I want a one-way ticket to anywhere.

Boracay used to be a happy pill, now it has become more of a pain killer that can only last for so long.

I think I'm overwhelmed by the monotony of the day-to-day, enhanced by the fact that sometimes, the environment can be somewhat demotivating.

It's a little bit discouraging to feel like as if I don't share the same level of committment with other people who are supposed to have an even higher sense of ownership. And I'm just really, really, really tired of how things are sometimes.

A drink, a trip to the beach  --- they've all lost their magic.


:(

Reality vs Expectations

Sometimes, it just sucks not to know, and worse, to not have the courage to ask. We just have to live with what we have, accept what's thrown our way and pray that we're getting it right.

And sometimes it gets really frustrating to not be able to say what we want to say and do what we want to do.


>>>>>

Revenge of the Fallen

A lot of things are going on lately and a lot of things are being done around us. It's a challenging time, but when I say challenging, I don't mean difficult. It's challenging in a way that it fires up your insides and pushes you towards a goal.

And all this is brought about by circumstance. It's nobody's fault, but it's everybody's responsibility.


>>>>>>>>>

Quick check-in

I've been meaning to write here and I've already thought of several topics.

Pero wait lang, busy ako!



>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

We're in hell right now, Gentlemen.

And, we can stay here, get the shit kicked out of us, or we can fight our way back into the light.  - Tony D'Amato (Al Pacino), Any Given Sunday


Actually, we're not in hell. 


Just thought that this line from one of my favorite movies was a good one. The past few months have been pretty cray at work, with a lot of good and not-so-good developments (wouldn't say bad), but We. Are. Not. In. Hell. In fact, things are looking up and I'm positive that we will have a strong finish this year.


Of course, there are crappy days and weeks, but everyone has them, right? Without crappy, we wouldn't know happy. Like many brave soldiers, we carry on day by day and make the best of what's left to us, and fight for what we think we deserve.


We shall leave no stone unturned. I get goosebumps whenever I come across Al Pacino's locker room scene in Any Given Sunday. I feel it. If you don't get even just an ounce of motivation from it, I don't know what kind of cold-hearted creature you are.


"You find out life's this game of inches, so is football. Because in either game - life or football - the margin for error is so small. I mean, one half a step too late or too early and you don't quite make it. One half second too slow, too fast and you don't quite catch it. The inches we need are everywhere around us. They're in every break of the game, every minute, every second. On this team we fight for that inch. On this team we tear ourselves and everyone else around us to pieces for that inch. We claw with our fingernails for that inch. Because we know when add up all those inches, that's gonna make the fucking difference between winning and losing."

Lenten Reflections (Oh My God)

When we were younger, we observed the Lenten season quite differently. This was the time when there were just the malls, TV, radio and nothing else. We felt the solemnity of the season because of the quietness of the surroundings -- malls were closed, TV stations showed religious movies, and radio stations played nothing.

Today, it's different. I feel that somehow, the significance of the season is a bit diluted owing to the fact that there are a lot of distractions. Twitter, Path, Pinterest, Draw Something... and the tons of torrents I downloaded.  More people see it as vacation season than a time for reflection, and I'm not judging them although our family's the type who would stay instead of be somewhere else because we're all brought up that way.  Now, to me, the holy days sometimes feel like any other holiday. No work and that's it.

I admit that I've been jaded about Lent for quite a while. When we do the Stations of the Cross, it feels like The Rosary. A bunch of repetitive prayers that sometimes lose its meaning in the middle of the act, when your mind begins to zone out, wishing to get it over and done with.  What's more meaningful to me are the personal prayers - praying on my own in my room, while driving in the car or kneeling before the altar at the church because the way we profess our faith now is kind of disenchanting. Some people go to mass for the heck of it, like a requirement that you have to do but would jump at any chance to have a super valid reason to skip it. 

I was bored out of my wits on Holy Wednesday and Holy Thursday.  Staved off the boredom on Holy Wednesday by driving up north to see friends and have a couple of beers.  What made a difference, though, was the decision to do the Way of the Cross at Highstreet on the night of Holy Thursday. I decided to do it for two things: 1) I felt slightly guilty of not doing anything for Lent. No mass on Ash Wednesday, no fasting and not even observing the no-meat Fridays; and 2) I was bored and wanted to go out.

The Way of the Cross at Highstreet made a difference because it personalized the otherwise routinary Stations of the Cross. It doesn't really describe the stations through scriptures entirely, instead, it encourages the participant to reflect, through certain Acts, on the real meaning of Lent. Aside from being reminded of how God so loved the world that He gave his only son, that Way of the Cross also made me think about my own life - the blessings I have and the people around me who make my life worth living. I came out eternally grateful, again, to the Lord, and to all my loved ones.  At one point, as part of the activity, I confessed my sins to the air, and felt comfort knowing that I've been absolved.

I liked it because it was personal. It was an entirely different way of reflecting and experiencing Lent, of recognizing and seeking absolution for my misgivings, of appreciating the blessings and the challenges thrown my way, of praying and seeking strength and guidance, and of reinforcing the fact that I have not lost my faith and that I just needed a more sincere way of practicing it.

Writing a prayer for the people who make our lives worth living. #WayOfTheCross #BHS

I remember one particular moment this afternoon (Holy Thursday), while I was lost in my own world tinkering with my iPod and BlackBerry alternately, my Mom reminded me about how good God has been to our family.  Four incidents of cardiac arrest and a heart attack, but still, here we are, talking to each other on Maundy Thursday.

I have always known this, so I wouldn't say it's a realization, but somehow the thought still struck me: God really is here. He has always listened to and answered my prayers even if I question Him ALL THE TIME.  I do not always understand Him, but I've always believed Him.  And I don't only call on to Him in times of deep trouble or dire need.  God is the first one I call when the roller coaster takes that sudden dip or when Ryan Gosling takes off his shirt or when I finally get that first swig of beer after a long day at work.

OH. MY. GOD. Thank you for everything.

I love you.

>>>>>>>>>>>>

IT IS more fun in the Philippines.

NOTE: This post is ONLY somewhat related to tourism.

With my nephew back in his home in Quezon City to have his measurements taken for a suit, my sister in Clark for a company event, and my father out on his customary Saturday Golf day, I'm the one spending quality time with my mom tonight. Saturdays are the only time when I get to really bond with her. I'm out everyday and almost every night of the week, sometimes even Saturdays and Sundays.  So by my dad's design, I have mom time every Saturday morning. I pick her up from her dialysis treatment then we have lunch together. Depends on her energy level, we can sometimes spend a few more minutes looking at clothes in the department store... or not.

It's interesting to note how the times have changed.  Before, it was our parents making the effort to spend time with us amidst all the work and everything else that they have to do and us children eagerly anticipating family time.  Now, it's us making time for our parents, trying to go home for dinner midweek so that we can all be complete at the dinner table.

It's during these Saturdays that my mom gets to tell me how she spent the week, her worries and issues, and at the same time I get to tell her anything I feel like telling her. As she was watching TV a while ago while I tinker with my iPod right beside her, she begins to show me this news program on TV5 that she loves watching everyday at around 7 p.m.. It has a special segment on the different sights and tourist destinations in the Philippines. I immediately recognize this as part of the tourism campaign, in the same way that TV and radio stations have created their own "It's more fun" station IDs or somehow included the campaign in their regular programming.

My mom mentioned how much she loves that segment on the show about tourist destinations.  She remembered the feature on Siargao, a virgin beach with white sands, and tonight, the feature was on Boracay and how the government is gearing up for the influx of tourists during Holy Week.  She's never really been to Boracay and she's curious about why I love going there over and over and over again, multiple times of the year.  I tell her about the recent beaches I've been to -- the ones she hasn't visited (You see, my mom also loved going to the beach when she was younger).  I told her about Siargao, Boracay, Anawangin, La Union... in a really animated way as I get in the zone when I talk about the beach. Then she drops a one-liner that almost made me want to slam my stuff and run out of the room as fast as I can: "Sayang, sa TV nalang ako nanonood, hindi ko na mapupuntahan lahat yan."

Instead I sat there, frozen. Staring at the TV screen but not watching.  You see, I know what the situation is. I know fully what she meant by what she said.  But somehow, confronted by an instance like that, I was at a loss for words. And it's just like me to gather my bearings in a matter of seconds and utter a comeback which would get me out of the situation: "Alam ko na, gusto mo ng Ice Cream? Wait, I'll get us ice cream!"  *Excitedly exited the room*

The moment I was out of the door, I heaved a sigh. I hate being in a situation like that. I cannot take it. It's just too damn difficult to face. And although the situation is what it is, it's still such a pain to hear references to it being uttered aloud, as if actually hearing concrete sentences verbalized by other people makes something that's been running around your head all the more true.

I go back to the room with ice cream, and as I handed my mom her share, I said: "Don't worry, mom. You will live vicariously through me."

She nodded, smiled and took a spoonful of ice cream.


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

When you live like this, you're supposed to party.

It's true that time flies when you're having too much fun. When people comment about how much time I spend going out, the quantity of alcohol I consume or that I may be abusing my body in that I stay out way too late on weekdays sometimes, but still manage to get up in time for work, I always say that I'm just taking advantage of the time I have in my hands.

I've been exposed to the reality that we really are only young once so we must enjoy our youth. My brother and cousin passed away way before they were supposed to, but in hindsight, they did enjoy their lives.  I wouldn't say fully, but they surely maxed out their time on earth doing the things that made them happy.  Their lives may be short-lived but they were well-lived. I can't imagine leaving this earth without having experienced the stuff I'm going through now.

I am making the most out of my life one day at a time. I don't want to be the kind of person who grows old someday wishing she did this and that. I want to be able to tell my grandchildren about the experiences I had, the things I tried and the lessons I learned.  Pretty much like how our parents are guiding us now.

I used to feel frustrated that I'm single when some of my friends were already starting to be in relationships -- but really, that's what highschool and college do to you if you're not in the flow. It makes you feel some sort of left out, when in reality, it really doesn't matter.  I realize I'm okay and I seem to be enjoying my life even without a constant companion (yet). That, or I've gotten used to it, but either way, I don't feel any less or even feel like I'm missing out on something.

Honestly, if I may say so, while some friends are already getting married, I'm not even convinced about marriage yet. I don't see myself being a homemaker yet, who needs to go home after work to attend to the children and prepare the food. Homework? Google it, kids! Food? Call for delivery!

Of course I understand that's naturally the next phase (eek) but until I get to that stage, I'll enjoy as much as I can.  I want to be able to do everything while I can do them appropriately and avoid being a 50 year-old lady doing sex shooters at Summer Place and dancing wildly as Lady Gaga plays in the background.

But the way I see it, I don't think I'll ever get old. I mean, appearance-wise, yes, I'm going to look older someday, but in spirit -- I don't think so. I don't see it. I can hang with the young ones and engage them in a real conversation about cartoons or the bestselling fictional books of the moment as much as I can talk to the senior ones about current affairs or what not. Then there are people my age and those slightly below or above my age -- I don't have trouble relating to them at all. AGE is really just a number.

We should always be young and wild and free. Appropriately.


..........

How does an old computer feel like?

If multiple windows are open all the time.

If the user persistently presses the buttons.

If it's overloaded and only little of its memory is available.

If it never shuts down.


It gets tired. It hangs. It will not respond. After a few minutes, you're lucky if it responds. Sometimes it just freezes. And crashes.

If you don't back up, you will lose everything.

Back up, because you will eventually have to replace it.

Some things are just not meant for some people.

I initially thought that the Foo Fighters cancelling their Singapore show merited its own rant post. We've waited for weeks. We've made arrangements and all that was left to do was get to the airport and leave. Exactly a week before the concert, we heard news of the cancellation while chilling AT THE BEACH. Long story short, concert tickets were fully refundable but plane tickets were non-refundable. I was heartbroken and disappointed, but I knew that nobody wanted this, even the Foos, and no matter what I say, the bottomline is that the show was cancelled, we cannot refund what was lost on airfare and I couldn't fault Dave Grohl and the guys for depriving me of a rock and roll start to my birthday month.

Half-a-week later and the Bar results came out. For the second time, a friend did not make it. Now we're taking about her future, making a career-shift and life-changing decisions. She invested not just funds but also time in trying to fulfill her dream of practicing law in the Philippines. I will never know how it feels to not have passed the Bar, but I see the pain and I can't do anything to rectify that.  All we can really do is try to help her make the best decisions and support her with whatever she decides on. And pay for her beer while she doesn't have work yet.


The cancelled concert and the bar exams are obviously not at the same level, but I believe there's always a reason why some of the things we want are not given to us. I don't really care about the Foo Fighters anymore. I've gotten past that. It didn't affect my life in any major way. The Bar, on the otherhand, is the game changer and I can't wait to see how my friend's life makes a turn for the better. We're all rooting for her.