Friday, June 10, 2011

I know that there's a world out there that functions without regard to me.

Just when I thought I had everything down pat, I find myself in the very situation I've been trying so hard to avoid.  I have to admit I was better off thinking to myself because then, the defenses were stronger. I held my ground in my own stubborn way. The moment other people were in on it was the moment I let my guard down, which brought me... here.

I've thought about this before - I know the pros and I know the cons. It's not worth the risk of addressing the issue or whateverthefuckitis knowing that it's lopsided, or worse, that there really may not be another side to it. Everything could probably be in my head.  The worse thing about this is paranoia because there's now a certain level of consciousness about EVERYTHING.

And this failure to see things as they really are is a hindrance for people to function like their usual selves.  It's a pain to have all these thoughts at the back of your head all the friggin' time. This quote couldn't be any more true now: No one can beat you up as much as you beat yourself up in your own mind.

There's a very thin line between fantasy and reality. You can always try to convince yourself to believe otherwise, but you can't prevent yourself from feeling something, even if you don't like to feel that way. And you just don't mess with feelings because regardless if these feelings are good or bad, you can never say it's wrong to feel something. You feel it because you feel it. It's there.  And you can't really expect people to take your feelings in consideration all the time because, in reality, they have their own to protect.

The key thing here is self-preservation. We have to be responsible for ourselves. There will always be people around to cause hurt knowingly and unknowingly, but the important thing is to know how to deal.