"I don't know"

Days like this, I ask myself --- why do I have to endure this? To what end? I'm just really, really tired. Not physically tired, but spiritually and emotionally tired. And I'm really, really thinking of taking my dad's offer to have me rest for a few months and study something, anything that I want to learn. I think I need it for my sanity.

I looked up burnout online, and I do have half of the tell-tale signs. Fuck that.


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They make it sound so simple.

"Love what you do and it will love you back."

Then how come I'm freaking miserable?

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It's true what they say: just when you think you're fine, it just hits you. Again.

Since I have not blogged for quite some time, I re-read some of my posts again and came across one about mom. Couldn't help but cry, loads, at the thought of happier days, of never getting to hear her voice again or see her gestures of approval or that half smile that tells me everything will be ok.

I would give anything for just one hug. Just one more hug.

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Saw Cinderella in a Party Dress but She was Looking for a Nightgown

 

 

And the decades disappear like sinking ships, but we persevere

God gives us hope but we still fear what we don't know

 

The mind is poison
Castles in the sky sit stranded, vandalized
A drawbridge is closin'

 

- A Dustland Fairytale

 

Funny how music can express the feelings we're unable to articulate. Sometimes I feel like I've hit a wall with nowhere to go. Alcohol does not do its job like it used to. I go to work in high spirits, pumped after a vacation, a dose of good news, cyber laughter with friends or just plain self-motivation, but lately the work day ends with me feeling like crying and just defeated. No matter what I do, I can't seem to get out of the slump. And it sucks because I do not only fail in managing people, I also fail in managing myself.

It's when you know you try but you feel like crap. I don't want people to listen to my drama or see my tears and I hope they don't come across this blog (the world is really so digital I can't help but blog instead of write in a diary or something. That's just so outdated).

People like me do not know how to cope with failure. We hold ourselves in high regard that we cannot accept that we fail. That we have to fail and that success is hard work coupled with failure.

The signs are all around. Glaring, even. I want to let go of the baggage and start with a clean slate, and by clean slate, I mean brand new. Like, I don't want a fabulous update to my phone's OS. I want a new phone with nothing in it, where I'll install new apps and store new numbers, make new conversations and playlists. I think I'm tired of this one for so many reasons I can't even zero in on one.

I'm tired of going home feeling like crap or needing a vacation right after getting back from one. My glass is full and overflowing and the floor is flooded.

HASHTAG EMO.


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