Manual Transmission

Mentoring is harder than I thought. On one hand, there is that desire to see an individual come out from under your shadow, take flight, flourish and soar. On the other hand is the process which an individual has to go through with a mentor in preparation for that flight.

I'm not the confrontational type. I've always thought that it's such a waste to be pouring out all of my energy into a negative issue.  Why should I stress myself out, right? I'd rather give the cold shoulder than explain myself.  I don't like dealing with issues, much less getting caught in them. I couldn't care less about local show business or even Hollywood. I'm only interested in some of the details so that I'm in the know, but I don't really give a damn who impregnated who. In real life, I'll be most likely inclined to just give you what you want in order for you to just shut up.  I'm guilty of bribing traffic enforcers sometimes just so I won't go through the hassle of having to claim my driver's license after I inadvertently violated a rule.  But then I realized, that doesn't work for people who look up to you as a mentor.  More so at work.  We can't just let things slide.  They might not even realize it, but they kind of expect you to steer them to the right direction. That I can do. I have seven years worth of experience and wisdom that I can share.  But along with this mentoring chore comes dealing with issues.

I have to admit that I probably don't handle issues well. Maybe I don't have it in me yet.  And in this hesitation to deal with issues, I've probably, unwittingly influenced a culture that permits mediocrity. Where puedeng puede na. Puedeng di bale na. Puede yung "hindi ko kaya" at "ewan ko", which is sad for an institution that is known for its excellence. Many people do not know what happens behind-the-scenes of every successful project, or even a well-written press release. I really miss the days when everyone worked together seamlessly. That gelling together that I've always described as a flawless pit stop - everyone knew what to do and everyone did what they did well. No need to tell each other what to do. We just knew.

From an almost futuristic autopilot system, I'm now on manual transmission. If I didn't know how to operate the clutch-brake-gear-gas, the engine dies, the car will stop... and if I didn't know the clutch-brake balance, I'm going to find myself rolling down in reverse should I encounter traffic at the skyway on-ramp.

The next time I wake up, it'll be Monday and we'll be starting a brand new week at work.  Here we go.

What are We Supposed to Do Anyway?

Life. It's one of those existentialist conversations that we in the twentysomethings almost always find ourselves in, but never really get close to getting a satisfying answer.  More often than not, topics like this are only meant to be discussed, argued about, dissected and what not, but never really resolved.  At 28, I'm wondering if I'm really living my life for what it's worth. Am I really making the most out of it? Is this what it is? Or am I sitting here wasting time when I could be doing something more? Am I wasting time or maximizing it?

Time. Ten years later, will I tell myself that I shouldn't have wasted time and should've done something more or will I get to say that whatever it is that I achieve in ten years was worth the wait and that I was right about patiently going through life?

Change. My fear is that one day, I'll realize that I'm living life a little too cautiously in that I can't seem to leave my comfort zones, whatever they are, and when I'm finally ready to take risks, the moment has passed me by. I'm not afraid of change, but at the same time, I seem to be too lazy to instigate change. Why fix what's not broken, right?  That's not to say anything needs changing, though. I'm just saying that I might be too fixated looking at the details that I might be missing the big picture.

Now. I've always said that my mantra is to live in the now, make the most of the present, and worry about the future only a little bit, not a lot. Lately, I realize that living in the now is the mantra of the early to mid twenty somethings.  In the late 20s and early 30s, people start thinking seriously about life direction along with the maturing of the wardrobe.  I wonder if when I'm 35, will it still be cool for me to say, like, "Yeah, you know, I'm happy! I go with the flow, wherever life takes me. I don't know where I'll be tomorrow, but I'm there for sure!".  Wouldn't it be funny for a 35-year old to not have the least bit disposition in life? Even rockstars take life-changing turns when they're 35.  That is if they're lucky enough to live beyond their 20s.

Random. This is probably me thinking too much again, but these random moments of rumination are hard to avoid. I have them all the friggin' time.  I think it's a healthy exercise, though, to be thinking about the future while dealing with the present, but of course without forgetting the past.

And so, I shall stay put and try to milk life for what it's worth. It's not like I'll open my eyes to a new morning tomorrow and tell myself, "So today I'm going to change the world." Che. That only happens in movies. I'll deal with things as they come. I can look at it as plain laziness to instigate change, the lack of hunger to do more and change the world.  Or I can look at it as confidence, bravery and awesomeness -- that self-assured way of knowing that I hold my life in my hands and I can turn it into anything I want it to be.

After all, isn't everything just a matter of perspective?

...

Verdict: STILL inconclusive.

Come Together, Right Now.

Someone tweeted that if you find yourself still awake at 2:00 a.m. with nothing to do, chances are you'll be contemplating life and the drama begins. Well, guess it depends on the time of the month. Last week was really tough in terms of battling the hormonal shiz. The worst part is willing yourself to get in a good mood when you're really not. It just gets to you sometimes in varying degrees. I reread what I posted last week and realized that I'm not in the same position anymore. In an instant, things have changed and I didn't even notice. I'm not in a rut or in a funk. I can't say I'm happy because I'm not sure, but I seem to be okay.

It's bad enough that women have to bleed regularly, but was it really necessary to correlate it to drama-inducing hormones? I hate the feeling when I'm irritable or annoyed, and for some reason, I always zero in on just one person for the day and the selection is random.  I observed that I react to hormonal imbalance in two ways: either I get really, really irritable (like I'm-not-typing-your-name-but-this-tweet-is-definitely-for-you irritated) or feel really, really sad (like I'm-listening-to-sad-songs-on-my-ipod-and-I'm-tweeting-the-lyrics-because-I-hate-my-life depressed).  I don't know which one I like better. The short term solution is to get alcohol in my system. This last statement is a win-win thing. I drink when I'm extremely happy and I drink when I'm extremely sad. I also drink in between the extremes.

uhhh. What is the point of this post... I don't know. I suddenly lost it. I don't know what to write next. Just thought writing here is better than drunk tweeting. I've done drunk tweeting too many times that I find myself feeling embarassed when I wake up the morning after and get to review my tweets. Like.... whut. Whut, I'm like definitely, like, not drunk. Like, I mean, I'm really not. Seriously. I was like. I dunno. Like that. Like.... you know. Like you.

HAHAHAHA. Joke. This is a perfect example why I will never emerge as one of the most followed bloggers ever. I do not make sense especially to the people who do not know me. Hi guys! Greeting you just in case you stumble upon this emotional trash can... but trash cans are meant to be hiddden instead of displayed... so that explains why this is not a public blog. I mean, it is public, but it's not something I promote. Having said that, why am I even blogging to explain myself to... myself?

#nowplaying: BED OF ROSES

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That feeling of Enlightenment

is what I miss right now. That moment when you end a conversation feeling good about yourself. That positive, forward-looking, let's-get-it-on outlook in life. That self-affirmation that yes, this is alright. This is fun. This is happiness. This is life and I love it. I miss that right now. I seriously, seriously miss that. I say "right now" because I do remember feeling that natural high many months ago and it really was a good feeling. The kind of happy feeling that makes you want to skip around instead of walk.

There are just certain times of the year when I can't help but feel a little down. There's no particular period, month or occasion. It just happens that at one point every year, I feel like I'm in a funk and lonely, even in the midst of everyone around me, even when I know that there are a lot of reasons for me to be happy. And I don't get it. Every year, I try to get it but I don't. I am a happy person. I love laughter. I poke fun at myself and other people. Sarcasm has a place in my humor, but it is happy. The laugh-out-loud kind of happy, so it beats me that whenever I have moments like this, I can't seem to come to terms with myself.

The fact that I just came from the cemetery and realized how much I miss my brother isn't helping.  I miss him terribly. It's unimaginable - what I am willing to give for just an hour with him.  If an hour is asking too much, make that five seconds. I just really need a hug.

Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if it would've been easier if I hadn't known what it was like to have a brother because now that he's gone, I keep longing for things that I know I'll never have.  He would have been 41 or 42 years old this year.  I never felt the age gap then, but I recognized the wisdom and sense of security that he gave me.  I was so used to having him around that I never considered the thought of not having him around. And it's so sad.

I hope I get out of this rut soon.  I know I'll eventually snap out of it on my own, but I hope it happens soon. I realize I'm not alone here because I somehow manage to drag people into this negative sphere sometimes, and I apologize to those on whom I vent my ires out. It's just really difficult to put up a face. I'm not a clown.

But hello, blog. Thanks for being here, where it's just you and me. :)