I dare you to annoy me.

Annoy me! Annoy me! Because I love it when you show me that you don't really trust me.

You're winning the dare.


....

63

My mom turned 63 today, and I can't even begin to express how truly, truly, grateful I am that we survived another year. Every day that we have our mother with us is a cause for celebration. We have so much to be thankful for because for all of its ups and downs and occasional scares, life's been good to our family.

I'm definitely having one of those moments when I feel so so eternally grateful beyond words. I'm overwhelmed.

Thank you, Lord.

....

One Fine Friday

I've been writing a lot for the past three weeks or so, and I still want to write. I just think that I'll take a break from writing work stuff and write something that does not aim to establish a brand, create awareness, generate publicity, encourage preference... nothing that will highlight, demonstrate, position and, of course (how can I forget), leverage shiznit, because at one point, we all need a break from the things that we usually do.

And that's exactly what I did. About a month ago, I was talking to my friends about how we should do something together that doesn't necessarily involve going out of town or out of the country. Because we've heard good reviews about it, we all agreed to take the Living La Vida Imelda Walking Tour by Carlos Celdran.  The thing was it's only scheduled on Fridays, which is of course a work day. I checked the number of leaves I had and found that I still got nine left so I filed it anyway, really wanting to try it out.

I knew that this Friday was going to be different on all counts. For one, I'm almost going to turn seven at work and I've never had to take a leave for no specific reason at all (valid vacation leaves for me are the ones that are really used for vacation -- meaning trips or what not). I know of a few people who take leaves to 'rest' at home -- so this is a first for me. I took a leave to gallivant around Manila, something that I otherwise could've done on a weekend if not for the Friday only tour.

But it's not like I pick a random day and decide not to go to work.  As the date came closer, I had to take considerations as well.  After I agreed to join the tour and filed my leave, an event came up on the same day plus a lot of stuff to submit (like we ever run out) for other clients. I'm the type who feels guilty and uneasy if I know that something's going on at work and I'm not IN it personally, but then again, I thought -- if for some reason I suddenly vanish from the face of the earth, these people should be able to pull through, right? I have tremendous trust in the people that we put in place to manage things for our clients -- Perceptions is the perfect case study about why age is just a number.  This is a place where young twenty-somethings manage clients and run events on their own; who, inspite of their youthful facade, are able to measure up to any seasoned professional and call the shots as if they belonged to the industry since forever.  These are the people I work with everyday, and everyday we learn something new from each other. On one hand, I know their whims, quirks, issues, areas for improvement and what not, while on the other hand, I also know what they're capable of based on how they progress and that's what we try to maximize.  I was once in their place and while I kind of resented it before, I now appreciate the value of (sometimes) being left (alone) in-charge even at quite an early stage in my career. Because age is just a number. And it also helped that technology now is so ingrained in a person's lifestyle that I was able to monitor them throughout the day, answer calls, emails and what not... Not that I needed to.  I would imagine that 'monitoring' part wasn't so much of value to them as it was to me. If anything, it gave me the peace of mind that nothing fell through the cracks.

Anyway, after successfully shaking off that bothering thought of not being at work when I'm supposed to, I began my Friday Friday fun fun fun.  And this was how the unusual day went:

• Hit the slot machines at 8:45 am and, in 20 minutes, walked out P 6,000.00 richer. This was the first time I saw the Opus / Republiq area of Newport so deserted, and the first time I entered the casino as the first activity of the morning.

• Bought tickets for me and my friends to the 9:45 am screening of Harry Potter with the casino prize money, thanks to Newport Malls 24-hour screening on Fridays and Saturdays.
• Met my friends for a round of "iced tea" at Bar 360 before the movie."
• Got popcorn at 9:45 am which we munched on in the moviehouse.
• By noon, exited the movie house and had lunch at Pepper Steak (now this is normal).
• Went window-shopping before driving to CCP for the Walking Tour.
• Went to Iceberg's at Harbor Center and ordered iced desserts and tacos before the tour because it's hot.
• Joined the very interesting Imelda Walking Tour. Recommended!
• Headed to Mall of Asia to check out our client event.
• Hung out the mall a bit and had a few (or otherwise) rounds of beer over sushi and chill conversations.
• Headed back to Resorts World, and this time, got to learn a new table game which I will only get to play when I have the capability to. It's nice to actually understand a casino game for once (because I don't think anyone ever really gets how those slot machines work, right?).
• Decided to head home and get some shut eye after the casino instead of having some more drinks (see, this day's so different).

After a few days of not being in the mood for anything and feeling like life is one huge boring routine, all it really took was a day like this to take me back and realize that it ain't as bad as it seems.

And the best days are always the ones spent in good company.  These are the days that start and end well. I love my friends (those who were part of this day, you know who you are!).

Whip your hair back and forth! (if you have hair!)

....

Birthday blues... Sort of.

Is it possible to ever get tired of drinking? No? Exactly what I thought. It's Thirstday and I find myself busy infront of my computer, working because a day is just not enough -- and I've also said this many times before - I'm less functional during the day than I am during the night.

Thirstday... and my friends and I are all busy doing our own stuff. Somehow, everyone of us had work to do tonight. Some more fun (like managing the sponsors at FHM's 100 Sexiest Party) and some worse (the type that they're forced to do).  Unlike the usual, today is the only day of the week where no alcohol entered my system and I'd like to think that's a good thing to a certain extent - the liver needs a rest, too... but who am I kidding, right? If I had someone else to drink with right now, that's probably what I'd be doing, but work is a good alternative for staving off boredom. At least I get to (somewhat) free my day tomorrow and ease the load a bit, because I really feel more productive in the wee hours of the morning when no one else is around.

And so because if it were a regular Thirstday I'm supposed to be up until the wee hours of the morning, my body sort of doesn't want to go to sleep yet. I'm left with my own head to mess with, and it's definitely not one of those days when I'm on a natural high. This is more of a natural low, like the proverbial birthday blues, only, my birthday has long passed. Or it could be something like Quarter Life Crisis, only I'm not sure if I'll live to be a hundred years old. I don't know what will take me out of this rut. It is natural for women to get hormonal, right? So perhaps that's one of the reasons why.

I want to walk barefoot on the beach, have some beers, engage in a really nice conversation, have a good laugh, get high from a concert, see a really good movie, dance like no one's watching, sing like a rockstar, cry my heart out, hug a friend really tight, meet new people, eat something so delicious I close my eyes the moment I taste it, get totally hammered without a hangover the day after, be awestruck by something marvelous, drive really fast on a freeway, run aimlessly, get wet in the rain and feel good about it, finish a good book, fly somewhere I've never been, and finally, create something legen...wait for it... dary.

Life's simple joys. Those moments when you feel like you're totally alive. That's what I really want.

But for the meantime:

GAME. FACE. ON.

....

When It's Too Late to Apologize

I've never been a gifted liar. Actually, NO. Screw that. I can be a really good liar, except to the people who know me well. I don't think I'm even capable of masking my feelings, my eyes and smile betray me most of the time - at least to those who know.

There are moments, mornings after, when you wish you could take back time and do things differently. I know myself and I admit that I have the tendency to cross the lines, hit below the belt and what not, but it's usually not until hours after, when I look back on the things that transpired, that I begin to wonder if I went a little overboard.

Then guilt manifests itself. It's not so much the thought of what was done or said, but more of the fact that someone was probably offended, moreso if it's someone that I value.  An apology is the quickest fix - after all, people who care about each other (friends, family, whoever) wouldn't be able to stay angry at each other for long periods. Then again, it's all about timing. If an apology is in order, I believe it has to be done at once and not a few hours later. Apologizing also has that risk of making a big deal of what could be otherwise to the other party, because after all, this guilt could be nothing but a result of overthinking or overanalyzing.

For some people, apologizing doesn't always mean literally saying sorry. Sorry is just a word -- it's what you do with the realization that you're at fault which will count.  Aplogizing could be in a form of making up for the offense by being a better person, a better friend, without ever having to say it out loud.  People will see the effort, and sometimes, that's even better than saying sorry and not meaning it.

We don't care about the old folks talkin' 'bout the old style.

Social media serves different people in different ways. To share, to see, to connect, to participate -- there are varying levels of usage.  Facebook for me is a tool for connecting with friends, past and new acquaintances. It just makes it easy for me to look people up.  I used to enjoy sharing content and posting everything -- music, videos, notes, photos, until the interest waned. Now it's more of games and looking at what other people are doing. 

The good thing about Facebook is that people get to choose the content they share -- they get to project the kind of life that they want people to see.  Twitter is more liberated because it kind of gives the mind an outlet and its 'maybe you care, maybe you don't' environment makes it a bit more encouraging for the user to type away. 

It's funny how some people seem to have a different persona in social media compared to how they really are in real life. I know my cousins. I grew up with them, but it still surprises me to realize how much more there is about them than what I know.  My prim and proper shy-type teenage cousins (yes, we have shy types in the family) are all angsty. They talk about their moms and dads, teachers and how unreasonable the world is -- and I'm like, what the hell is happening to you??! When you see these people in person you'd never guess they think about those things. We have unspoken rules such that we don't talk about what we see online infront of our parents, but nothing I share online isn't available to my folks anyway. I am what I am and if I cuss there, my father would understand (but see, I don't say 'fuck' as much as my cousins do!). And the most important rule is not to tell our parents about Twitter so the oldies won't invade it like they did Facebook. I remember being told off on Facebook by one of our uncles because "Joy Mirasol likes Barrack Obama" and my uncle thinks he's evil for supporting abortion etcetera etcetera. What's up with that?

Still, it's a nice way of getting to know friends and relatives. Now that we're more connected and free to share our thoughts online, we feel much closer to each other. I just hope that we don't abuse it such that we lose our values. The future generations will enjoy much more freedom because of the digital age, and I don't know yet what's next to Twitter or Facebook, but I do hope it's something constructive as opposed to destructive. The fact that no one can fully regulate what happens online makes it all the more challenging for parents, mentors and other people concerned to instill values in our young ones and help them discern right from wrong, appropriate from inappropriate.

BOW.

... 

I know that there's a world out there that functions without regard to me.

Just when I thought I had everything down pat, I find myself in the very situation I've been trying so hard to avoid.  I have to admit I was better off thinking to myself because then, the defenses were stronger. I held my ground in my own stubborn way. The moment other people were in on it was the moment I let my guard down, which brought me... here.

I've thought about this before - I know the pros and I know the cons. It's not worth the risk of addressing the issue or whateverthefuckitis knowing that it's lopsided, or worse, that there really may not be another side to it. Everything could probably be in my head.  The worse thing about this is paranoia because there's now a certain level of consciousness about EVERYTHING.

And this failure to see things as they really are is a hindrance for people to function like their usual selves.  It's a pain to have all these thoughts at the back of your head all the friggin' time. This quote couldn't be any more true now: No one can beat you up as much as you beat yourself up in your own mind.

There's a very thin line between fantasy and reality. You can always try to convince yourself to believe otherwise, but you can't prevent yourself from feeling something, even if you don't like to feel that way. And you just don't mess with feelings because regardless if these feelings are good or bad, you can never say it's wrong to feel something. You feel it because you feel it. It's there.  And you can't really expect people to take your feelings in consideration all the time because, in reality, they have their own to protect.

The key thing here is self-preservation. We have to be responsible for ourselves. There will always be people around to cause hurt knowingly and unknowingly, but the important thing is to know how to deal.

GAME FACE ON!

...

Kung wala ka narin lang sasabihing maganda...

Huwag mo na kong kausapin. Ang inet inet, bwiset!

I thank you. BOW.


....

Everytime I'd ask my friend to come to THIRSTdays he'd say he can't because he has TENNIS.

And I'm like, WHUUUUUT? Why would you prefer to play tennis on a Thirstday?!

I think I've figured out what the "fuck" it is.

SLAM away, my friend. Slam away!!!

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

I cannot be without you, matter-of-fact.

What's so important that, already 20 minutes away from the house, I had turn back home to get it after realizing I left it?

What's so important that, after realizing I left it in the car, I had to ask the driver to take the skyway back to the airport just to bring it to me because I couldn't fly out without it?

What's so important that I had to go through the hassle of asking various authorities to allow me to go out of the airport after I've been cleared by immigration to retrieve that something I forgot in the car?

Oh, why am I so attached to you, my iPod.

Haha.

...