Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Only the Dead Have Seen the End of War

Three nights ago, we laid our mother to rest. There is pain, grief and sadness but at the same time, there is that sense of relief and liberation. Finally, my mom's six-year battle with a terminal illness is over.

It was painfully long and excruciating. There were so many harrowing nights of uncertainty and helplessness, but we were never hopeless for we knew that our mother would never give up without a fight. Before her last hours on earth, our mother faced death five times throughout the six-year ordeal and each time, she emerged triumphant. Wounded and scathed but nonetheless alive.

Mom fought so hard and we knew it was because of us. We knew she wanted to rest. She was going through so much pain that she wanted to die but her resilience betrayed her. It even got to a point that she was apologetic - sorry that she may not survive the next time her heart stopped beating or lungs got congested. But she never gave up until the end.

I couldn't begin to express how I really feel. There's a deep sense of loss, a void that will never be filled. Our home will never be the same. Our family will never be the same. Life will never be the same without mom. But I am comforted by the thought that she is free from pain. It's over. And I'm just grateful for the time we spent with mom. Grateful that she prepared us all for this moment. Grateful that she left us in peace. There's no unfinished business. True to her character, my mom had it all sorted out.

I was able to say sorry for all my misgivings as a daughter. That I will miss her and everything she does for us. That I love her for all her imperfections - for all that she is and for all that she isn't. I couldn't have had a better mom.

I'm grateful for having spent almost thirty years with you, Mom. I am what I am because of you and daddy. When you passed away, you took a part of me with you, but you also left a part of you with me.

It's over, Mommy. You can rest now. It's going to be tough, but we will be ok.

I love you.