It's the time of the month...

for sappy love songs. Yes, sappy love songs. It's one of 'em days. I couldn't work without music and I couldn't work with my usual playlist. So today, it has to be sappy. It just has to be. I have to listen to random lyrical depression and stay silent and sullen, taking in the quiet, reflective mood as if the lyrics spoke of my life story. Until I realized, it doesn't. It's quite depressing that I have nothing to be depressed about, so I'm in a funk for the sake of being in a funk, just because the universe calls for it. Nothing is really wrong. Nothing is amiss. It's just the way it is... for the next five to seven days at best. No one is allowed to be giddy happy all the time. There has to be a dip somewhere and this is it.

In between emails and phone calls are my iPod and Twitter. And in between them is blogger as a form of release. I have to qualify that my brand of sappy isn't as sappy as your brand of sappy. I'm not listening to Kenny Loggins or Bread or Martin Nievera. Mawkish music is brought to me by bands like Switchfoot, Aqualung, The Script, One Republic, Daniel Powter, Dashboard Confessional and the like, and they put me in a pensive mood, seriously. Songs like this one, playing on my iPod now:

Dare You To Move

Switchfoot

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here

Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
What happens next?

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift
Yourself up off by the floor

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
The tension is here

Between who you are
And who you could be
Between how it is
And how it should be yeah

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift
Yourself up off by the floor

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go? Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself
To lift yourself up off by the floor

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

I need ANOTHER trip to the beach.


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Hi, 2012!

I realized that I haven't written my yearender for 2011.  And with that realization, I shall take no action! Haha. The questionnaire I usually answer now seems boring to me so I'll probably just summarize it.

2011 was a relatively great year. My social life was busier, and liver more hardworking than ever. I've always said that I might have just a few friends, but the ones I have are all I need. And this still remains true. I've met new people, but I've been closer to my inner circle. My friends have always been there for me through the years, and after more than a decade, I didn't think we could grow closer than we already were.  But in 2011, we did. I think it was a year of strengthening relationships. I bonded with a lot of people and in the process, discovered a lot about myself, too.  In 2011, I've had a lot of realizations and have become more open to things and feelings that I wasn't keen on acknowledging before. I learned how to enjoy moments, live in the present and forget about the future for a while.

There were those nights spent in the company of good friends where we'd get just a little buzzed but nonetheless drunk in good conversation, long talks and endless laughter, some of them ending just before the sun rose. 12 days after we welcomed 2011, I fell on my knees on the streets of Burgos Circle, inebriated and a little bit high, giddy, happy and shameless. I gathered all the confidence in me, stood up, held the hands of my friends, laughed a bit, took a few steps and then fell again. So we repeated the procedure: Gathered confidence, held the hands of friends, laughed a bit... took a few steps, successfully entered the bar, went up the stairs and fell on my knees again. I fell thrice in one night, all those times I got up and laughed. This was pretty much how I dealt with life's blows in 2011: I gave myself a chance to laugh at... myself each time I fell and then I rose from the fall like nothing happened.  Having the ability to laugh at myself eases the blows and in some way provides an outlet for me to acknowledge my misgivings in a way that I'm comfortable with.

I celebrated my 28th birthday in Boracay, my happy place, and it was one of the memorable moments I had in 2011. At the stroke of midnight, I was in the company of good friends having drinks by the beach coupled with an awesome party playlist, walking, dancing and skipping on the shore while I spoke to my family and friends on the phone. I couldn't have done it better. Until now, I smile whenever I remember the good times.

Then there were the epic trips to Batangas and Bacolod with the Barracudas, Cebu, Naga and Singapore for work, weddings, bridal showers, trips to Tagaytay every now and then, Thirstdays (and all the other days), BF Hits, Resorts World, Nuvali, Walking Tours of Manila etc. with the GGirls, Mercato / Banchetto / Foodtown and Soderno nights, the one-on-one nights at Gweilo, Agave, Eastwood, everywhere else (I swear even Tomas Morato AND Strumm's), including of course that Tiendesitas night that started in Hap Chan and ended in Jollibee with my not-so-horrible boss, Breakfast Club mornings, Pilipinas Tara Na shooting nights and day meetings, the food trips after and the great search for balut footage at 4 in the morning, the crazy family gatherings, wine nights, Starbucks nights, movie nights, the concerts (Incubus, Justin Bieber... SIDE A (don't you even!))... so yeah, that's pretty much how I spent my year. Fun, yes?

For the most part, yes, except for a last-minute mom scare which still ended well. 2011 was a pretty good year for me and as with every year that ended and a new one began, I'm thankful for all the people in my life: A wonderful family filled with so much love, laughter, drama and annoyance; a crazy set of friends who always talks sense into me then takes it away; and work, work and more work, including all the people who love me and all the people who hate me at work - the feeling is mutual. I love and hate them, too! :)

Twenty Twelve, just by the way we say it, already sounds so much fun. I heard it's a good year for most of the signs, astrology-wise. May the stars align and make it our best yet.

LET'S DO THIS! :)

>>>>>>>>

"A family that does not give up on each other because love reigns among us."

Today's tears-in-my-eyes moment was brought to me by my Lola. I only knew one grandmother, my dad's mom, since my mother's mother already passed away long before I was born. When Wawa was alive, I was able to express my appreciation to her countless times -- for giving birth to my father, raising him well and teaching him to raise me well, too.  A lot of the things that shaped who I am now was influenced by Wawa and Wowo. Unlike some children who've had broken families, absentee or overprotective parents, my cousins and I were never out of love. We were taught that family was indispensable. It's the only thing constant in the world. This is why I could never understand family feuds, siblings who fight with each other much less kill each other or parents who create factions among their children. What the fuck are they talking about? We were taught that whatever happens, wrong or right, our family will always be behind us.

On the occasion of Wawa's birthday (Jan. 14), one of our aunts posted her speech during her 85th birthday in 2005. I remember that this was the first big event that I hosted. I was 22 years old.  Reading the speech, you will see how Wawa was very much the head of the family that she was. Our guiding strength. I love and I miss you so terribly! :(

Remarks by Ofelia C. Mirasol,  January 14, 2005

Good evening to all of you!

They say that life begins at 40, 50, 60, 70 or 80 but to me life begins at 85. They say that if you have long ears, you will live a long life. They say that the bad grass never die...When I look at the mirror and see my ears, "Oh my God! Will I live long and am I as bad as I am supposed to be?"

But the Lord is in charge because my life was chartered before I was born. Thy will be done Lord! If I still have a mission, I'll take it willingly as I have done your command -- "Go forth and multiply." Thanks to Adam and Eve. When Joe and I started, we had nothing on but ourselves and now we have 7 children, 21 apos and apos sa tuhod and still counting.

Growing older is a beautiful experience. I began to appreciate the value of life, the joy of living. I won't stay long for I am not strong as in my youth, having fun, playing tennis and pelota, bowling, swimming and jogging three kilometers a day. My eyes are getting dimmer, my knees getting weaker. Names and places I can't even remember. It is but natural and rational that everyone must go home soon like a sailor coming home from his journey.

My job is done! These years are bonus years for me. Thank you, Lord, for guiding and protecting me. Healing Marilyn, one of my dauthers from the big C and guiding my grandson Dino.

Great is your mercy, your blessing plenty. I give my thanks to all of you, relatives and friends especially to a very, very good friend so caring and true. To Msgr. Jose for our friendship all these years, a good chaplain to our CFM group and was the moving spirit in the construction of the Divine Mercy Shrine in Mandaluyong.

\

Papa, I know you are with us tonight, against all odds we were able to raise our children well to be the persons they are now, gave them the best education we could have afforded.

To my children who made this affair possible, to my daughters-in-law Jane and Matett, sons-in-law Jun, Willie, Tek and Aaron, I love you all. You have been very good to me. You are my precious possessions... A family that finds its glory not in its perfection but in its ability to weather the storms of life. A family that does not give up on each other because love reigns among us.

Thank you to the singers. They got their talents from their genes. Maybe 10% of it from my father and mother because during their youth, they were very much involved in the zarzuelas. All of these children are members of the choir in the parish of Mandaluyong and in their respective parishes now. Maki took lessons from the Pop Center of the Philippines and Dida from the Yamaha Music School.

Good night everybody, thank you for coming.

Nay to the naysayers. I only have to answer to myself (and my immediate superiors). And I type this with a smile on my face.

I feel the judgment from some people who probably don't think I'm doing my job well. Honestly, I recognize that they have the right to do so. Anyone can judge, complain or criticize when they think that things are in disarray. I just hope they also take time to see beneath the surface and not take everything at face value. I also don't appreciate how one's opinion becomes another's, a sort of collective thinking that they eventually believe to be the truth. I've already said that I'm often not confrontational, and in this instance, I also don't see the necessity of explaining myself and using up all that energy. I acknowledge that I have misgivings from time to time because no one's perfect. But it's not like I party all night and not go to work the next day. I work hard and party hard. Oftentimes, the gigs after work even seem like a reward, like I deserve it, because I worked. So I really don't need to explain myself to any of them. Call me arrogant but there are many ways of fixing things. I'm way younger but I sometimes feel like I'm way older in thinking. THEIR way isn't helping at all. It's not helping improve the organization; it could even be stunting its growth. Unfortunately, we'll have to live with it because it's too late to take it out of the system.

Damned if you and damned if you don't. So the best resort is to keep the peace. WWJD (what would Joy do)? LAUGH. My seven years of passion for excellence is supported by a sense of responsiblity and an even greater sense of humor, without which work becomes an unbearable blackhole that will suck the life out of us and drive us to insanity.

And yes, thank God for Beer.

*Blogging via mobile on my bed in Boracay Beach Club. HELLS YEAH!

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Only losers make decisions when things are bad. The time to rejig your life is the time when it's seemingly smooth.

'Nuff said.

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Manual Transmission

Mentoring is harder than I thought. On one hand, there is that desire to see an individual come out from under your shadow, take flight, flourish and soar. On the other hand is the process which an individual has to go through with a mentor in preparation for that flight.

I'm not the confrontational type. I've always thought that it's such a waste to be pouring out all of my energy into a negative issue.  Why should I stress myself out, right? I'd rather give the cold shoulder than explain myself.  I don't like dealing with issues, much less getting caught in them. I couldn't care less about local show business or even Hollywood. I'm only interested in some of the details so that I'm in the know, but I don't really give a damn who impregnated who. In real life, I'll be most likely inclined to just give you what you want in order for you to just shut up.  I'm guilty of bribing traffic enforcers sometimes just so I won't go through the hassle of having to claim my driver's license after I inadvertently violated a rule.  But then I realized, that doesn't work for people who look up to you as a mentor.  More so at work.  We can't just let things slide.  They might not even realize it, but they kind of expect you to steer them to the right direction. That I can do. I have seven years worth of experience and wisdom that I can share.  But along with this mentoring chore comes dealing with issues.

I have to admit that I probably don't handle issues well. Maybe I don't have it in me yet.  And in this hesitation to deal with issues, I've probably, unwittingly influenced a culture that permits mediocrity. Where puedeng puede na. Puedeng di bale na. Puede yung "hindi ko kaya" at "ewan ko", which is sad for an institution that is known for its excellence. Many people do not know what happens behind-the-scenes of every successful project, or even a well-written press release. I really miss the days when everyone worked together seamlessly. That gelling together that I've always described as a flawless pit stop - everyone knew what to do and everyone did what they did well. No need to tell each other what to do. We just knew.

From an almost futuristic autopilot system, I'm now on manual transmission. If I didn't know how to operate the clutch-brake-gear-gas, the engine dies, the car will stop... and if I didn't know the clutch-brake balance, I'm going to find myself rolling down in reverse should I encounter traffic at the skyway on-ramp.

The next time I wake up, it'll be Monday and we'll be starting a brand new week at work.  Here we go.

What are We Supposed to Do Anyway?

Life. It's one of those existentialist conversations that we in the twentysomethings almost always find ourselves in, but never really get close to getting a satisfying answer.  More often than not, topics like this are only meant to be discussed, argued about, dissected and what not, but never really resolved.  At 28, I'm wondering if I'm really living my life for what it's worth. Am I really making the most out of it? Is this what it is? Or am I sitting here wasting time when I could be doing something more? Am I wasting time or maximizing it?

Time. Ten years later, will I tell myself that I shouldn't have wasted time and should've done something more or will I get to say that whatever it is that I achieve in ten years was worth the wait and that I was right about patiently going through life?

Change. My fear is that one day, I'll realize that I'm living life a little too cautiously in that I can't seem to leave my comfort zones, whatever they are, and when I'm finally ready to take risks, the moment has passed me by. I'm not afraid of change, but at the same time, I seem to be too lazy to instigate change. Why fix what's not broken, right?  That's not to say anything needs changing, though. I'm just saying that I might be too fixated looking at the details that I might be missing the big picture.

Now. I've always said that my mantra is to live in the now, make the most of the present, and worry about the future only a little bit, not a lot. Lately, I realize that living in the now is the mantra of the early to mid twenty somethings.  In the late 20s and early 30s, people start thinking seriously about life direction along with the maturing of the wardrobe.  I wonder if when I'm 35, will it still be cool for me to say, like, "Yeah, you know, I'm happy! I go with the flow, wherever life takes me. I don't know where I'll be tomorrow, but I'm there for sure!".  Wouldn't it be funny for a 35-year old to not have the least bit disposition in life? Even rockstars take life-changing turns when they're 35.  That is if they're lucky enough to live beyond their 20s.

Random. This is probably me thinking too much again, but these random moments of rumination are hard to avoid. I have them all the friggin' time.  I think it's a healthy exercise, though, to be thinking about the future while dealing with the present, but of course without forgetting the past.

And so, I shall stay put and try to milk life for what it's worth. It's not like I'll open my eyes to a new morning tomorrow and tell myself, "So today I'm going to change the world." Che. That only happens in movies. I'll deal with things as they come. I can look at it as plain laziness to instigate change, the lack of hunger to do more and change the world.  Or I can look at it as confidence, bravery and awesomeness -- that self-assured way of knowing that I hold my life in my hands and I can turn it into anything I want it to be.

After all, isn't everything just a matter of perspective?

...

Verdict: STILL inconclusive.

Come Together, Right Now.

Someone tweeted that if you find yourself still awake at 2:00 a.m. with nothing to do, chances are you'll be contemplating life and the drama begins. Well, guess it depends on the time of the month. Last week was really tough in terms of battling the hormonal shiz. The worst part is willing yourself to get in a good mood when you're really not. It just gets to you sometimes in varying degrees. I reread what I posted last week and realized that I'm not in the same position anymore. In an instant, things have changed and I didn't even notice. I'm not in a rut or in a funk. I can't say I'm happy because I'm not sure, but I seem to be okay.

It's bad enough that women have to bleed regularly, but was it really necessary to correlate it to drama-inducing hormones? I hate the feeling when I'm irritable or annoyed, and for some reason, I always zero in on just one person for the day and the selection is random.  I observed that I react to hormonal imbalance in two ways: either I get really, really irritable (like I'm-not-typing-your-name-but-this-tweet-is-definitely-for-you irritated) or feel really, really sad (like I'm-listening-to-sad-songs-on-my-ipod-and-I'm-tweeting-the-lyrics-because-I-hate-my-life depressed).  I don't know which one I like better. The short term solution is to get alcohol in my system. This last statement is a win-win thing. I drink when I'm extremely happy and I drink when I'm extremely sad. I also drink in between the extremes.

uhhh. What is the point of this post... I don't know. I suddenly lost it. I don't know what to write next. Just thought writing here is better than drunk tweeting. I've done drunk tweeting too many times that I find myself feeling embarassed when I wake up the morning after and get to review my tweets. Like.... whut. Whut, I'm like definitely, like, not drunk. Like, I mean, I'm really not. Seriously. I was like. I dunno. Like that. Like.... you know. Like you.

HAHAHAHA. Joke. This is a perfect example why I will never emerge as one of the most followed bloggers ever. I do not make sense especially to the people who do not know me. Hi guys! Greeting you just in case you stumble upon this emotional trash can... but trash cans are meant to be hiddden instead of displayed... so that explains why this is not a public blog. I mean, it is public, but it's not something I promote. Having said that, why am I even blogging to explain myself to... myself?

#nowplaying: BED OF ROSES

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That feeling of Enlightenment

is what I miss right now. That moment when you end a conversation feeling good about yourself. That positive, forward-looking, let's-get-it-on outlook in life. That self-affirmation that yes, this is alright. This is fun. This is happiness. This is life and I love it. I miss that right now. I seriously, seriously miss that. I say "right now" because I do remember feeling that natural high many months ago and it really was a good feeling. The kind of happy feeling that makes you want to skip around instead of walk.

There are just certain times of the year when I can't help but feel a little down. There's no particular period, month or occasion. It just happens that at one point every year, I feel like I'm in a funk and lonely, even in the midst of everyone around me, even when I know that there are a lot of reasons for me to be happy. And I don't get it. Every year, I try to get it but I don't. I am a happy person. I love laughter. I poke fun at myself and other people. Sarcasm has a place in my humor, but it is happy. The laugh-out-loud kind of happy, so it beats me that whenever I have moments like this, I can't seem to come to terms with myself.

The fact that I just came from the cemetery and realized how much I miss my brother isn't helping.  I miss him terribly. It's unimaginable - what I am willing to give for just an hour with him.  If an hour is asking too much, make that five seconds. I just really need a hug.

Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if it would've been easier if I hadn't known what it was like to have a brother because now that he's gone, I keep longing for things that I know I'll never have.  He would have been 41 or 42 years old this year.  I never felt the age gap then, but I recognized the wisdom and sense of security that he gave me.  I was so used to having him around that I never considered the thought of not having him around. And it's so sad.

I hope I get out of this rut soon.  I know I'll eventually snap out of it on my own, but I hope it happens soon. I realize I'm not alone here because I somehow manage to drag people into this negative sphere sometimes, and I apologize to those on whom I vent my ires out. It's just really difficult to put up a face. I'm not a clown.

But hello, blog. Thanks for being here, where it's just you and me. :)

What. the. ?



I'm waiting for my dad to give his siblings his two cents on this, but I know he won't do it on Facebook. I know it works differently with every child, but it's always been about positive reinforcement for my parents. As a kid, I was not disallowed to do anything as long as my grades were good. I can watch TV and play the computer (it was a Family Computer then) as long as I got good grades, and that motivated me to always do well because I didn't want to lose those privileges accorded to me on a weekday, which most kids weren't able to enjoy back then.

It was always sort of a deal with them: you do this for me and you get to do what you want. For the first two years in college, I lived with my Aunt whose house was about 40 minutes away from school. It was still a hassle for me to go back and forth, so on my third year, I asked my parents to put me up in a condo unit infront of Ateneo, along with four of my friends. As most parents, their concern was that I might get distracted and find myself in the wrong crowd and what not.  I convinced them by promising that I'll maintain my grades in school and that's what I did (even better).

I'd always get rewarded for doing well (and perhaps that's why there are times when I still look for that kind of appreciation from other people, which I don't get all the time), but not really get punished for not doing well.  All I ever really got were mockery and teasing (Dad: Math? Only C+ in Math? Grabe kung ako yan, B+ na siguro pinakamababa. Ano ba yan, Math lang! / Kuya: Wag niyo na bigyan ng baon na pera, mahina yan sa Math! parang ako! Padalan ng kanin!). Yuck. Ayoko na magbaon ng kanin, Grade 6 nako! And so I strived to prove them wrong (by winging it. It's not like I'm good in Math now). My parents were very liberated when it came to me that they even took me out to the movies on a Wednesday night, last full show, because Titanic opened, even when I had my final exams the next day.

Anyway, my point is, good gawd why call him out for patting himself on the back... ON FACEBOOK? He's not patting himself on the back, he just thinks he deserves a little fun after his no nonsense accomplishment. If he answered yes to the question about Kumon and homework, then he should be allowed to be on the computer in the middle of the week.  And this is a child who was diagnosed with autism in his early years, which was, thank God, corrected eventually.

.....