Disclaimer: This post is completely hormonal.
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
I hate it when 'this' hits me (and I don't even know exactly what 'this' is). Today is one of those particulars days when I just feel that my life sucks. Well, not totally. Just kind of. It's one of those days that couldn't have been salvaged by alcohol. It just feels so awful. I get thoughts in my head driving me to do things and make decisions hastily and I know that I'll regret these later on. I've been in this situation one too many times and the sad thing is that realizations always come in the end -- when I realize that I could've handled things better. The good thing, though, is I've learned to deal with it. I'm proud to say that I've successfully convinced myself not to act on impulse. I had the urge to finally decide once and for all to free myself from whatever, and imagined myself spending long days just watching TV, going out, doing absolutely nothing for the next six to twelve months. Or I can pass time learning to play the violin or some weird non-mainstream instrument, help out with a NGO, learn a new sport or something. teach in a pre-school... I don't know.
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
I just want something new in my life now because I kinda feel that I'm doing things without a purpose, with no real reason and no real motivation. What's in it for me anyway? The sorry part is the more I'm becoming entrenched, the more I realize that this isn't what I want to do. I don't know what I want to do exactly but this doesn't feel like 'it'. This serves me well at the present perhaps because of the fact that I CAN do it and if I choose to, I can excel. If I'm right for this then why do I feel so restless and not so into it? Or could it be that I've become so comfortable and now I want to leave my comfort zone?
It all keeps adding up. I think I'm crackin' up
This blog was locked for a time until I cleared everything I wrote from the last time I posted in December. It's just not for public consumption and I don't want people to come across it and misinterpret everything. Moreso, I don't want to be so vocal about what I'm going through because I don't want to rub it off on the those around me. BUT those people shouldn't be fooled because beneath the exterior, I'm just someone who hasn't got a clue. Oh yes, yes, yes. I'm overrated and I know it. haha
(Am I just paranoid?) I'm just stoned.
Still and all, this is just one of 'em days. I know one day soon I'll wake up and feel perfectly fine. It's all just a cycle.