It's true what they say: you'll find out who your real friends are in times of need. I am grateful to be surrounded by a bunch of people who genuinely love and care for me as I grieve the passing away of my mother. These are the people who rushed to my side on the first night of my mother's death even when I told them I'll be fine. These are the people who, without thinking twice, took a 45-minute joyride from the north to have coffee with me at 10 pm on the first night after the burial because they know that's when I'm going to start feeling the brunt. They know me too well. They know me well enough to know that the thought of them nearby would be enough to comfort me.
These are the people who went out of their way to be with me even if I wasn't asking for anything. Even if I couldn't sit with them at the wake, they would be there each night, for 2-4 hours to show support. These are the people who thought less of what a hassle it would be for them to make an extra effort for me. I feel so loved. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Lord, for these people.
On the other hand, there were also some people who I thought would be at my side through most of the ordeal but were not. I had a wrong impression of my value to them. It manifested in the things they said and did and didn't do. The sad thing is, I make an extra effort for these people. I go to them, even if it means driving far away from the south, because I know that they'd need someone to hang with. Someone to be there for them no matter how trivial the conversations turn out. One of them even pointed out that he/she will go if there's beer... Or if there's a new restaurant to try, just to make the trip down south worth it. Really? I'm not needy. This is a rare period in my life and one of the few times when I also want it to be about me, and not just the beer.
You see giant proclamations are all very well, but love and true friendship are louder than words. In my world, expensive, material things easily get trumped by the simple gesture of just. being. here.
And I'm grateful to know how much I matter to most of the people who matter to me.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Only the Dead Have Seen the End of War
Three nights ago, we laid our mother to rest. There is pain, grief and sadness but at the same time, there is that sense of relief and liberation. Finally, my mom's six-year battle with a terminal illness is over.
It was painfully long and excruciating. There were so many harrowing nights of uncertainty and helplessness, but we were never hopeless for we knew that our mother would never give up without a fight. Before her last hours on earth, our mother faced death five times throughout the six-year ordeal and each time, she emerged triumphant. Wounded and scathed but nonetheless alive.
Mom fought so hard and we knew it was because of us. We knew she wanted to rest. She was going through so much pain that she wanted to die but her resilience betrayed her. It even got to a point that she was apologetic - sorry that she may not survive the next time her heart stopped beating or lungs got congested. But she never gave up until the end.
I couldn't begin to express how I really feel. There's a deep sense of loss, a void that will never be filled. Our home will never be the same. Our family will never be the same. Life will never be the same without mom. But I am comforted by the thought that she is free from pain. It's over. And I'm just grateful for the time we spent with mom. Grateful that she prepared us all for this moment. Grateful that she left us in peace. There's no unfinished business. True to her character, my mom had it all sorted out.
I was able to say sorry for all my misgivings as a daughter. That I will miss her and everything she does for us. That I love her for all her imperfections - for all that she is and for all that she isn't. I couldn't have had a better mom.
I'm grateful for having spent almost thirty years with you, Mom. I am what I am because of you and daddy. When you passed away, you took a part of me with you, but you also left a part of you with me.
It's over, Mommy. You can rest now. It's going to be tough, but we will be ok.
I love you.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
It was painfully long and excruciating. There were so many harrowing nights of uncertainty and helplessness, but we were never hopeless for we knew that our mother would never give up without a fight. Before her last hours on earth, our mother faced death five times throughout the six-year ordeal and each time, she emerged triumphant. Wounded and scathed but nonetheless alive.
Mom fought so hard and we knew it was because of us. We knew she wanted to rest. She was going through so much pain that she wanted to die but her resilience betrayed her. It even got to a point that she was apologetic - sorry that she may not survive the next time her heart stopped beating or lungs got congested. But she never gave up until the end.
I couldn't begin to express how I really feel. There's a deep sense of loss, a void that will never be filled. Our home will never be the same. Our family will never be the same. Life will never be the same without mom. But I am comforted by the thought that she is free from pain. It's over. And I'm just grateful for the time we spent with mom. Grateful that she prepared us all for this moment. Grateful that she left us in peace. There's no unfinished business. True to her character, my mom had it all sorted out.
I was able to say sorry for all my misgivings as a daughter. That I will miss her and everything she does for us. That I love her for all her imperfections - for all that she is and for all that she isn't. I couldn't have had a better mom.
I'm grateful for having spent almost thirty years with you, Mom. I am what I am because of you and daddy. When you passed away, you took a part of me with you, but you also left a part of you with me.
It's over, Mommy. You can rest now. It's going to be tough, but we will be ok.
I love you.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Friday, February 08, 2013
Checking In
It's been four months since I last posted?! Sorry for neglecting you, blog, but I've been too busy doing all sorts of stuff. Plus, I went to the beach often last year so that was good enough as a form of release.
And it's been 2 months since I last saw sand and sea. Needing the beach again, but for the meantime, I'll write.
But I'll get back to you later.
And it's been 2 months since I last saw sand and sea. Needing the beach again, but for the meantime, I'll write.
But I'll get back to you later.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
On Resignations
I feel sad everytime good hires decide to leave the company. More than anything, we invest time in making better corporate individuals out of them and the worst thing is that they often give up even before we're halfway there. There's a lot of potential in most of them and it saddens me that they allow themselves to be swayed by how they feel, mistaking it for a logical process.
If there's one thing I've realized all these years, it's that it's easy to give up just because we think we're not headed where we're supposed to go or because what's happening is not according to our ideals. Ideals are precisely that-- ideals. Everyday, we have to work towards our goals and sometimes we turn out as planned and oftentimes, we don't.
That's life. Deal with it.
Guess what I really resent is that good hires leaving is a set back to me. I need an heir to my humble throne and I won't get to complete my mission of finding that person if my potential heirs leave before they even prove they're worthy.
If there's one thing I've realized all these years, it's that it's easy to give up just because we think we're not headed where we're supposed to go or because what's happening is not according to our ideals. Ideals are precisely that-- ideals. Everyday, we have to work towards our goals and sometimes we turn out as planned and oftentimes, we don't.
That's life. Deal with it.
Guess what I really resent is that good hires leaving is a set back to me. I need an heir to my humble throne and I won't get to complete my mission of finding that person if my potential heirs leave before they even prove they're worthy.
Friday, October 05, 2012
Day 8: Hong Kong
Day 8: A place you've traveled to
When people tell me they're going out of the country for the first time, I get really excited for them, especially kids, because I'm reminded of how cool it was back then.
(Note: I'm continuing the 30-day blogger challenge which I started in August 2011. Obviously I wasn't successful then. Let's see now!)
Hong Kong is memorable to me because it's the first country I traveled to outside of the Philippines. Even though I was only about 10 years old then, I still remember the feeling of seeing a whole new country for the first time. Different people, different languages, different way of life. It was all fascinating to me. After quite a long time of trying to explain myself to the people I talk to, I remember the joy I felt when someone approached me and spoke to me in Tagalog. I didn't realize that there were a lot of Filipinos there, but somehow it was nice to know there were others like us. I was eager to see the similarities and took notice of even the little things. It was my first time to see a place outside of the Philippines and I instantly recognized how much more progressive they were. I think I rode the MTR before I've even tried the LRT!
The entire experience was memorable from applying for a passport and getting the worst headshot taken just outside of the DFA premises, getting on a plane and landing in a different country to arriving back in the Philippines with tons of memories and stories to share.
When people tell me they're going out of the country for the first time, I get really excited for them, especially kids, because I'm reminded of how cool it was back then.
Fast forward to 19 years later and I've already gone to a lot of other countries after that trip to Hong Kong. The farthest ones I got to visit through work and one of the 'firsts' that I enjoyed was traveling alone. First I traveled back from the US to Manila alone and I was so paranoid about missing connecting flights! And then I was sent to UK on official business -- that was excitement on a much, much higher level. I was alone in a country far, far away, and I survived and made the most out of it.
Weird, but to be in Boracay alone is also in my bucket list. It would've been the easiest to do, but what's stopping me is the thought of the nights. The days I'll survive alone. All I do is hang at the beach anyway. The nights, though, I need to drink and drinking ain't fun alone. Soooo.
The end!
>>>>>>>>>>
Thursday, October 04, 2012
Day 7: No, we can't talk about it.
Day 7: Favorite Movies
(Note: Because I feel like it, I'm continuing the 30-day blogger challenge I started in August 2011. Here's my second attempt at finishing it!)
10. Wicker Park
Precisely for THIS moment.
9. City of Angels
I cried my eyes out for this movie. In this particular scene, I totally understand the longing that Seth feels and how difficult it is to lose a loved one, like I'd be willing to trade anything for five minutes with my brother again.
8. Phonebooth
This one I love just for the sheer creativity of it. I was watching it in awe at how cost-efficient this must be, not to mention the superb scriptwriting.
7. Devil's Advocate
"Let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He's a prankster. Think about it. He gives man instincts. He gives you this extraordinary gift, and then what does He do, I swear for His own amusement, his own private, cosmic gag reel, He sets the rules in opposition. It's the goof of all time. Look but don't touch. Touch, but don't taste. Taste, don't swallow. Ahaha. And while you're jumpin' from one foot to the next, what is he doing? He's laughin' His sick, fuckin' ass off! He's a tight-ass! He's a SADIST! He's an absentee landlord! Worship that? NEVER!"
6. Meet Joe Black
5. Before Sunrise / Before Sunset
5. 500 Days of Summer
This is a love story that ends realistically. They didn't end up together. This scene is the most heartbreaking of all.
Deconstruction 101
-----------------------------------
Tom: You never wanted to be anybody’s girlfriend and now you’re somebody’s wife.
Summer: That surprised me too.
Tom: I don’t think I’ll ever understand that… I mean it doesn’t make sense.
Summer: It just happened.
Tom: Right… but that, that’s what i don’t understand. what just happened?
Summer: I just, I just woke up one day and I knew.
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.
Tom: You know what sucks? That everything you believe in is complete and utter bullshit. It sucks. You know, destiny, soul mates, true love and all that childhood fairytale, none sense. You were right. I should have listened to you.
Summer: I guess it's coz I was sitting in a deli and reading Dorian Grey and a guy comes up to me and asks me about it. And now he is my husband. So what if I've gone to the movies? What if I had gone somewhere else for lunch? What if I'd gotten there ten minutes later? It was meant to be and I just kept thinking. Tom was right.
4. Any Given Sunday
One of the best inspirational moments ever.
3. Love Actually
Sweet. This movie is pure love. So many characters whose lives, for some reason, are intertwined. This particular scene is romantic but not cheesy. It's so genuine that if it happened to me, di ko siya tutuksuhing baduy!
2. Almost Famous
Everyone dreams of that rockstar moment. For those who are not in the scene, we've always wondered what it's like to be in it. That sense of being brought together by music, sharing the same passion, loving what you do and the shit that goes with it.
Before this scene, there was conflict among everyone in that bus. There were so many issues that have not been resolved and ill-feelings harbored towards one another. They're a tight group, but it was falling apart. Then the song came on, and without dialogue, we see everyone coming together again.
Don't we all have that moment when we come into conflict with the people we care about, like the "I so hate you right now" feeling? No matter how big our issues are, our love and affection for those people will never go away. We go through rough patches, but there comes a moment when apologies need not even be said. It can be a joke that everyone can't help but laugh at, or a song that you all just can't help but sing along to. In that moment, it's all understood and we are okay :)
This will go down as one of the best sing-along scenes ever.
1. Fight Club
Here's one of the best dialogues --- in kinetic typography.
(Note: Because I feel like it, I'm continuing the 30-day blogger challenge I started in August 2011. Here's my second attempt at finishing it!)
Most of the greatest movies have a killer soundtrack and with my being a music junkie, it's just natural that I'm drawn to perfectly crafted moments that months or years later, I sometimes can't remember the whole point of the movie anymore, but I'll always remember the scene.
10. Wicker Park
Precisely for THIS moment.
9. City of Angels
I cried my eyes out for this movie. In this particular scene, I totally understand the longing that Seth feels and how difficult it is to lose a loved one, like I'd be willing to trade anything for five minutes with my brother again.
8. Phonebooth
This one I love just for the sheer creativity of it. I was watching it in awe at how cost-efficient this must be, not to mention the superb scriptwriting.
7. Devil's Advocate
"Let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He's a prankster. Think about it. He gives man instincts. He gives you this extraordinary gift, and then what does He do, I swear for His own amusement, his own private, cosmic gag reel, He sets the rules in opposition. It's the goof of all time. Look but don't touch. Touch, but don't taste. Taste, don't swallow. Ahaha. And while you're jumpin' from one foot to the next, what is he doing? He's laughin' His sick, fuckin' ass off! He's a tight-ass! He's a SADIST! He's an absentee landlord! Worship that? NEVER!"
6. Meet Joe Black
It's not in the trailer, but here's one nice quote from the movie:
"Find someone you can love like crazy and who will love you the same way back. How do you find him? Well, you forget your head, and you listen to your heart. And I'm not hearing any heart. Cause the truth is, honey, there's no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well, you haven't lived a life at all. But you have to try, cause if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."
5. Before Sunrise / Before Sunset
Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy's chemistry is undeniable. I know most people who got bored with this movie because it was all talk and not much action, but I'm such a sucker for good conversations. While watching the movie, I felt like I was with them. It's one of those 'fate brought us together' types, but here you can really feel the characters connecting. And the endings are almost always open-ended -- leaves us to create our own.
"What if you had a second chance with the one that got away?"
5. 500 Days of Summer
This is a love story that ends realistically. They didn't end up together. This scene is the most heartbreaking of all.
Deconstruction 101
-----------------------------------
Tom: You never wanted to be anybody’s girlfriend and now you’re somebody’s wife.
Summer: That surprised me too.
Tom: I don’t think I’ll ever understand that… I mean it doesn’t make sense.
Summer: It just happened.
Tom: Right… but that, that’s what i don’t understand. what just happened?
Summer: I just, I just woke up one day and I knew.
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.
Tom: You know what sucks? That everything you believe in is complete and utter bullshit. It sucks. You know, destiny, soul mates, true love and all that childhood fairytale, none sense. You were right. I should have listened to you.
Summer: I guess it's coz I was sitting in a deli and reading Dorian Grey and a guy comes up to me and asks me about it. And now he is my husband. So what if I've gone to the movies? What if I had gone somewhere else for lunch? What if I'd gotten there ten minutes later? It was meant to be and I just kept thinking. Tom was right.
4. Any Given Sunday
One of the best inspirational moments ever.
3. Love Actually
Sweet. This movie is pure love. So many characters whose lives, for some reason, are intertwined. This particular scene is romantic but not cheesy. It's so genuine that if it happened to me, di ko siya tutuksuhing baduy!
2. Almost Famous
Everyone dreams of that rockstar moment. For those who are not in the scene, we've always wondered what it's like to be in it. That sense of being brought together by music, sharing the same passion, loving what you do and the shit that goes with it.
Before this scene, there was conflict among everyone in that bus. There were so many issues that have not been resolved and ill-feelings harbored towards one another. They're a tight group, but it was falling apart. Then the song came on, and without dialogue, we see everyone coming together again.
Don't we all have that moment when we come into conflict with the people we care about, like the "I so hate you right now" feeling? No matter how big our issues are, our love and affection for those people will never go away. We go through rough patches, but there comes a moment when apologies need not even be said. It can be a joke that everyone can't help but laugh at, or a song that you all just can't help but sing along to. In that moment, it's all understood and we are okay :)
This will go down as one of the best sing-along scenes ever.
1. Fight Club
Nobody does mindfuck as well as Chuck Pahlaniuk does. Add David Fincher's filmmaking prowess and we get a fucking good film which I saw over and over and over again.
Here's one of the best dialogues --- in kinetic typography.
It's the greatest moment of your life, man, and you're out somewhere miserable!
------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday, October 03, 2012
Day 6: (Drunk) Plants vs Zombies
Day 6: A picture of something that makes you happy
(Note: Because I feel like it, I'm continuing the 30-day blogger challenge I started in August 2011. Here's my second attempt at finishing it!)
This photo never gets old! Can't help but laugh whenever I remember this one Christmas get-together when all of us got hammered silly and started doing crazy weird stuff. Trigger-happy me just started snapping away and it was only the morning after when I got to see what kind of shots I took.
One of my friends was sitting on the cooler, Indian style, staring at the sky while sucking a straw in her mouth. One was beside a tree doing the Beyonce booty shake with white shutter shades on... And then this!!! They're seriously role-playing I guess. What you don't see in the picture is one of our guy friends crouched on te floor, carrying the flower pot on which this plant was on to make sure that the pea shooter always had the paso with her wherever she goes. Mwahahaha ha shucks. People our age aren't supposed to play like this anymore!
Notice my friend who has the purple stocking on her face with matching facial expression! And the zombie is looking at the camera, bet she's smiling underneath - that or she's giving us the scary face. We wouldn't know!
>>>>>>>>>>
(Note: Because I feel like it, I'm continuing the 30-day blogger challenge I started in August 2011. Here's my second attempt at finishing it!)
This photo never gets old! Can't help but laugh whenever I remember this one Christmas get-together when all of us got hammered silly and started doing crazy weird stuff. Trigger-happy me just started snapping away and it was only the morning after when I got to see what kind of shots I took.
One of my friends was sitting on the cooler, Indian style, staring at the sky while sucking a straw in her mouth. One was beside a tree doing the Beyonce booty shake with white shutter shades on... And then this!!! They're seriously role-playing I guess. What you don't see in the picture is one of our guy friends crouched on te floor, carrying the flower pot on which this plant was on to make sure that the pea shooter always had the paso with her wherever she goes. Mwahahaha ha shucks. People our age aren't supposed to play like this anymore!
Notice my friend who has the purple stocking on her face with matching facial expression! And the zombie is looking at the camera, bet she's smiling underneath - that or she's giving us the scary face. We wouldn't know!
>>>>>>>>>>
Tuesday, October 02, 2012
███ ███ ████████ █████ ███ █████ ███.[ʙʟᴏᴄᴋᴇᴅ.] (ʀᴀ ɴᴏ. 10175)
This Cybercrime Prevention Law is just too ridiculous not to write about. If it were to take effect in its present version, consider this an attempt at increasing my years in prison for all the libelous things I said about no one you could identify all over social media.
Good thing my posts have always been vague. You won't know for sure that it's you I'm talking about in those rant posts unless you get to walk inside my head. And if you have a strong feeling it's you, I can't blame you and you can't blame me for harboring those thoughts about you. And I'm not naming anyone here except for the stupid government who even allowed this to progress in such a state.
What the hell is wrong with you?! To think that the person who added the libel clause plagiarized a blog (read: STOLE) which was why he was subjected to such intense cyberbullying in the first place. And then the person who signed it claims he reviewed it thoroughly. Either he was lying to cover up his complacency or he's also that stupid to even be able to discern what those clauses really mean.
Are we to blame if we don't take well to stupidity?
Are we to blame if we don't take well to stupidity?
The Cybercrime Law is just so stupid I wonder if those who wrote and signed it even know how social media really works. I can go on and write about this all night but I'll be in super deep shit by then.
███ ███ ████████ █████ ███.[ʙʟᴏᴄᴋᴇᴅ.] (ʀᴀ ɴᴏ. 10175)
>>>
Day 5: "My body feels young but my mind is very old."
Day 5: A song to match your mood
(Note: Because I feel like it, I'm
continuing the 30-day blogger challenge I started in August 2011. Here's my
second attempt at finishing it!)
One day, I'm gonna leave this planet
You know I'd stay but I just can't stand it and
I can feel the warning signs running around my mind
One day, I'm gonna leave my spirit
I'll find me a hole and I will live in it and
I can feel the warning signs running around my mind
Half the World Away, Oasis
Hmmm. I haven't been in the best mood lately. I can be my usual happy self on the exterior and that's because I really don't want to pull anyone down with me. I try to sort things out by myself with the help of some friends who would lend their ears and listen to what I have to say.
I'm actually not sure about what it is that weighs me down, I just know there's something. I've been needing more trips to the beach lately. I just want to be near the water so I can smell the sea, breathe fresh hair, look at the sky and get some peace and calm. It also helps that I'm surrounded by friends. When we're talking silly and laughing our hearts out, I feel great. When we talk serious and they listen to me, I feel genuine concern.
Of course, those trips eventually end and we get sucked again into the monotony that is everyday life. Then we go live on the surface and try really hard to trick our minds and look okay. There are times when we forget, but when we remember, it kind of feels twice heavy. Then there are people you hang with, who call themselves your "friend/s", who expect you to listen to them but not listen to you. It's okay because when I call myself a friend, I listen.
THEN AGAIN, it could be my hormones writing.
THEN AGAIN, it could be my hormones writing.
I think this song comes pretty close to articulating my mood. The lyrics are quite self-explanatory.
>>>>>>>>>
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)