stupid, but you stop. You will yourself not to feel stupid because you know you're bigger than that. Bigger than what they take you for. You are not missing out on anything. You carry on. And hope it will all be worth something in the end.

You see the sun rising. You stop ruminating.

I want the soundtrack.

2010-07-13T10:52:00.001+08:00

I love how this video was made. Touching, but with just the right amount of cheese.

My nose is clogged and my left ear is deaf.

2010-07-12T18:11:00.002+08:00

This blog was locked for less than a week because I was in the process of semi-changing the look, or should I say 're-coloring'. I also wanted to make sure I didn't send out last week's negative vibes to all of cyberspace, but still have a place to vent my ire out (and stop myself from breaking the glass window). I did write about airing dirty laundry on Facebook previously and how much I don't appreciate status updates that are just so revealing.

So now that I'm in a better mood and this blog is (kinda) clean (of nasty stuff written last week) and colorful, it's open to the world! If anyone picks up any subliminal message from my rants (just the rants), let me say that nothing is intentionally directed to anyone. Sometimes it's just the hormones talking or a clouded sense of judgment brought about by impulsive reactions.

WTF is with this week?

2010-07-06T13:13:00.001+08:00

This is better than ranting full-on in Facebook, yeah? Twitter today is full of negative vibes. Something is wrong in the universe. Great. I am not alone.

But I'm going out. I wanna be alone.

Kthanxbye.

:l

2010-07-05T12:19:00.001+08:00

annoyed.

Yun lang. Thank you.