Burning the Midnight Oil

Settled down in my little nook at home to do some work past midnight and thought I'd drop by this oft-forgotten repository of thoughts for some writing therapy. Browsed through it, too, and realized I feel like writing most when things are not going well. Most of the entries bear the themes of burn out, tiredness, a seeming lack of sense of achievement - that even I got tired of my own drama.

2015 has been relatively okay. And by okay I mean it has its highs and lows but nothing to be shaken about. The past few years have been good travel-wise. I'm at a phase where I'm really keen to see the world. Sometimes, I think that perhaps I'm not in a relationship because I'm meant to enjoy life without baggage first before getting sucked into the romance and the headaches that come with it. And I'm fine with that.

Come to think of it - I've been very blessed. While my life is nothing spectacular at this point, I think I've got a pretty good one.  

Don't Look Down

I worked on a project with a brand I handled and have come to love since day one at work almost 11 years ago. It turned out to be hugely successful that the execution of our team was deemed better than the other countries in Asia. I was on a high, albeit a short ride, and I think it's because I've missed that feeling - that sense of accomplishment and the delayed gratification that came with it. 

We've had several other projects before this but all of those were mired by problems, exposing weaknesses in the system, challenging our leadership and testing the mettle of our people - some of whom, unfortunately, did not live up to expectations. After that string of near-misses, I was determined not to screw this particular project up and committed to handle it personally instead of endorsing it to a manager and an executive. Suffice to say it went well. I learned a wealth of things that I wouldn't have given a damn about, hopped between airports, endured the traffic and the dirty air in Manila, and struggled to hear through the thick accents of the people we were dealing with. For weeks on end, I soldiered on until it was necessary to involve the rest of the office. I could not have done it all if it weren't for the great support I got from my colleagues. From the superiors who willingly took on the load I had to sideline to focus on this one, to the young professionals who were fast learners and handled their responsibilities efficiently. During that three-day period, I saw our team work at its best and I was reminded of the Perceptions that I've always known. The fire was back, spirits were up and the momentum was so there. 

Of course, something had to happen that brought me down from the high, and I wasn't able to bring myself back to it. Hurtful words were exchanged, bringing to question the sincerity of the intentions and all the actions that came with it. I was bawling in the presidential comfort room at the airport on day two, forcing myself to stop when I realized I had been inside for some 20 minutes. Why couldn't we have just enjoyed the ride, up to now I still could not comprehend. The conflict was resolved a few weeks later, but it still could not bring back the moment that was lost. 

All is well. At the end of the day, I'm still proud of what our team has accomplished. I'm proud of my colleagues. I sent messages to each of them to make sure they knew how much I appreciated them and their work, and it also felt good to see them bask in the glory for being recognized for their individual contributions.

What I learned from this experience is that no matter how given it is that people are good and no matter how many times they have been told that they are doing a good job, we should not hold back on showing them over and over again how much we appreciate the dedication, hard work and sacrifices that were made to deliver a job well done.

Because sometimes, the only thing a subordinate really needs after a long period of working her heart out is a good, sincere pat on the back from the people she looks up to, and not a weak, customary fist bump that's half 'good job!' and half 'goodbye!'.

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Christmas Day Funk

Not to rain on anyone's parade, but I'm seriously not feeling the season. 2014 has its moments, but it's certainly not the best year for me personally. 

My issues, which seem trivial to some who feel the weight of the world on their shoulders, are taking a toll on me. Just because my problems are much smaller, it doesn't mean they are not significant. I'm in a rut, the kind where I've never been, and there's no one who understands because I also couldn't fully articulate it all.

Guess we play the cards we're dealt with, and this I'll have to figure out alone.

Working on a Saturday for the second time in the last two weeks.

I think about my to-do's and I just get tired. There's not enough time to accomplish everything and neither is there enough brain to accomplish everything well.

I don't mean to turn this blog into a rant bin but I don't think anyone really wants to listen to my sorry work tales, even my colleagues.

Beach, please.

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"I don't know"

Days like this, I ask myself --- why do I have to endure this? To what end? I'm just really, really tired. Not physically tired, but spiritually and emotionally tired. And I'm really, really thinking of taking my dad's offer to have me rest for a few months and study something, anything that I want to learn. I think I need it for my sanity.

I looked up burnout online, and I do have half of the tell-tale signs. Fuck that.


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They make it sound so simple.

"Love what you do and it will love you back."

Then how come I'm freaking miserable?

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It's true what they say: just when you think you're fine, it just hits you. Again.

Since I have not blogged for quite some time, I re-read some of my posts again and came across one about mom. Couldn't help but cry, loads, at the thought of happier days, of never getting to hear her voice again or see her gestures of approval or that half smile that tells me everything will be ok.

I would give anything for just one hug. Just one more hug.

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Saw Cinderella in a Party Dress but She was Looking for a Nightgown

 

 

And the decades disappear like sinking ships, but we persevere

God gives us hope but we still fear what we don't know

 

The mind is poison
Castles in the sky sit stranded, vandalized
A drawbridge is closin'

 

- A Dustland Fairytale

 

Funny how music can express the feelings we're unable to articulate. Sometimes I feel like I've hit a wall with nowhere to go. Alcohol does not do its job like it used to. I go to work in high spirits, pumped after a vacation, a dose of good news, cyber laughter with friends or just plain self-motivation, but lately the work day ends with me feeling like crying and just defeated. No matter what I do, I can't seem to get out of the slump. And it sucks because I do not only fail in managing people, I also fail in managing myself.

It's when you know you try but you feel like crap. I don't want people to listen to my drama or see my tears and I hope they don't come across this blog (the world is really so digital I can't help but blog instead of write in a diary or something. That's just so outdated).

People like me do not know how to cope with failure. We hold ourselves in high regard that we cannot accept that we fail. That we have to fail and that success is hard work coupled with failure.

The signs are all around. Glaring, even. I want to let go of the baggage and start with a clean slate, and by clean slate, I mean brand new. Like, I don't want a fabulous update to my phone's OS. I want a new phone with nothing in it, where I'll install new apps and store new numbers, make new conversations and playlists. I think I'm tired of this one for so many reasons I can't even zero in on one.

I'm tired of going home feeling like crap or needing a vacation right after getting back from one. My glass is full and overflowing and the floor is flooded.

HASHTAG EMO.


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Saturday

Of all the days of the week, it is on Saturdays that I'll miss you most, Mom. For the past three years or so, Saturday has always been our bonding day because I get to have my turn in taking care of you. On good days, we get to have lunch at a place that you prefer, go around the mall a bit to shop before heading home so that you can rest.

I woke up early today as I've been accustomed to, and when I went out of the room and saw Dad tinkering with his iPad on the dining table, I realized today was unlike our Saturdays because you're not here anymore. I willed myself to fall asleep again so that I won't have to feel the void too much. When Don woke up, he immediately said that he misses you because he looked forward to Saturday mornings at ATC while we wait for you to finish treatment. He, too, feels the emptiness.

We looked for ways to busy ourselves. Dad played golf, Jenna went to work and Don and I had lunch out and saw a movie.

Thank you for enduring the pain over and over to prepare us for this. You are the bravest soldier I know.


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I like friends who, when you tell them you need a moment alone, know enough not to stray too far.

It's true what they say: you'll find out who your real friends are in times of need. I am grateful to be surrounded by a bunch of people who genuinely love and care for me as I grieve the passing away of my mother. These are the people who rushed to my side on the first night of my mother's death even when I told them I'll be fine. These are the people who, without thinking twice, took a 45-minute joyride from the north to have coffee with me at 10 pm on the first night after the burial because they know that's when I'm going to start feeling the brunt. They know me too well. They know me well enough to know that the thought of them nearby would be enough to comfort me.

These are the people who went out of their way to be with me even if I wasn't asking for anything. Even if I couldn't sit with them at the wake, they would be there each night, for 2-4 hours to show support. These are the people who thought less of what a hassle it would be for them to make an extra effort for me. I feel so loved. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Lord, for these people.

On the other hand, there were also some people who I thought would be at my side through most of the ordeal but were not. I had a wrong impression of my value to them. It manifested in the things they said and did and didn't do. The sad thing is, I make an extra effort for these people. I go to them, even if it means driving far away from the south, because I know that they'd need someone to hang with. Someone to be there for them no matter how trivial the conversations turn out. One of them even pointed out that he/she will go if there's beer... Or if there's a new restaurant to try, just to make the trip down south worth it. Really? I'm not needy. This is a rare period in my life and one of the few times when I also want it to be about me, and not just the beer.

You see giant proclamations are all very well, but love and true friendship are louder than words. In my world, expensive, material things easily get trumped by the simple gesture of just. being. here.

And I'm grateful to know how much I matter to most of the people who matter to me.


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Only the Dead Have Seen the End of War

Three nights ago, we laid our mother to rest. There is pain, grief and sadness but at the same time, there is that sense of relief and liberation. Finally, my mom's six-year battle with a terminal illness is over.

It was painfully long and excruciating. There were so many harrowing nights of uncertainty and helplessness, but we were never hopeless for we knew that our mother would never give up without a fight. Before her last hours on earth, our mother faced death five times throughout the six-year ordeal and each time, she emerged triumphant. Wounded and scathed but nonetheless alive.

Mom fought so hard and we knew it was because of us. We knew she wanted to rest. She was going through so much pain that she wanted to die but her resilience betrayed her. It even got to a point that she was apologetic - sorry that she may not survive the next time her heart stopped beating or lungs got congested. But she never gave up until the end.

I couldn't begin to express how I really feel. There's a deep sense of loss, a void that will never be filled. Our home will never be the same. Our family will never be the same. Life will never be the same without mom. But I am comforted by the thought that she is free from pain. It's over. And I'm just grateful for the time we spent with mom. Grateful that she prepared us all for this moment. Grateful that she left us in peace. There's no unfinished business. True to her character, my mom had it all sorted out.

I was able to say sorry for all my misgivings as a daughter. That I will miss her and everything she does for us. That I love her for all her imperfections - for all that she is and for all that she isn't. I couldn't have had a better mom.

I'm grateful for having spent almost thirty years with you, Mom. I am what I am because of you and daddy. When you passed away, you took a part of me with you, but you also left a part of you with me.

It's over, Mommy. You can rest now. It's going to be tough, but we will be ok.

I love you.


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Checking In

It's been four months since I last posted?! Sorry for neglecting you, blog, but I've been too busy doing all sorts of stuff.  Plus, I went to the beach often last year so that was good enough as a form of release.

And it's been 2 months since I last saw sand and sea. Needing the beach again, but for the meantime, I'll write.

But I'll get back to you later.

On Resignations

I feel sad everytime good hires decide to leave the company. More than anything, we invest time in making better corporate individuals out of them and the worst thing is that they often give up even before we're halfway there. There's a lot of potential in most of them and it saddens me that they allow themselves to be swayed by how they feel, mistaking it for a logical process.

If there's one thing I've realized all these years, it's that it's easy to give up just because we think we're not headed where we're supposed to go or because what's happening is not according to our ideals. Ideals are precisely that-- ideals. Everyday, we have to work towards our goals and sometimes we turn out as planned and oftentimes, we don't.

That's life. Deal with it.

Guess what I really resent is that good hires leaving is a set back to me. I need an heir to my humble throne and I won't get to complete my mission of finding that person if my potential heirs leave before they even prove they're worthy.

Fail. Again.

As in 30-day blogger challenge fail. I wonder how hardcore bloggers do it? :)

Day 8: Hong Kong

Day 8: A place you've traveled to

(Note: I'm continuing the 30-day blogger challenge which I started in August 2011. Obviously I wasn't successful then. Let's see now!)

 

 

Hong Kong is memorable to me because it's the first country I traveled to outside of the Philippines. Even though I was only about 10 years old then, I still remember the feeling of seeing a whole new country for the first time. Different people, different languages, different way of life. It was all fascinating to me. After quite a long time of trying to explain myself to the people I talk to, I remember the joy I felt when someone approached me and spoke to me in Tagalog. I didn't realize that there were a lot of Filipinos there, but somehow it was nice to know there were others like us. I was eager to see the similarities and took notice of even the little things. It was my first time to see a place outside of the Philippines and I instantly recognized how much more progressive they were. I think I rode the MTR before I've even tried the LRT!

 

The entire experience was memorable from applying for a passport and getting the worst headshot taken just outside of the DFA premises, getting on a plane and landing in a different country to arriving back in the Philippines with tons of memories and stories to share. 

When people tell me they're going out of the country for the first time, I get really excited for them, especially kids, because I'm reminded of how cool it was back then.

 

Fast forward to 19 years later and I've already gone to a lot of other countries after that trip to Hong Kong. The farthest ones I got to visit through work and one of the 'firsts' that I enjoyed was traveling alone. First I traveled back from the US to Manila alone and I was so paranoid about missing connecting flights! And then I was sent to UK on official business -- that was excitement on a much, much higher level. I was alone in a country far, far away, and I survived and made the most out of it.

 

Weird, but to be in Boracay alone is also in my bucket list. It would've been the easiest to do, but what's stopping me is the thought of the nights. The days I'll survive alone. All I do is hang at the beach anyway. The nights, though, I need to drink and drinking ain't fun alone. Soooo.

 

The end!

 

 

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Day 7: No, we can't talk about it.

Day 7: Favorite Movies

(Note: Because I feel like it, I'm continuing the 30-day blogger challenge I started in August 2011. Here's my second attempt at finishing it!)

Most of the greatest movies have a killer soundtrack and with my being a music junkie, it's just natural that I'm drawn to perfectly crafted moments that months or years later, I sometimes can't remember the whole point of the movie anymore, but I'll always remember the scene.

10. Wicker Park

Precisely for THIS moment.

9. City of Angels

I cried my eyes out for this movie. In this particular scene, I totally understand the longing that Seth feels and how difficult it is to lose a loved one, like I'd be willing to trade anything for five minutes with my brother again.

8. Phonebooth

This one I love just for the sheer creativity of it. I was watching it in awe at how cost-efficient this must be, not to mention the superb scriptwriting.

7. Devil's Advocate

"Let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He's a prankster. Think about it. He gives man instincts. He gives you this extraordinary gift, and then what does He do, I swear for His own amusement, his own private, cosmic gag reel, He sets the rules in opposition. It's the goof of all time. Look but don't touch. Touch, but don't taste. Taste, don't swallow. Ahaha. And while you're jumpin' from one foot to the next, what is he doing? He's laughin' His sick, fuckin' ass off! He's a tight-ass! He's a SADIST! He's an absentee landlord! Worship that? NEVER!"

6. Meet Joe Black

It's not in the trailer, but here's one nice quote from the movie:

 

"Find someone you can love like crazy and who will love you the same way back. How do you find him? Well, you forget your head, and you listen to your heart. And I'm not hearing any heart. Cause the truth is, honey, there's no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well, you haven't lived a life at all. But you have to try, cause if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

 

 

5. Before Sunrise / Before Sunset

Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy's chemistry is undeniable. I know most people who got bored with this movie because it was all talk and not much action, but I'm such a sucker for good conversations. While watching the movie, I felt like I was with them.  It's one of those 'fate brought us together' types, but here you can really feel the characters connecting. And the endings are almost always open-ended -- leaves us to create our own.

 

"What if you had a second chance with the one that got away?"

 

 

5. 500 Days of Summer

This is a love story that ends realistically. They didn't end up together.  This scene is the most heartbreaking of all.

Deconstruction 101
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Tom: You never wanted to be anybody’s girlfriend and now you’re somebody’s wife.
Summer: That surprised me too.
Tom: I don’t think I’ll ever understand that… I mean it doesn’t make sense.
Summer: It just happened.
Tom: Right… but that, that’s what i don’t understand. what just happened?
Summer: I just, I just woke up one day and I knew.
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.
Tom: You know what sucks? That everything you believe in is complete and utter bullshit. It sucks. You know, destiny, soul mates, true love and all that childhood fairytale, none sense. You were right. I should have listened to you.
Summer: I guess it's coz I was sitting in a deli and reading Dorian Grey and a guy comes up to me and asks me about it. And now he is my husband. So what if I've gone to the movies? What if I had gone somewhere else for lunch? What if I'd gotten there ten minutes later? It was meant to be and I just kept thinking. Tom was right.

4. Any Given Sunday

One of the best inspirational moments ever.

3. Love Actually

Sweet. This movie is pure love. So many characters whose lives, for some reason, are intertwined. This particular scene is romantic but not cheesy. It's so genuine that if it happened to me, di ko siya tutuksuhing baduy!

2. Almost Famous

Everyone dreams of that rockstar moment. For those who are not in the scene, we've always wondered what it's like to be in it. That sense of being brought together by music, sharing the same passion, loving what you do and the shit that goes with it.

Before this scene, there was conflict among everyone in that bus. There were so many issues that have not been resolved and ill-feelings harbored towards one another. They're a tight group, but it was falling apart. Then the song came on, and without dialogue, we see everyone coming together again.

Don't we all have that moment when we come into conflict with the people we care about, like the "I so hate you right now" feeling?  No matter how big our issues are, our love and affection for those people will never go away. We go through rough patches, but there comes a moment when apologies need not even be said. It can be a joke that everyone can't help but laugh at, or a song that you all just can't help but sing along to. In that moment, it's all understood and we are okay :)

This will go down as one of the best sing-along scenes ever.

1. Fight Club

Nobody does mindfuck as well as Chuck Pahlaniuk does.  Add David Fincher's filmmaking prowess and we get a fucking good film which I saw over and over and over again.

Here's one of the best dialogues --- in kinetic typography.

 

 

 

It's the greatest moment of your life, man, and you're out somewhere miserable!

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Day 6: (Drunk) Plants vs Zombies

Day 6: A picture of something that makes you happy

(Note: Because I feel like it, I'm continuing the 30-day blogger challenge I started in August 2011. Here's my second attempt at finishing it!)

This photo never gets old! Can't help but laugh whenever I remember this one Christmas get-together when all of us got hammered silly and started doing crazy weird stuff. Trigger-happy me just started snapping away and it was only the morning after when I got to see what kind of shots I took.

One of my friends was sitting on the cooler, Indian style, staring at the sky while sucking a straw in her mouth. One was beside a tree doing the Beyonce booty shake with white shutter shades on... And then this!!! They're seriously role-playing I guess. What you don't see in the picture is one of our guy friends crouched on te floor, carrying the flower pot on which this plant was on to make sure that the pea shooter always had the paso with her wherever she goes. Mwahahaha ha shucks. People our age aren't supposed to play like this anymore!

Notice my friend who has the purple stocking on her face with matching facial expression! And the zombie is looking at the camera, bet she's smiling underneath - that or she's giving us the scary face. We wouldn't know!

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███ ███ ████████ █████ ███ █████ ███.[ʙʟᴏᴄᴋᴇᴅ.] (ʀᴀ ɴᴏ. 10175)

This Cybercrime Prevention Law is just too ridiculous not to write about. If it were to take effect in its present version, consider this an attempt at increasing my years in prison for all the libelous things I said about no one you could identify all over social media.

 

Good thing my posts have always been vague. You won't know for sure that it's you I'm talking about in those rant posts unless you get to walk inside my head. And if you have a strong feeling it's you, I can't blame you and you can't blame me for harboring those thoughts about you.  And I'm not naming anyone here except for the stupid government who even allowed this to progress in such a state.

 

What the hell is wrong with you?! To think that the person who added the libel clause plagiarized a blog (read: STOLE) which was why he was subjected to such intense cyberbullying in the first place.  And then the person who signed it claims he reviewed it thoroughly. Either he was lying to cover up his complacency or he's also that stupid to even be able to discern what those clauses really mean.

Are we to blame if we don't take well to stupidity? 

 

The Cybercrime Law is just so stupid I wonder if those who wrote and signed it even know how social media really works. I can go on and write about this all night but I'll be in super deep shit by then.

███ ███ ████████ █████ ███.[ʙʟᴏᴄᴋᴇᴅ.] (ʀᴀ ɴᴏ. 10175)

 

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Day 5: "My body feels young but my mind is very old."

Day 5: A song to match your mood

(Note: Because I feel like it, I'm continuing the 30-day blogger challenge I started in August 2011. Here's my second attempt at finishing it!)

 

One day, I'm gonna leave this planet
You know I'd stay but I just can't stand it and
I can feel the warning signs running around my mind
One day, I'm gonna leave my spirit
I'll find me a hole and I will live in it and
I can feel the warning signs running around my mind

Half the World Away, Oasis

 

 

Hmmm. I haven't been in the best mood lately. I can be my usual happy self on the exterior and that's because I really don't want to pull anyone down with me. I try to sort things out by myself with the help of some friends who would lend their ears and listen to what I have to say.

 

I'm actually not sure about what it is that weighs me down, I just know there's something.  I've been needing more trips to the beach lately. I just want to be near the water so I can smell the sea, breathe fresh hair, look at the sky and get some peace and calm. It also helps that I'm surrounded by friends. When we're talking silly and laughing our hearts out, I feel great. When we talk serious and they listen to me, I feel genuine concern.

 

Of course, those trips eventually end and we get sucked again into the monotony that is everyday life. Then we go live on the surface and try really hard to trick our minds and look okay.  There are times when we forget, but when we remember, it kind of feels twice heavy.  Then there are people you hang with, who call themselves your "friend/s", who expect you to listen to them but not listen to you.  It's okay because when I call myself a friend, I listen. 

THEN AGAIN, it could be my hormones writing.

 

I think this song comes pretty close to articulating my mood. The lyrics are quite self-explanatory.

 

 

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Throw Your Arms Around Me.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that at the end of the day, I find that it's not the work that frustrates me.

And I'm not not sure what I'm holding out for or what's in the way. This frustration is unnecessary and I'm not sure I want to do this for a long time.

This shouldn't be it. Whatever I think, say or do next could be perceived as selfish, but it has got to happen.




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