Only losers make decisions when things are bad. The time to rejig your life is the time when it's seemingly smooth.

'Nuff said.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Manual Transmission

Mentoring is harder than I thought. On one hand, there is that desire to see an individual come out from under your shadow, take flight, flourish and soar. On the other hand is the process which an individual has to go through with a mentor in preparation for that flight.

I'm not the confrontational type. I've always thought that it's such a waste to be pouring out all of my energy into a negative issue.  Why should I stress myself out, right? I'd rather give the cold shoulder than explain myself.  I don't like dealing with issues, much less getting caught in them. I couldn't care less about local show business or even Hollywood. I'm only interested in some of the details so that I'm in the know, but I don't really give a damn who impregnated who. In real life, I'll be most likely inclined to just give you what you want in order for you to just shut up.  I'm guilty of bribing traffic enforcers sometimes just so I won't go through the hassle of having to claim my driver's license after I inadvertently violated a rule.  But then I realized, that doesn't work for people who look up to you as a mentor.  More so at work.  We can't just let things slide.  They might not even realize it, but they kind of expect you to steer them to the right direction. That I can do. I have seven years worth of experience and wisdom that I can share.  But along with this mentoring chore comes dealing with issues.

I have to admit that I probably don't handle issues well. Maybe I don't have it in me yet.  And in this hesitation to deal with issues, I've probably, unwittingly influenced a culture that permits mediocrity. Where puedeng puede na. Puedeng di bale na. Puede yung "hindi ko kaya" at "ewan ko", which is sad for an institution that is known for its excellence. Many people do not know what happens behind-the-scenes of every successful project, or even a well-written press release. I really miss the days when everyone worked together seamlessly. That gelling together that I've always described as a flawless pit stop - everyone knew what to do and everyone did what they did well. No need to tell each other what to do. We just knew.

From an almost futuristic autopilot system, I'm now on manual transmission. If I didn't know how to operate the clutch-brake-gear-gas, the engine dies, the car will stop... and if I didn't know the clutch-brake balance, I'm going to find myself rolling down in reverse should I encounter traffic at the skyway on-ramp.

The next time I wake up, it'll be Monday and we'll be starting a brand new week at work.  Here we go.

What are We Supposed to Do Anyway?

Life. It's one of those existentialist conversations that we in the twentysomethings almost always find ourselves in, but never really get close to getting a satisfying answer.  More often than not, topics like this are only meant to be discussed, argued about, dissected and what not, but never really resolved.  At 28, I'm wondering if I'm really living my life for what it's worth. Am I really making the most out of it? Is this what it is? Or am I sitting here wasting time when I could be doing something more? Am I wasting time or maximizing it?

Time. Ten years later, will I tell myself that I shouldn't have wasted time and should've done something more or will I get to say that whatever it is that I achieve in ten years was worth the wait and that I was right about patiently going through life?

Change. My fear is that one day, I'll realize that I'm living life a little too cautiously in that I can't seem to leave my comfort zones, whatever they are, and when I'm finally ready to take risks, the moment has passed me by. I'm not afraid of change, but at the same time, I seem to be too lazy to instigate change. Why fix what's not broken, right?  That's not to say anything needs changing, though. I'm just saying that I might be too fixated looking at the details that I might be missing the big picture.

Now. I've always said that my mantra is to live in the now, make the most of the present, and worry about the future only a little bit, not a lot. Lately, I realize that living in the now is the mantra of the early to mid twenty somethings.  In the late 20s and early 30s, people start thinking seriously about life direction along with the maturing of the wardrobe.  I wonder if when I'm 35, will it still be cool for me to say, like, "Yeah, you know, I'm happy! I go with the flow, wherever life takes me. I don't know where I'll be tomorrow, but I'm there for sure!".  Wouldn't it be funny for a 35-year old to not have the least bit disposition in life? Even rockstars take life-changing turns when they're 35.  That is if they're lucky enough to live beyond their 20s.

Random. This is probably me thinking too much again, but these random moments of rumination are hard to avoid. I have them all the friggin' time.  I think it's a healthy exercise, though, to be thinking about the future while dealing with the present, but of course without forgetting the past.

And so, I shall stay put and try to milk life for what it's worth. It's not like I'll open my eyes to a new morning tomorrow and tell myself, "So today I'm going to change the world." Che. That only happens in movies. I'll deal with things as they come. I can look at it as plain laziness to instigate change, the lack of hunger to do more and change the world.  Or I can look at it as confidence, bravery and awesomeness -- that self-assured way of knowing that I hold my life in my hands and I can turn it into anything I want it to be.

After all, isn't everything just a matter of perspective?

...

Verdict: STILL inconclusive.

Come Together, Right Now.

Someone tweeted that if you find yourself still awake at 2:00 a.m. with nothing to do, chances are you'll be contemplating life and the drama begins. Well, guess it depends on the time of the month. Last week was really tough in terms of battling the hormonal shiz. The worst part is willing yourself to get in a good mood when you're really not. It just gets to you sometimes in varying degrees. I reread what I posted last week and realized that I'm not in the same position anymore. In an instant, things have changed and I didn't even notice. I'm not in a rut or in a funk. I can't say I'm happy because I'm not sure, but I seem to be okay.

It's bad enough that women have to bleed regularly, but was it really necessary to correlate it to drama-inducing hormones? I hate the feeling when I'm irritable or annoyed, and for some reason, I always zero in on just one person for the day and the selection is random.  I observed that I react to hormonal imbalance in two ways: either I get really, really irritable (like I'm-not-typing-your-name-but-this-tweet-is-definitely-for-you irritated) or feel really, really sad (like I'm-listening-to-sad-songs-on-my-ipod-and-I'm-tweeting-the-lyrics-because-I-hate-my-life depressed).  I don't know which one I like better. The short term solution is to get alcohol in my system. This last statement is a win-win thing. I drink when I'm extremely happy and I drink when I'm extremely sad. I also drink in between the extremes.

uhhh. What is the point of this post... I don't know. I suddenly lost it. I don't know what to write next. Just thought writing here is better than drunk tweeting. I've done drunk tweeting too many times that I find myself feeling embarassed when I wake up the morning after and get to review my tweets. Like.... whut. Whut, I'm like definitely, like, not drunk. Like, I mean, I'm really not. Seriously. I was like. I dunno. Like that. Like.... you know. Like you.

HAHAHAHA. Joke. This is a perfect example why I will never emerge as one of the most followed bloggers ever. I do not make sense especially to the people who do not know me. Hi guys! Greeting you just in case you stumble upon this emotional trash can... but trash cans are meant to be hiddden instead of displayed... so that explains why this is not a public blog. I mean, it is public, but it's not something I promote. Having said that, why am I even blogging to explain myself to... myself?

#nowplaying: BED OF ROSES

///

That feeling of Enlightenment

is what I miss right now. That moment when you end a conversation feeling good about yourself. That positive, forward-looking, let's-get-it-on outlook in life. That self-affirmation that yes, this is alright. This is fun. This is happiness. This is life and I love it. I miss that right now. I seriously, seriously miss that. I say "right now" because I do remember feeling that natural high many months ago and it really was a good feeling. The kind of happy feeling that makes you want to skip around instead of walk.

There are just certain times of the year when I can't help but feel a little down. There's no particular period, month or occasion. It just happens that at one point every year, I feel like I'm in a funk and lonely, even in the midst of everyone around me, even when I know that there are a lot of reasons for me to be happy. And I don't get it. Every year, I try to get it but I don't. I am a happy person. I love laughter. I poke fun at myself and other people. Sarcasm has a place in my humor, but it is happy. The laugh-out-loud kind of happy, so it beats me that whenever I have moments like this, I can't seem to come to terms with myself.

The fact that I just came from the cemetery and realized how much I miss my brother isn't helping.  I miss him terribly. It's unimaginable - what I am willing to give for just an hour with him.  If an hour is asking too much, make that five seconds. I just really need a hug.

Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if it would've been easier if I hadn't known what it was like to have a brother because now that he's gone, I keep longing for things that I know I'll never have.  He would have been 41 or 42 years old this year.  I never felt the age gap then, but I recognized the wisdom and sense of security that he gave me.  I was so used to having him around that I never considered the thought of not having him around. And it's so sad.

I hope I get out of this rut soon.  I know I'll eventually snap out of it on my own, but I hope it happens soon. I realize I'm not alone here because I somehow manage to drag people into this negative sphere sometimes, and I apologize to those on whom I vent my ires out. It's just really difficult to put up a face. I'm not a clown.

But hello, blog. Thanks for being here, where it's just you and me. :)

What. the. ?



I'm waiting for my dad to give his siblings his two cents on this, but I know he won't do it on Facebook. I know it works differently with every child, but it's always been about positive reinforcement for my parents. As a kid, I was not disallowed to do anything as long as my grades were good. I can watch TV and play the computer (it was a Family Computer then) as long as I got good grades, and that motivated me to always do well because I didn't want to lose those privileges accorded to me on a weekday, which most kids weren't able to enjoy back then.

It was always sort of a deal with them: you do this for me and you get to do what you want. For the first two years in college, I lived with my Aunt whose house was about 40 minutes away from school. It was still a hassle for me to go back and forth, so on my third year, I asked my parents to put me up in a condo unit infront of Ateneo, along with four of my friends. As most parents, their concern was that I might get distracted and find myself in the wrong crowd and what not.  I convinced them by promising that I'll maintain my grades in school and that's what I did (even better).

I'd always get rewarded for doing well (and perhaps that's why there are times when I still look for that kind of appreciation from other people, which I don't get all the time), but not really get punished for not doing well.  All I ever really got were mockery and teasing (Dad: Math? Only C+ in Math? Grabe kung ako yan, B+ na siguro pinakamababa. Ano ba yan, Math lang! / Kuya: Wag niyo na bigyan ng baon na pera, mahina yan sa Math! parang ako! Padalan ng kanin!). Yuck. Ayoko na magbaon ng kanin, Grade 6 nako! And so I strived to prove them wrong (by winging it. It's not like I'm good in Math now). My parents were very liberated when it came to me that they even took me out to the movies on a Wednesday night, last full show, because Titanic opened, even when I had my final exams the next day.

Anyway, my point is, good gawd why call him out for patting himself on the back... ON FACEBOOK? He's not patting himself on the back, he just thinks he deserves a little fun after his no nonsense accomplishment. If he answered yes to the question about Kumon and homework, then he should be allowed to be on the computer in the middle of the week.  And this is a child who was diagnosed with autism in his early years, which was, thank God, corrected eventually.

.....

Blogging Challenge FAIL.

I just can't keep at it.



>>>>

Day 3: Adam and Eve

Day 3: Your first love

For a change, I'm not going to be a smart ass and say that my first love was reading books. No.

The first time I remember feeling for someone else was in grade two. The details aren't all that clear to me anymore, but I remember how it felt being truly attracted to someone for the first time. Those were the days when there's always a smile for no reason, feeling a bit light-headed and wanting to see that person.

Okay, some people say that those movie scenes when two people are suddenly caught in a moment staring at each other is really an exaggeration... Well, not really.

It was for a minor school play. He was Adam and I was Eve. We were practicing our scenes and somewhere along the way, it just happened. I suddenly felt that I had a crush on this boy who played Adam, and I kinda felt that he felt the same because he looked at me like 'that', too, before it became totally awkward. I was suddenly shy around him and all that shiz... GAHD, I think I'm failing this supposed attempt at a romantic blog post. I'm never gonna be the mushy type.

I'm not sure if it was LOVE... we were in second grade! Perhaps it was a semblance of it. My memory is quite good and what I really remember was the feeling of discovering a totally new emotion. In grade two.

I'm still friends with that guy and there are times when I suddenly remember grade two and I'm like... First crush ko yan at first crush niya ko before he began to totally hate me for teasing him to be gay. I had a defense mechanism in place, grade two palang. If you don't want to feel awkward towards another boy, convince yourself that he's gay. BUT that was in Grade Two. And it was FUNNY.

Day 2: ACT LIKE YOU KNOW

Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name

A little backgrounder: I started this blog on a Monday, 21st of March 2005, while waiting for a colleague to finish working so we could head over to Valero for drinks. This was at a time when Facebook and Twitter weren't what they are today. This was also at a time when we started the "Break-the-week" routine on Mondays to cope with workplace stress and all that. And this was at a time when Capones (now Le Bistro Vert) in Valero was one of the places to be in Makati, along with Il Ponticello, the Greenbelt 2 strip (Nuvo, Uva, Mezze, Kai, Pepato, etc.), Tabu and Pinoy Rock joints like 6 Underground, Saguijo and of course, Gweilos.

I remember that as a really hectic day and we were set to unwind that night (yeah, the need to unwind even right after a weekend), when I felt the urge to write about anything but work and created a blog that was originally meant to be a private site (but word got out and I now have 5 readers after 6 years of blogging, plus the occasional lurkers haha).

Anyway, the two first paragraphs are not really necessary for the topic of today's blog challenge.

ACT LIKE YOU KNOW simply means... To act like you know. When I started working, I was such a nene that I thought no one took me seriously. In my Atenean ma-pride way, I admitted that I still lacked experience, but I refused to accept that my insights and recommendations were not good enough to be taken seriously. So my mantra was to "ACT LIKE YOU KNOW", and I found that if I projected myself in a certain way and delivered things with conviction, I kind of earned a higher level of respect than my nene persona inspite of holding an entry level position. I was young but not stupid and I was eager to prove it.

It can actually mean several things. You can "Act Like You Know" in a sense that you want to be believable when you're winging it, or "Act Like You Know" because you really know, it just looks like you don't but you do.

The subhead: "What you don't understand you can make mean anything" is a line borrowed from one of Chuck Pahlaniuk's books. It just means that everything here is up for interpretation, and because I'm not really encouraging readership, people are reading at their own risk. I'm not inclined to explain any of the things that I write here or to name the anonymous characters in my vague blog posts. If anything strikes a chord, then it's up to the reader to make something out of it. The comments function is purposely disabled so the only people who will ever get a chance at a clarification or an explanation are the ones who know my mobile number.

I hope that satisfies today's blogger challenge.

Day 1: Me, myself and I

(Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts)


My name is Joy and I am not an alchoholic.

Yes, of course, not. HAHA. Seriously, I'm not an alcoholic. I just enjoy drinking. I'm not anywhere near Lindsay Lohan's alcohol abuse. I don't do drugs either, though there was a time I've been told that I live the life of a rockstar (late nights, alcohol and all that shiz).  I counter that I'm not a rockstar because A) I have no fans; B) I can't sing to save my life even if I love music; C) I don't go around in swag rides; D) I can't even put eyeliner properly; and E) I hate being Jabar and being jabar is a staple characteristic of rockstars. They're all just... sweaty.

Moving on... I'm supposed to write 15 interesting facts about myself. I don't know about interesting, but what are listed below are surely facts:

1. I love reading books from the classics to contemporary fiction. Chuck Pahlaniuk is my favorite author and if I were reincarnated as an author, I'll probably be him. Dark, sarcastic and funny.
               
2. I WAS a young achiever. There was once a time when people wouldn't believe that I hold quite a high-ranking position in the office. What? That clown? Did she laugh her way to the top? WAS because I'm not young anymore or at least I don't consider myself to be.
               
3. I cannot do number 2 on a dirty toilet. I just can't. During immersion in the mountains where they only had a hole on the ground for a toilet, I held it in for three days. You can imagine it was heaven the moment I got to my own toilet at home.
        
4. As stated above, I don't sing well but I know the lyrics of a lot of songs by heart and I have quite an extensive repertoire from Bread, David Pomeranz (oo!), Spice Girls, Backstreet Boys, Eminem, Rihanna, Usher, Nirvana, Bon Jovi, Incubus (I know almost ALL), Red Hot Chili Peppers, and even Gary Valenciano songs. If it is or was popular, I probably know it.
                       
5. I have a kind of addictive personality, but not in the sense of substance abuse. If I (really) like Justin Bieber, expect me to know a lot about him beyond the basic stuff (he was born on March 1, has 3 tattoos, likes giving Selena Gomez foot rubs, etc). I can listen to just one song all week, spend days watching YouTube videos of my favorite band of the moment, know everything about my favorite F1 driver, not to mention SUBSCRIBE to and read F1 Racing magazine from cover to cover. I even took time to 'study' F1 technology so I can explain aerodynamics from the rear wing (?). Although when it comes to F1 technology, I can pretty much make up stuff and no one will know. Hehe
                      
6. After graduating in 2004, I really didn't want to start working yet, but mom always pushed me to go out there and find a job. So to create an impression that I was 'job hunting', there were days when I woke up early, dressed up for interviews with a clear folder in hand containing my resume, rode with dad to work and waited for the mall to open so I can watch 2 - 3 movies in between window shopping then ride back home with dad. I did that almost every Wednesday, when Glorietta used to show Art Films in Cinema 4. After a few days, I'd tell Mom I didn't like the jobs that I applied for so we should wait a little longer. FACT.
                
7. I was one of the few people in school to own a Nokia 5110 in highschool. Because it was prohibited in school, we'd hide our mobile phones inside the tank of one of the broken toilets in the ladies' room and we took frequent restroom breaks to text.
                             
8. I was smart enough to get good (read: outstanding) grades in Elementary and Highschool, but had to hire a Math tutor in college because my first ever advisory grade in Ateneo was an F. My math tutor had copies of the exam booklets the previous year which he used to review me for the current year. Advice to teachers: don't merely change the variables and the names. Finished freshman year with a B+! (kakahiya namang i-perfect)
                         
9. Most of the closest friends I have are ones who I survived major fights with. I think maintaining a close group of friends for more than decades is a good sign and surviving major fights means we've seen and gotten past the worst of each other.
                      
10. I'm more of a beer person than a wine person. I prefer vodka over scotch and Patron over Cuervo. I have NEVER tasted Red Horse beer.
                          
11. I need music to concentrate. Even when I was younger, I'd always turn the radio on or tune in to MTV while studying. Then I was given a walkman. Then a discman. And now, an iPod. I'm also not comfortable driving without playing music in the car.
                             
12. I do not like Dinuguan. The smell of it makes me want to regurgitate. I also don't eat liver except if it's in the form of a spread / foie gras. I don't like the texture, taste and smell. Ironic because that's probably the internal organ that I abuse the most.
                                       
13. I love writing. I can better express myself through writing except when drunk. I can better express myself through speaking when I'm drunk. I can deliver an Any Given Sunday type of speech when I'm drunk.
                                          
14. I used to not like the smell of donuts. I'm okay with them now, but donuts are not the type of food that I crave for or randomly buy at the mall. I'm not a donut person.
                          
15. I don't drink coffee just because most of the time, I get a mild headache after drinking coffee. I'm not even sure if it's caused by the coffee. I also don't see the effect of caffeine on me -- it does not keep me awake.

BLOGGER CHALLENGE DAY 1, THERE YOU GO.