Life. It's one of those existentialist conversations that we in the twentysomethings almost always find ourselves in, but never really get close to getting a satisfying answer. More often than not, topics like this are only meant to be discussed, argued about, dissected and what not, but never really resolved. At 28, I'm wondering if I'm really living my life for what it's worth. Am I really making the most out of it? Is this what it is? Or am I sitting here wasting time when I could be doing something more? Am I wasting time or maximizing it?
Time. Ten years later, will I tell myself that I shouldn't have wasted time and should've done something more or will I get to say that whatever it is that I achieve in ten years was worth the wait and that I was right about patiently going through life?
Change. My fear is that one day, I'll realize that I'm living life a little too cautiously in that I can't seem to leave my comfort zones, whatever they are, and when I'm finally ready to take risks, the moment has passed me by. I'm not afraid of change, but at the same time, I seem to be too lazy to instigate change. Why fix what's not broken, right? That's not to say anything needs changing, though. I'm just saying that I might be too fixated looking at the details that I might be missing the big picture.
Now. I've always said that my mantra is to live in the now, make the most of the present, and worry about the future only a little bit, not a lot. Lately, I realize that living in the now is the mantra of the early to mid twenty somethings. In the late 20s and early 30s, people start thinking seriously about life direction along with the maturing of the wardrobe. I wonder if when I'm 35, will it still be cool for me to say, like, "Yeah, you know, I'm happy! I go with the flow, wherever life takes me. I don't know where I'll be tomorrow, but I'm there for sure!". Wouldn't it be funny for a 35-year old to not have the least bit disposition in life? Even rockstars take life-changing turns when they're 35. That is if they're lucky enough to live beyond their 20s.
Random. This is probably me thinking too much again, but these random moments of rumination are hard to avoid. I have them all the friggin' time. I think it's a healthy exercise, though, to be thinking about the future while dealing with the present, but of course without forgetting the past.
And so, I shall stay put and try to milk life for what it's worth. It's not like I'll open my eyes to a new morning tomorrow and tell myself, "So today I'm going to change the world." Che. That only happens in movies. I'll deal with things as they come. I can look at it as plain laziness to instigate change, the lack of hunger to do more and change the world. Or I can look at it as confidence, bravery and awesomeness -- that self-assured way of knowing that I hold my life in my hands and I can turn it into anything I want it to be.
After all, isn't everything just a matter of perspective?
...
Verdict: STILL inconclusive.
