Only losers make decisions when things are bad. The time to rejig your life is the time when it's seemingly smooth.

'Nuff said.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Manual Transmission

Mentoring is harder than I thought. On one hand, there is that desire to see an individual come out from under your shadow, take flight, flourish and soar. On the other hand is the process which an individual has to go through with a mentor in preparation for that flight.

I'm not the confrontational type. I've always thought that it's such a waste to be pouring out all of my energy into a negative issue.  Why should I stress myself out, right? I'd rather give the cold shoulder than explain myself.  I don't like dealing with issues, much less getting caught in them. I couldn't care less about local show business or even Hollywood. I'm only interested in some of the details so that I'm in the know, but I don't really give a damn who impregnated who. In real life, I'll be most likely inclined to just give you what you want in order for you to just shut up.  I'm guilty of bribing traffic enforcers sometimes just so I won't go through the hassle of having to claim my driver's license after I inadvertently violated a rule.  But then I realized, that doesn't work for people who look up to you as a mentor.  More so at work.  We can't just let things slide.  They might not even realize it, but they kind of expect you to steer them to the right direction. That I can do. I have seven years worth of experience and wisdom that I can share.  But along with this mentoring chore comes dealing with issues.

I have to admit that I probably don't handle issues well. Maybe I don't have it in me yet.  And in this hesitation to deal with issues, I've probably, unwittingly influenced a culture that permits mediocrity. Where puedeng puede na. Puedeng di bale na. Puede yung "hindi ko kaya" at "ewan ko", which is sad for an institution that is known for its excellence. Many people do not know what happens behind-the-scenes of every successful project, or even a well-written press release. I really miss the days when everyone worked together seamlessly. That gelling together that I've always described as a flawless pit stop - everyone knew what to do and everyone did what they did well. No need to tell each other what to do. We just knew.

From an almost futuristic autopilot system, I'm now on manual transmission. If I didn't know how to operate the clutch-brake-gear-gas, the engine dies, the car will stop... and if I didn't know the clutch-brake balance, I'm going to find myself rolling down in reverse should I encounter traffic at the skyway on-ramp.

The next time I wake up, it'll be Monday and we'll be starting a brand new week at work.  Here we go.

What are We Supposed to Do Anyway?

Life. It's one of those existentialist conversations that we in the twentysomethings almost always find ourselves in, but never really get close to getting a satisfying answer.  More often than not, topics like this are only meant to be discussed, argued about, dissected and what not, but never really resolved.  At 28, I'm wondering if I'm really living my life for what it's worth. Am I really making the most out of it? Is this what it is? Or am I sitting here wasting time when I could be doing something more? Am I wasting time or maximizing it?

Time. Ten years later, will I tell myself that I shouldn't have wasted time and should've done something more or will I get to say that whatever it is that I achieve in ten years was worth the wait and that I was right about patiently going through life?

Change. My fear is that one day, I'll realize that I'm living life a little too cautiously in that I can't seem to leave my comfort zones, whatever they are, and when I'm finally ready to take risks, the moment has passed me by. I'm not afraid of change, but at the same time, I seem to be too lazy to instigate change. Why fix what's not broken, right?  That's not to say anything needs changing, though. I'm just saying that I might be too fixated looking at the details that I might be missing the big picture.

Now. I've always said that my mantra is to live in the now, make the most of the present, and worry about the future only a little bit, not a lot. Lately, I realize that living in the now is the mantra of the early to mid twenty somethings.  In the late 20s and early 30s, people start thinking seriously about life direction along with the maturing of the wardrobe.  I wonder if when I'm 35, will it still be cool for me to say, like, "Yeah, you know, I'm happy! I go with the flow, wherever life takes me. I don't know where I'll be tomorrow, but I'm there for sure!".  Wouldn't it be funny for a 35-year old to not have the least bit disposition in life? Even rockstars take life-changing turns when they're 35.  That is if they're lucky enough to live beyond their 20s.

Random. This is probably me thinking too much again, but these random moments of rumination are hard to avoid. I have them all the friggin' time.  I think it's a healthy exercise, though, to be thinking about the future while dealing with the present, but of course without forgetting the past.

And so, I shall stay put and try to milk life for what it's worth. It's not like I'll open my eyes to a new morning tomorrow and tell myself, "So today I'm going to change the world." Che. That only happens in movies. I'll deal with things as they come. I can look at it as plain laziness to instigate change, the lack of hunger to do more and change the world.  Or I can look at it as confidence, bravery and awesomeness -- that self-assured way of knowing that I hold my life in my hands and I can turn it into anything I want it to be.

After all, isn't everything just a matter of perspective?

...

Verdict: STILL inconclusive.

Come Together, Right Now.

Someone tweeted that if you find yourself still awake at 2:00 a.m. with nothing to do, chances are you'll be contemplating life and the drama begins. Well, guess it depends on the time of the month. Last week was really tough in terms of battling the hormonal shiz. The worst part is willing yourself to get in a good mood when you're really not. It just gets to you sometimes in varying degrees. I reread what I posted last week and realized that I'm not in the same position anymore. In an instant, things have changed and I didn't even notice. I'm not in a rut or in a funk. I can't say I'm happy because I'm not sure, but I seem to be okay.

It's bad enough that women have to bleed regularly, but was it really necessary to correlate it to drama-inducing hormones? I hate the feeling when I'm irritable or annoyed, and for some reason, I always zero in on just one person for the day and the selection is random.  I observed that I react to hormonal imbalance in two ways: either I get really, really irritable (like I'm-not-typing-your-name-but-this-tweet-is-definitely-for-you irritated) or feel really, really sad (like I'm-listening-to-sad-songs-on-my-ipod-and-I'm-tweeting-the-lyrics-because-I-hate-my-life depressed).  I don't know which one I like better. The short term solution is to get alcohol in my system. This last statement is a win-win thing. I drink when I'm extremely happy and I drink when I'm extremely sad. I also drink in between the extremes.

uhhh. What is the point of this post... I don't know. I suddenly lost it. I don't know what to write next. Just thought writing here is better than drunk tweeting. I've done drunk tweeting too many times that I find myself feeling embarassed when I wake up the morning after and get to review my tweets. Like.... whut. Whut, I'm like definitely, like, not drunk. Like, I mean, I'm really not. Seriously. I was like. I dunno. Like that. Like.... you know. Like you.

HAHAHAHA. Joke. This is a perfect example why I will never emerge as one of the most followed bloggers ever. I do not make sense especially to the people who do not know me. Hi guys! Greeting you just in case you stumble upon this emotional trash can... but trash cans are meant to be hiddden instead of displayed... so that explains why this is not a public blog. I mean, it is public, but it's not something I promote. Having said that, why am I even blogging to explain myself to... myself?

#nowplaying: BED OF ROSES

///

That feeling of Enlightenment

is what I miss right now. That moment when you end a conversation feeling good about yourself. That positive, forward-looking, let's-get-it-on outlook in life. That self-affirmation that yes, this is alright. This is fun. This is happiness. This is life and I love it. I miss that right now. I seriously, seriously miss that. I say "right now" because I do remember feeling that natural high many months ago and it really was a good feeling. The kind of happy feeling that makes you want to skip around instead of walk.

There are just certain times of the year when I can't help but feel a little down. There's no particular period, month or occasion. It just happens that at one point every year, I feel like I'm in a funk and lonely, even in the midst of everyone around me, even when I know that there are a lot of reasons for me to be happy. And I don't get it. Every year, I try to get it but I don't. I am a happy person. I love laughter. I poke fun at myself and other people. Sarcasm has a place in my humor, but it is happy. The laugh-out-loud kind of happy, so it beats me that whenever I have moments like this, I can't seem to come to terms with myself.

The fact that I just came from the cemetery and realized how much I miss my brother isn't helping.  I miss him terribly. It's unimaginable - what I am willing to give for just an hour with him.  If an hour is asking too much, make that five seconds. I just really need a hug.

Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if it would've been easier if I hadn't known what it was like to have a brother because now that he's gone, I keep longing for things that I know I'll never have.  He would have been 41 or 42 years old this year.  I never felt the age gap then, but I recognized the wisdom and sense of security that he gave me.  I was so used to having him around that I never considered the thought of not having him around. And it's so sad.

I hope I get out of this rut soon.  I know I'll eventually snap out of it on my own, but I hope it happens soon. I realize I'm not alone here because I somehow manage to drag people into this negative sphere sometimes, and I apologize to those on whom I vent my ires out. It's just really difficult to put up a face. I'm not a clown.

But hello, blog. Thanks for being here, where it's just you and me. :)

What. the. ?



I'm waiting for my dad to give his siblings his two cents on this, but I know he won't do it on Facebook. I know it works differently with every child, but it's always been about positive reinforcement for my parents. As a kid, I was not disallowed to do anything as long as my grades were good. I can watch TV and play the computer (it was a Family Computer then) as long as I got good grades, and that motivated me to always do well because I didn't want to lose those privileges accorded to me on a weekday, which most kids weren't able to enjoy back then.

It was always sort of a deal with them: you do this for me and you get to do what you want. For the first two years in college, I lived with my Aunt whose house was about 40 minutes away from school. It was still a hassle for me to go back and forth, so on my third year, I asked my parents to put me up in a condo unit infront of Ateneo, along with four of my friends. As most parents, their concern was that I might get distracted and find myself in the wrong crowd and what not.  I convinced them by promising that I'll maintain my grades in school and that's what I did (even better).

I'd always get rewarded for doing well (and perhaps that's why there are times when I still look for that kind of appreciation from other people, which I don't get all the time), but not really get punished for not doing well.  All I ever really got were mockery and teasing (Dad: Math? Only C+ in Math? Grabe kung ako yan, B+ na siguro pinakamababa. Ano ba yan, Math lang! / Kuya: Wag niyo na bigyan ng baon na pera, mahina yan sa Math! parang ako! Padalan ng kanin!). Yuck. Ayoko na magbaon ng kanin, Grade 6 nako! And so I strived to prove them wrong (by winging it. It's not like I'm good in Math now). My parents were very liberated when it came to me that they even took me out to the movies on a Wednesday night, last full show, because Titanic opened, even when I had my final exams the next day.

Anyway, my point is, good gawd why call him out for patting himself on the back... ON FACEBOOK? He's not patting himself on the back, he just thinks he deserves a little fun after his no nonsense accomplishment. If he answered yes to the question about Kumon and homework, then he should be allowed to be on the computer in the middle of the week.  And this is a child who was diagnosed with autism in his early years, which was, thank God, corrected eventually.

.....

Blogging Challenge FAIL.

I just can't keep at it.



>>>>

Day 3: Adam and Eve

Day 3: Your first love

For a change, I'm not going to be a smart ass and say that my first love was reading books. No.

The first time I remember feeling for someone else was in grade two. The details aren't all that clear to me anymore, but I remember how it felt being truly attracted to someone for the first time. Those were the days when there's always a smile for no reason, feeling a bit light-headed and wanting to see that person.

Okay, some people say that those movie scenes when two people are suddenly caught in a moment staring at each other is really an exaggeration... Well, not really.

It was for a minor school play. He was Adam and I was Eve. We were practicing our scenes and somewhere along the way, it just happened. I suddenly felt that I had a crush on this boy who played Adam, and I kinda felt that he felt the same because he looked at me like 'that', too, before it became totally awkward. I was suddenly shy around him and all that shiz... GAHD, I think I'm failing this supposed attempt at a romantic blog post. I'm never gonna be the mushy type.

I'm not sure if it was LOVE... we were in second grade! Perhaps it was a semblance of it. My memory is quite good and what I really remember was the feeling of discovering a totally new emotion. In grade two.

I'm still friends with that guy and there are times when I suddenly remember grade two and I'm like... First crush ko yan at first crush niya ko before he began to totally hate me for teasing him to be gay. I had a defense mechanism in place, grade two palang. If you don't want to feel awkward towards another boy, convince yourself that he's gay. BUT that was in Grade Two. And it was FUNNY.

Day 2: ACT LIKE YOU KNOW

Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name

A little backgrounder: I started this blog on a Monday, 21st of March 2005, while waiting for a colleague to finish working so we could head over to Valero for drinks. This was at a time when Facebook and Twitter weren't what they are today. This was also at a time when we started the "Break-the-week" routine on Mondays to cope with workplace stress and all that. And this was at a time when Capones (now Le Bistro Vert) in Valero was one of the places to be in Makati, along with Il Ponticello, the Greenbelt 2 strip (Nuvo, Uva, Mezze, Kai, Pepato, etc.), Tabu and Pinoy Rock joints like 6 Underground, Saguijo and of course, Gweilos.

I remember that as a really hectic day and we were set to unwind that night (yeah, the need to unwind even right after a weekend), when I felt the urge to write about anything but work and created a blog that was originally meant to be a private site (but word got out and I now have 5 readers after 6 years of blogging, plus the occasional lurkers haha).

Anyway, the two first paragraphs are not really necessary for the topic of today's blog challenge.

ACT LIKE YOU KNOW simply means... To act like you know. When I started working, I was such a nene that I thought no one took me seriously. In my Atenean ma-pride way, I admitted that I still lacked experience, but I refused to accept that my insights and recommendations were not good enough to be taken seriously. So my mantra was to "ACT LIKE YOU KNOW", and I found that if I projected myself in a certain way and delivered things with conviction, I kind of earned a higher level of respect than my nene persona inspite of holding an entry level position. I was young but not stupid and I was eager to prove it.

It can actually mean several things. You can "Act Like You Know" in a sense that you want to be believable when you're winging it, or "Act Like You Know" because you really know, it just looks like you don't but you do.

The subhead: "What you don't understand you can make mean anything" is a line borrowed from one of Chuck Pahlaniuk's books. It just means that everything here is up for interpretation, and because I'm not really encouraging readership, people are reading at their own risk. I'm not inclined to explain any of the things that I write here or to name the anonymous characters in my vague blog posts. If anything strikes a chord, then it's up to the reader to make something out of it. The comments function is purposely disabled so the only people who will ever get a chance at a clarification or an explanation are the ones who know my mobile number.

I hope that satisfies today's blogger challenge.

Day 1: Me, myself and I

(Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts)


My name is Joy and I am not an alchoholic.

Yes, of course, not. HAHA. Seriously, I'm not an alcoholic. I just enjoy drinking. I'm not anywhere near Lindsay Lohan's alcohol abuse. I don't do drugs either, though there was a time I've been told that I live the life of a rockstar (late nights, alcohol and all that shiz).  I counter that I'm not a rockstar because A) I have no fans; B) I can't sing to save my life even if I love music; C) I don't go around in swag rides; D) I can't even put eyeliner properly; and E) I hate being Jabar and being jabar is a staple characteristic of rockstars. They're all just... sweaty.

Moving on... I'm supposed to write 15 interesting facts about myself. I don't know about interesting, but what are listed below are surely facts:

1. I love reading books from the classics to contemporary fiction. Chuck Pahlaniuk is my favorite author and if I were reincarnated as an author, I'll probably be him. Dark, sarcastic and funny.
               
2. I WAS a young achiever. There was once a time when people wouldn't believe that I hold quite a high-ranking position in the office. What? That clown? Did she laugh her way to the top? WAS because I'm not young anymore or at least I don't consider myself to be.
               
3. I cannot do number 2 on a dirty toilet. I just can't. During immersion in the mountains where they only had a hole on the ground for a toilet, I held it in for three days. You can imagine it was heaven the moment I got to my own toilet at home.
        
4. As stated above, I don't sing well but I know the lyrics of a lot of songs by heart and I have quite an extensive repertoire from Bread, David Pomeranz (oo!), Spice Girls, Backstreet Boys, Eminem, Rihanna, Usher, Nirvana, Bon Jovi, Incubus (I know almost ALL), Red Hot Chili Peppers, and even Gary Valenciano songs. If it is or was popular, I probably know it.
                       
5. I have a kind of addictive personality, but not in the sense of substance abuse. If I (really) like Justin Bieber, expect me to know a lot about him beyond the basic stuff (he was born on March 1, has 3 tattoos, likes giving Selena Gomez foot rubs, etc). I can listen to just one song all week, spend days watching YouTube videos of my favorite band of the moment, know everything about my favorite F1 driver, not to mention SUBSCRIBE to and read F1 Racing magazine from cover to cover. I even took time to 'study' F1 technology so I can explain aerodynamics from the rear wing (?). Although when it comes to F1 technology, I can pretty much make up stuff and no one will know. Hehe
                      
6. After graduating in 2004, I really didn't want to start working yet, but mom always pushed me to go out there and find a job. So to create an impression that I was 'job hunting', there were days when I woke up early, dressed up for interviews with a clear folder in hand containing my resume, rode with dad to work and waited for the mall to open so I can watch 2 - 3 movies in between window shopping then ride back home with dad. I did that almost every Wednesday, when Glorietta used to show Art Films in Cinema 4. After a few days, I'd tell Mom I didn't like the jobs that I applied for so we should wait a little longer. FACT.
                
7. I was one of the few people in school to own a Nokia 5110 in highschool. Because it was prohibited in school, we'd hide our mobile phones inside the tank of one of the broken toilets in the ladies' room and we took frequent restroom breaks to text.
                             
8. I was smart enough to get good (read: outstanding) grades in Elementary and Highschool, but had to hire a Math tutor in college because my first ever advisory grade in Ateneo was an F. My math tutor had copies of the exam booklets the previous year which he used to review me for the current year. Advice to teachers: don't merely change the variables and the names. Finished freshman year with a B+! (kakahiya namang i-perfect)
                         
9. Most of the closest friends I have are ones who I survived major fights with. I think maintaining a close group of friends for more than decades is a good sign and surviving major fights means we've seen and gotten past the worst of each other.
                      
10. I'm more of a beer person than a wine person. I prefer vodka over scotch and Patron over Cuervo. I have NEVER tasted Red Horse beer.
                          
11. I need music to concentrate. Even when I was younger, I'd always turn the radio on or tune in to MTV while studying. Then I was given a walkman. Then a discman. And now, an iPod. I'm also not comfortable driving without playing music in the car.
                             
12. I do not like Dinuguan. The smell of it makes me want to regurgitate. I also don't eat liver except if it's in the form of a spread / foie gras. I don't like the texture, taste and smell. Ironic because that's probably the internal organ that I abuse the most.
                                       
13. I love writing. I can better express myself through writing except when drunk. I can better express myself through speaking when I'm drunk. I can deliver an Any Given Sunday type of speech when I'm drunk.
                                          
14. I used to not like the smell of donuts. I'm okay with them now, but donuts are not the type of food that I crave for or randomly buy at the mall. I'm not a donut person.
                          
15. I don't drink coffee just because most of the time, I get a mild headache after drinking coffee. I'm not even sure if it's caused by the coffee. I also don't see the effect of caffeine on me -- it does not keep me awake.

BLOGGER CHALLENGE DAY 1, THERE YOU GO.

 
 
 
 

Day 0: The 30-day Blog Challenge

In spite of my to-do list, which is longer than the Golden Gate Bridge, here I am taking on another challenge. I've seen a lot of people do this online and to celebrate the first of August, I decided to embark on this challenge myself just to see if I can actually keep up.

It's called the 30-day blog challenge where the blogger (me) is supposed to blog for 30 days straight.  There's a pre-determined list of topics to follow. So for the next 30 days, I will be blogging about:

Day 0: The 30 Day Challenge Explanation and Description
Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts
Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name
Day 3: Your first love
Day 4: Your parents
Day 5: A song to match your mood
Day 6: A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 7: Favorite movies
Day 8: A place you've traveled to
Day 9: A favorite picture of your best friend
Day 10: Something you're afraid of
Day 11: Favorite tv shows
Day 12: Something you don't leave the house without
Day 13: Goals
Day 14: A picture of you last year - how have you changed?
Day 15: Bible verse
Day 16: Dream house
Day 17: Something you're looking forward to
Day 18: Favorite Place to Eat
Day 19: Something you miss
Day 20: Nicknames
Day 21: Favorite Picture of yourself ALL TIME Why?
Day 22: What's in your purse?
Day 23: Favorite Movie
Day 24: Something you've learned
Day 25: Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs
Day 26: Your Dream Wedding
Day 27: Original Photo of the city you live in
Day 28: Something that stresses you out
Day 29: 3 Wishes
Day 30: a picture of yourself this day and 5 good things that happened since you started the challenge

So, let's see. Let the blogging marathon begin!

...

I dare you to annoy me.

Annoy me! Annoy me! Because I love it when you show me that you don't really trust me.

You're winning the dare.


....

63

My mom turned 63 today, and I can't even begin to express how truly, truly, grateful I am that we survived another year. Every day that we have our mother with us is a cause for celebration. We have so much to be thankful for because for all of its ups and downs and occasional scares, life's been good to our family.

I'm definitely having one of those moments when I feel so so eternally grateful beyond words. I'm overwhelmed.

Thank you, Lord.

....

One Fine Friday

I've been writing a lot for the past three weeks or so, and I still want to write. I just think that I'll take a break from writing work stuff and write something that does not aim to establish a brand, create awareness, generate publicity, encourage preference... nothing that will highlight, demonstrate, position and, of course (how can I forget), leverage shiznit, because at one point, we all need a break from the things that we usually do.

And that's exactly what I did. About a month ago, I was talking to my friends about how we should do something together that doesn't necessarily involve going out of town or out of the country. Because we've heard good reviews about it, we all agreed to take the Living La Vida Imelda Walking Tour by Carlos Celdran.  The thing was it's only scheduled on Fridays, which is of course a work day. I checked the number of leaves I had and found that I still got nine left so I filed it anyway, really wanting to try it out.

I knew that this Friday was going to be different on all counts. For one, I'm almost going to turn seven at work and I've never had to take a leave for no specific reason at all (valid vacation leaves for me are the ones that are really used for vacation -- meaning trips or what not). I know of a few people who take leaves to 'rest' at home -- so this is a first for me. I took a leave to gallivant around Manila, something that I otherwise could've done on a weekend if not for the Friday only tour.

But it's not like I pick a random day and decide not to go to work.  As the date came closer, I had to take considerations as well.  After I agreed to join the tour and filed my leave, an event came up on the same day plus a lot of stuff to submit (like we ever run out) for other clients. I'm the type who feels guilty and uneasy if I know that something's going on at work and I'm not IN it personally, but then again, I thought -- if for some reason I suddenly vanish from the face of the earth, these people should be able to pull through, right? I have tremendous trust in the people that we put in place to manage things for our clients -- Perceptions is the perfect case study about why age is just a number.  This is a place where young twenty-somethings manage clients and run events on their own; who, inspite of their youthful facade, are able to measure up to any seasoned professional and call the shots as if they belonged to the industry since forever.  These are the people I work with everyday, and everyday we learn something new from each other. On one hand, I know their whims, quirks, issues, areas for improvement and what not, while on the other hand, I also know what they're capable of based on how they progress and that's what we try to maximize.  I was once in their place and while I kind of resented it before, I now appreciate the value of (sometimes) being left (alone) in-charge even at quite an early stage in my career. Because age is just a number. And it also helped that technology now is so ingrained in a person's lifestyle that I was able to monitor them throughout the day, answer calls, emails and what not... Not that I needed to.  I would imagine that 'monitoring' part wasn't so much of value to them as it was to me. If anything, it gave me the peace of mind that nothing fell through the cracks.

Anyway, after successfully shaking off that bothering thought of not being at work when I'm supposed to, I began my Friday Friday fun fun fun.  And this was how the unusual day went:

• Hit the slot machines at 8:45 am and, in 20 minutes, walked out P 6,000.00 richer. This was the first time I saw the Opus / Republiq area of Newport so deserted, and the first time I entered the casino as the first activity of the morning.

• Bought tickets for me and my friends to the 9:45 am screening of Harry Potter with the casino prize money, thanks to Newport Malls 24-hour screening on Fridays and Saturdays.
• Met my friends for a round of "iced tea" at Bar 360 before the movie."
• Got popcorn at 9:45 am which we munched on in the moviehouse.
• By noon, exited the movie house and had lunch at Pepper Steak (now this is normal).
• Went window-shopping before driving to CCP for the Walking Tour.
• Went to Iceberg's at Harbor Center and ordered iced desserts and tacos before the tour because it's hot.
• Joined the very interesting Imelda Walking Tour. Recommended!
• Headed to Mall of Asia to check out our client event.
• Hung out the mall a bit and had a few (or otherwise) rounds of beer over sushi and chill conversations.
• Headed back to Resorts World, and this time, got to learn a new table game which I will only get to play when I have the capability to. It's nice to actually understand a casino game for once (because I don't think anyone ever really gets how those slot machines work, right?).
• Decided to head home and get some shut eye after the casino instead of having some more drinks (see, this day's so different).

After a few days of not being in the mood for anything and feeling like life is one huge boring routine, all it really took was a day like this to take me back and realize that it ain't as bad as it seems.

And the best days are always the ones spent in good company.  These are the days that start and end well. I love my friends (those who were part of this day, you know who you are!).

Whip your hair back and forth! (if you have hair!)

....

Birthday blues... Sort of.

Is it possible to ever get tired of drinking? No? Exactly what I thought. It's Thirstday and I find myself busy infront of my computer, working because a day is just not enough -- and I've also said this many times before - I'm less functional during the day than I am during the night.

Thirstday... and my friends and I are all busy doing our own stuff. Somehow, everyone of us had work to do tonight. Some more fun (like managing the sponsors at FHM's 100 Sexiest Party) and some worse (the type that they're forced to do).  Unlike the usual, today is the only day of the week where no alcohol entered my system and I'd like to think that's a good thing to a certain extent - the liver needs a rest, too... but who am I kidding, right? If I had someone else to drink with right now, that's probably what I'd be doing, but work is a good alternative for staving off boredom. At least I get to (somewhat) free my day tomorrow and ease the load a bit, because I really feel more productive in the wee hours of the morning when no one else is around.

And so because if it were a regular Thirstday I'm supposed to be up until the wee hours of the morning, my body sort of doesn't want to go to sleep yet. I'm left with my own head to mess with, and it's definitely not one of those days when I'm on a natural high. This is more of a natural low, like the proverbial birthday blues, only, my birthday has long passed. Or it could be something like Quarter Life Crisis, only I'm not sure if I'll live to be a hundred years old. I don't know what will take me out of this rut. It is natural for women to get hormonal, right? So perhaps that's one of the reasons why.

I want to walk barefoot on the beach, have some beers, engage in a really nice conversation, have a good laugh, get high from a concert, see a really good movie, dance like no one's watching, sing like a rockstar, cry my heart out, hug a friend really tight, meet new people, eat something so delicious I close my eyes the moment I taste it, get totally hammered without a hangover the day after, be awestruck by something marvelous, drive really fast on a freeway, run aimlessly, get wet in the rain and feel good about it, finish a good book, fly somewhere I've never been, and finally, create something legen...wait for it... dary.

Life's simple joys. Those moments when you feel like you're totally alive. That's what I really want.

But for the meantime:

GAME. FACE. ON.

....

When It's Too Late to Apologize

I've never been a gifted liar. Actually, NO. Screw that. I can be a really good liar, except to the people who know me well. I don't think I'm even capable of masking my feelings, my eyes and smile betray me most of the time - at least to those who know.

There are moments, mornings after, when you wish you could take back time and do things differently. I know myself and I admit that I have the tendency to cross the lines, hit below the belt and what not, but it's usually not until hours after, when I look back on the things that transpired, that I begin to wonder if I went a little overboard.

Then guilt manifests itself. It's not so much the thought of what was done or said, but more of the fact that someone was probably offended, moreso if it's someone that I value.  An apology is the quickest fix - after all, people who care about each other (friends, family, whoever) wouldn't be able to stay angry at each other for long periods. Then again, it's all about timing. If an apology is in order, I believe it has to be done at once and not a few hours later. Apologizing also has that risk of making a big deal of what could be otherwise to the other party, because after all, this guilt could be nothing but a result of overthinking or overanalyzing.

For some people, apologizing doesn't always mean literally saying sorry. Sorry is just a word -- it's what you do with the realization that you're at fault which will count.  Aplogizing could be in a form of making up for the offense by being a better person, a better friend, without ever having to say it out loud.  People will see the effort, and sometimes, that's even better than saying sorry and not meaning it.

We don't care about the old folks talkin' 'bout the old style.

Social media serves different people in different ways. To share, to see, to connect, to participate -- there are varying levels of usage.  Facebook for me is a tool for connecting with friends, past and new acquaintances. It just makes it easy for me to look people up.  I used to enjoy sharing content and posting everything -- music, videos, notes, photos, until the interest waned. Now it's more of games and looking at what other people are doing. 

The good thing about Facebook is that people get to choose the content they share -- they get to project the kind of life that they want people to see.  Twitter is more liberated because it kind of gives the mind an outlet and its 'maybe you care, maybe you don't' environment makes it a bit more encouraging for the user to type away. 

It's funny how some people seem to have a different persona in social media compared to how they really are in real life. I know my cousins. I grew up with them, but it still surprises me to realize how much more there is about them than what I know.  My prim and proper shy-type teenage cousins (yes, we have shy types in the family) are all angsty. They talk about their moms and dads, teachers and how unreasonable the world is -- and I'm like, what the hell is happening to you??! When you see these people in person you'd never guess they think about those things. We have unspoken rules such that we don't talk about what we see online infront of our parents, but nothing I share online isn't available to my folks anyway. I am what I am and if I cuss there, my father would understand (but see, I don't say 'fuck' as much as my cousins do!). And the most important rule is not to tell our parents about Twitter so the oldies won't invade it like they did Facebook. I remember being told off on Facebook by one of our uncles because "Joy Mirasol likes Barrack Obama" and my uncle thinks he's evil for supporting abortion etcetera etcetera. What's up with that?

Still, it's a nice way of getting to know friends and relatives. Now that we're more connected and free to share our thoughts online, we feel much closer to each other. I just hope that we don't abuse it such that we lose our values. The future generations will enjoy much more freedom because of the digital age, and I don't know yet what's next to Twitter or Facebook, but I do hope it's something constructive as opposed to destructive. The fact that no one can fully regulate what happens online makes it all the more challenging for parents, mentors and other people concerned to instill values in our young ones and help them discern right from wrong, appropriate from inappropriate.

BOW.

... 

I know that there's a world out there that functions without regard to me.

Just when I thought I had everything down pat, I find myself in the very situation I've been trying so hard to avoid.  I have to admit I was better off thinking to myself because then, the defenses were stronger. I held my ground in my own stubborn way. The moment other people were in on it was the moment I let my guard down, which brought me... here.

I've thought about this before - I know the pros and I know the cons. It's not worth the risk of addressing the issue or whateverthefuckitis knowing that it's lopsided, or worse, that there really may not be another side to it. Everything could probably be in my head.  The worse thing about this is paranoia because there's now a certain level of consciousness about EVERYTHING.

And this failure to see things as they really are is a hindrance for people to function like their usual selves.  It's a pain to have all these thoughts at the back of your head all the friggin' time. This quote couldn't be any more true now: No one can beat you up as much as you beat yourself up in your own mind.

There's a very thin line between fantasy and reality. You can always try to convince yourself to believe otherwise, but you can't prevent yourself from feeling something, even if you don't like to feel that way. And you just don't mess with feelings because regardless if these feelings are good or bad, you can never say it's wrong to feel something. You feel it because you feel it. It's there.  And you can't really expect people to take your feelings in consideration all the time because, in reality, they have their own to protect.

The key thing here is self-preservation. We have to be responsible for ourselves. There will always be people around to cause hurt knowingly and unknowingly, but the important thing is to know how to deal.

GAME FACE ON!

...

Kung wala ka narin lang sasabihing maganda...

Huwag mo na kong kausapin. Ang inet inet, bwiset!

I thank you. BOW.


....

Everytime I'd ask my friend to come to THIRSTdays he'd say he can't because he has TENNIS.

And I'm like, WHUUUUUT? Why would you prefer to play tennis on a Thirstday?!

I think I've figured out what the "fuck" it is.

SLAM away, my friend. Slam away!!!

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

I cannot be without you, matter-of-fact.

What's so important that, already 20 minutes away from the house, I had turn back home to get it after realizing I left it?

What's so important that, after realizing I left it in the car, I had to ask the driver to take the skyway back to the airport just to bring it to me because I couldn't fly out without it?

What's so important that I had to go through the hassle of asking various authorities to allow me to go out of the airport after I've been cleared by immigration to retrieve that something I forgot in the car?

Oh, why am I so attached to you, my iPod.

Haha.

...

People really do have the tendency to overreact.

Think before you tweet. You run the risk of coming across as stupid to people. And it doesn't matter how many followers you have. When people view your page, your tweets kind of give an idea of who you are. okay?

Given that... if there's one word on a statement tee that would best describe my tweets, it would be: SONG HITS. (Okay, two words yon)


...

Stop spitting on the pavement, geddemmit.

Have some class.

In other news... In other news, thank God blogger is free and you can create as many blogs as you want and not give yourself away too much in this one. Not on Facebook, not on Twitter, and not. here.

I seriously think writing it here or wherever is better than giving it to people. That way, no one gets hurt and no one bears the burden of having to be at the receiving end.


*slams phone*


....

Adolescents? I haven't heard it.

One of the best shows I saw in 2008 was the Incubus concert. I think that was the same year when Maroon 5 came, as well as the first Eraserheads comeback.  They're a pretty old, established band, but not quite as iconic as the Foo Fighters or Red Hot Chili Peppers but I love them. One of my favorite Incubus songs is Megalomaniac and it also ranks high in my list of favorite rock music videos (viewable here because embedding is disabled by YouTube).

They announced that they're going on hiatus in 2008, but now they're back! and I'm so happy to see that Brandon Boyd has aged gracefully. All that herbal nourishment that he gets is doing him good (haha).

Can't wait to see them here in July!

Guilty Pleasures ko 'to, bakit ba?!!!

While we're on the subject of abstinence, let's talk about guilty pleasures. What are guilty pleasures? Well, those are the things that you like or love but can't admit that you like or love openly.  It's not like you'll put it on your Facebook profile or something. Example, my Facebook profile, without looking at it now, will probably have the following listed under Favorite Movies: Almost Famous, The Godfather, Rush Hour, etc...

Now in the absence of more substantial things to do over the holy days (except for work -- even from that I needed to abstain so I turned off my push email after the Holy Thursday conf call, and aside from, ehem, praying), I did a Tagalog movie marathon. I love it. They're baduy, corny and what not, but I have to admit that I've taken to liking most of those made by Star Cinema. Aminin na natin, yaman din lamang alam na ng sambayanan na 'gumimik' ako sa Strumm's in 2011 (bwahahaha).

So, pseudo Facebook profile should read... Favorite Movies: One More Chance (Bea & John Lloyd), Kung Ako Nalang Sana (Sharon & Aga), Dahil Mahal na Mahal Kita (Claudine & Rico), Got to Believe (Claudine & Rico), Paano na Kaya (Kim & Gerald), the 2 Sarah & John Lloyd Movies, All My Life (Kristine & Aga) and my most recent favorite which is also the one with the corniest, cheesiest, yuckiest title: Catch Me, I'm in Love. Gerald Andersoooooooon! If Derek is 2010, Erwan Heussaff is 2011 Q1, Gerald Anderson is 2011 Q2!!!!

Okay, anti-it pala ha! I'm the anti-anti-it. Ako na! Ako na ang baduy!

No worries. Next week, I'll be back in my usual formula-1 loving female self. :D

Abstinence, is it?

Ever since I got a good understanding of religion in class, I never believed in giving up meat on Fridays in observance of the lenten season. The true meaning of abstinence for me is in keeping yourself from something that you really want or love to do. That's probably the ultimate sacrifice because not eating meat doesn't hurt me at all. I can eat fish all week as long as the dish is good.

But, in respect to tradition and as a compromise, I don't eat meat only during Ash Wednesday and Good Friday every lent. On my end, this year, I've given up three things that I really love from Holy Thursday to Easter Sunday, and dude, is it difficult not to give in to temptation! Arrrggggghhhh.

Mind over matter. I can do this! Just a few more hours! Or is it technically over since it's Easter Sunday?

Of Cougars and Rhinos

So after about more than three years, I opened my Yahoo Messenger again because of a friend who wanted to chat about her "heart concerns". Decided to play around it a bit and saw the Yahoo Music feature which let's you tune in to a particular station and then post the song title and artist name as part of your YM Status.

I was going through the 'stations' which were actually music genres and found this:

What the fuck is COUGAR MUSIC? I clicked on the station to find out and "Pour Some Sugar on Me" came on. Wahahahaha! Brownie points for Yahoo for catering to all markets, even the so niche ones like Cougars.

I listen some more then "This Love" by Maroon 5 came on. Hey that's not cougar music! And there's no concrete definition of Cougar Music online either.

Wait, what do we call a male cougar? Oh, right. A Rhino!

But the way I see it, where we are, there are more sexy cougars than rhinos. hehehe

Don't wait, don't wait, don't wait for too long.

The bigger question is, "what happens when we stop fighting it?". Plausible deniability, Blair. Until we know for sure they were wrong.

I can guarantee it.

Go, Bords!!!

Realized that this particular note that has been sitting in my BlackBerry for a couple of months now. It's an excerpt from a motivational speeach that our creative director delivered to me at a time when I had to secure something crucial for a project. I was feeling a bit apprehensive and uncertain that I could pull it off, good thing we were already getting tanked then... and of course, liquid courage helped. Funny how in the middle of his long pep talk, I decided to type it when I should have captured it on video to make it easier on the fingers, but the real intention was to blog it so I guess typing did have a purpose. 

And this is really pretty much how he said it (at least the latter part) and it did get me fired up:

You always assume na magaling ka... pero you will realize na hindi sa lahat ng oras magaling ka. At dahil narecognize mong maraming masmagaling sayo, kailangan gawin mo. Gawan mo ng paraan. Pagbutihin mo pa. Patunayan mo.

Pero ngayong gabi, putangina, dapat ikaw ang pinakamagaling! Isipin mo, kaya mo.  Sabihin mo, putangina niyong lahat, akin 'to!

Isa lang ang opposite ng defeat. Isa lang. Alam mo na yon. Piliin mo kung sino ka don. Tapos putangina na nilang lahat!

----> Hahaha. Kung Pilipino si Leonidas o si Troy, malamang ganito yon.

Sweet dreams are made of this, who am I to disagree?

Was going through a box of photos this afternoon when I came across this piece of paper with a quote from Douglas Coupland's Gen X. I read that book way before and I don't remember what it's about anymore, but I probably had taken note of this quote at a time when Twitter was non-existent.

"After you're dead and buried and floating around whatever place we go to, what's going to be your best memory of earth? What one moment for you defines what it's like to be alive on this planet? What's your takeaway? Fake yuppy experiences that you had to spend money on, like white water rafting or elephant rides in Thailand don't count.  I want to hear some small moment from your life that proves you're really alive."

So what are those moments, really?  Not a particular moment comes to mind now (nothing like the "hearing my firstborn cry for the first time after coming out of my womb" kinda thing), but I do have a list of things that give me a natural high. Life's simple joys: 

1. Feeling loved by the people you care about
2. Walking around alone in a place you've never been before
3. Waking up to the sound of the waves and smell of the sea
4. Your parents telling you they're proud of you
5. Being with friends
6. Cracking a joke that makes everybody laugh
7. Laughing so hard until your tummy aches and your jaw's tired
8. Going on a roadtrip with a really cool bunch of people, coupled with a really good playlist
9. Singing out loud like you really know how to sing
10. Being struck by that one line in a song that somehow articulates how you feel
11. Getting a pat on the back at work and actually believing that you deserve it (because sometimes I get it and I'm like... di nga??!)
12. That first swig from a cold bottle of beer that you've been anticipating all day
13. Dancing like no one's watching
14. Overhearing people say nice things about you
15. Discovering money that you forgot you kept somewhere
16. Releasing all inhibitions and getting hammered out of your senses (couldn't say the same about the morning after, though)
17. The doctors saying mom is well enough to go home after being confined in the hospital
18. Plane taking off and landing (some people hate it but I love it, I get a rush from it)
19. Sitting in a car with someone and feeling perfectly comfortable with the silence and loving every minute of it knowing you don't have to exert an effort to entertain / engage in small talk because you just see eye to eye
20. Satisfying a food craving that you've had for days
21. Seeing a gas station with a good toilet after having been stuck in heavy traffic and controlling your pee
22. Getting little surprises that you really didn't expect (uhm, yeah, it's called a surprise)
23. Watching a concert or an Ateneo game live and screaming your heart out
24. Your favorite sports team emerging victorious
25. Feeling needed -- like you're important to people you love. 

Oblivious to the obvious. Or so they say.

That feeling when you're absolutely certain about something until someone else messes with your head... that's exactly what it is.

How is it possible that different groups of people looking through the same glass window are able to see the same thing and get the same vibe, which the fish in the aquarium are actually oblivious to?  "What the hell are they talking about?" is the question in your head and you feel a bit incredulous about this new information that you have not really considered before.  It's the sort of thing that would probably have never entered your mind unless it was injected into it.

And you think that these people just don't understand because they are not in the aquarium.

And they say...

I only hear what I want to.

Stubborn, you.

Remembering Summers from Years Past

I miss spending summer as a kid. My cousins and I used to sleep in our granparents house for as long as we want while our parents came to see us every Sunday.  There are about 21 of us grandchildren now and before, there used to be about 9 - 11 of us sleeping in the family home in Mandaluyong all at the same time. 

We played all sorts of stuff everyday from traditional Pinoy games to something as weird as catching a cockroach, putting it in a jar of mayonnaise along with about 5 watusis, sealing the bottle and watching it die inside.  Sometimes, our wawa, a nurse, would ask us to help with household chores -- the boys would do vacuum cleaning and the girls would water the flowers in the garden and pick out dead leaves.  She cooked really well and she'd ask us what we want to eat everyday, and believe it or not, none of us requested for fried chicken, pizza or spaghetti then. We'd always ask for the likes of sinigang, adobo, lengua, kare-kare, cadios, callos, tinola, crispy pata, inihaw na baboy, hamburger (it had to be grilled in the house, not bought from Jollibee or McDo), chorizo and all kinds of sausages. Our wowo. a doctor, was a big gourmet eater -- he loved to eat steak (medium rare), different kinds of salads, and cheese.  He also made awesome crepes then and we loved the ones with mangoes in them. But you know, then again, as kids, anything that wowo made was awesome to us probably not because it's really irresistably delicious but because we felt that it's super extra special because we saw our grandfather's effort in making it for us.

On Saturday and Sunday mornings, our wowo would take us out for breakfast.  We loved going to Luk Yuen, Pancake House, Dulcinea, and of course, McDonalds.  While everyone else ate it for afternoon snacks, my cousins and I learned to eat churros for breakfast. We put soy sauce on our ripe mangoes. We all ate balut even before we realized how other people get so grossed out by it.  In the morning, we'd all wait for the taho vendor. If you didn't wake up early enough, then you get no taho. At 3 p.m. we'd all anticipate the Yakult guy to get our lactobacilli shirota strain fix.

Throughout our childhood, our grandparents saw to it that my cousins and I spent time with each other every so often and that's how we've all grown to love each other like brothers and sisters.  We'd go out of town as a big family together with our parents. From Tagaytay, Matabungkay, Batangas to Subic, Zambales, Baguio -- our five/six-car convoy would hit the road and the journey, long or short, was always one of the most enjoyable parts of the trip.  We rode horses in Baguio and instead of staying in the Burnham area, our wowo would ask the horse guys to take us to the streets and allow the horses to run if we requested for it.  We also went biking and that's where I had my first major accident where the sidecar I was riding overturned because I was going too fast (no one else was riding but me. It had to have a sidecar because I couldn't balance on two wheels). I had big bruises but I was laughing the entire time because I remembered my aunt's face so panic-stricken -- it was really funny. My dad was laughing, too, which made everything funnier because we all couldn't stop laughing.  After falling off the bike, we roller-skated and of course I fell off again. I was the crash-test dummy. We are a family of doctors (well, at least most of us) so first aid was always there.

Guess what I miss most about those summers is the company of my cousins. The times have changed and so have our priorities that we don't see each other as often anymore. Looking back, we really owe it to our parents and grandparents for ensuring that we all had a happy childhood.

And most of all, I miss that as kids, we went to places and bought stuff without having to pay for anything. Haha.

P.S. Thought of recoloring my blog and when I reviewed the archive, I realized I've been blogging for about six years now. Wow. This blog and I have established a really strong bond, eh. 

Happy Hours are only fleeting...

...Even if you observe it everyday. Perhaps that's why it only runs for a certain period of time - you're meant to make the most out of it (and also run the risk of regretting things that you took for granted or things that you think you should or shouldn't have done). Pffft. I cannot explain it. You get what you give, you take what you deserve... a load of good vibes also comes with an equivalent load of bad vibes in one way or another. 

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh. Demmit.

.

.

.

.

.

Argh. I hate this feeling.

Subconscious, why??!

The Oscars is happening at the moment...

...and I couldn't stop listening to this song while staring at James Franco's face!!! I love you!!!

 

If you're one of us then roll with us.

I guess people really do have a tendency to scrutinize every move made by the government and some of them have become so disgruntled over the years that they don't realize that instead of constructive criticism, they actually try to find fault immediately.

So the government announced a new domestic tourism advocacy campaign a couple of weeks back and as expected, there were varied reactions but most of them were not favorable coming off of a total disaster which revealed how a logo was plagiarized from another country's tourism board.

The new campaign title and slogan is meant as a call to action for Filipinos to travel the Philippines and contribute to the economy by spurring domestic tourism.  It's pretty easy to grasp when you actually know the idea behind it (handle, big idea, whatever the fuck you call it, fool).

But apparently, it's very hard for some people to comprehend anything, be it in English or Tagalog. This comment is my favorite simply because it makes me feel better about myself.

Ikaw na. Ikaw na ang magaling!!!

And you're not one of us, so in short, hindi ka kasama sa mga niyayayang maglakbay dito sa Pilipinas o saan man sa mundo.

who doesn't get it?!

Argh. Can you really take someone who has "slut" in her Twitter username seriously?

Must. get. immune. to. this. because. I. am. not. me.

Obviously, I think I'll be back on blogger more often now. It's not like I can rant about these things "there".

This is still my emotional dumpsite. No less than 140 characters.

I'm schizophrenic

So... this is how it feels like to manage two personalities.

I never thought I'd get enough of Twitter but it's becoming like iniinit na ulam to me... I ate it na last night, it's still my breakfast, lunch, merienda, dinner and midnight snack.

Confession: I almost made a mistake of posting a sarcastic #nowplaying entry through the OTHER account. Shets. Haha

Oh, you're right. Thanks.

It's one of those days, eh?

Hnnnnnnngrh.

Album of the Year, Seriously?!

I consider myself a sort of music junkie, at least a bit more than the regular Joe, and it beats me that I have never heard of The Suburbs or their album, Arcade Fire, until it was announced at The Grammys that they won Album of the Year.  Seriously, who the hell are these guys? And I just saw some videos on YouTube now and I'm really wondering if they're really worthy of a Grammy.

Did they rig it? I'm not leaning towards pop most of the time but I feel that Eminem should've won it this year (with Katy Perry and Lady Gaga as close contenders).  What I used to complain about The Grammys is its tendency towards popularity that it fails to highlight the artistry in the music.  I kind of feared that Justin Bieber would win Best New Artist (but he didn't, thank God). I was rooting for Florence and the Machine, which also didn't win, but I'm fine with the winner.

But, ARCADE FIRE? Who the hell are The Suburbs?! Usually, the winner of Album of the Year is known by everyone -- because it's Album of the Friggin' Year.  Oh, and apparently, I'm not alone: WHO IS ARCADE FIRE?

Now, remind me to not take The Grammys seriously.

Thanks.

Hearts Day?!?

I've been asked many times over who's my date tonight. No one. And if they knew me well enough, they'd know that even if I were in a relationship, nothing will happen on Valentine's Day because I'm corny and baduy like that.

Unless he works for close-up and we'd be obliged to participate in that lovapalooza thing.

Which is still, like, eeew to me.

Shucks I forgot to wear earrings today.

My thumbs are itching...

but I can do this. I have something to prove and I will prove it. In 160 characters or less. Or right, none at all.

.....

Homaygad I think I know na what this is.

Hormonal imbalance! I haven't had it for a while that I might have forgotten what it's like.

I thought about this when I realized... why the hell am I listening to slow songs?! Slow as in I've got Katy Perry's Thinking of You on loop and it's not even applicable or in context - meaning the song holds no personal meaning.

In some instances when my estrogen levels are low, I'm usually irritable but I'm not. So now I guess I'm like... in a funk.

I kind of kept to myself in my room all day watching movies, sleeping or reading a book  (except when it was time for dinner).

I know of friends who'd be in a funk and post emo statuses and tweets, one of them temporarily deactivated her Facebook for a week, another deleted her twitter account then created another one after 5 days, someone drove all the way up to Tagaytay to coffee at the Cliff by herself, and here I am questioning life.

Tss. Female hormones.

---

For fast-acting relief: Try Slowing Down

We say 'mind over matter' if we want to concentrate or control something in belief that the mind is more powerful than the body, but I also think that sometimes we also need to mind the matter and not abuse our bodies.  After quite a hectic week, I'm having a steady Saturday night at home for two reasons: one, because I think I need to slow down and two, because my dad said so. Hahaha couldn't really argue with that (he needed me to stay with mom tonight since my sister is in Subic and he has a golf event to attend).

I mentioned this on twitter and I mention this here again: Nobody can beat you up as much as you can beat yourself up in your own mind. The problem with people who think too much is that they're never satisfied.

There's a sort of paradigm shift that's happening here. Before, I used to say that I like going with the flow, living in the present and not knowing what's going to happen in the future. It's one of those bizarre days when the mood is like bleh, I'm staring on a leaf being blown away from the pavement, when it hit me: Am I supposed to just go with the flow? Isn't that akin to complacency? Should I be doing something about... something?  How do I make life a little less ordinary? So I'm doing what I'm doing now and then???  

And this is not just a question about work and the future, but life in its entirety. People are born into the world, grow up, go to school, go to work, get married, have children, have grandchildren and die. And then?  Wouldn't it be easier to have nothing instead? No higher being, no universe, no planets, no people... nothing. If there's nothing, then there's nothing. (aaaaaaaah!!!! Nagmemeron ako, lalong lumalabo!)

Anyway, going back to "going with the flow", the challenge here is that I don't know what I want. Just like choosing a restaurant for lunch, unless there's a strong craving, I'm pretty much okay with anything. And I'm okay. Not cloud-nine happy or sad. Just fine. I'm in that space between.  And when people ask me if I'm happy, I kind of say yes and that's because I'm not sad. I do what I do because I can do it and I do it because I'm committed to it, but I don't think I'm intrinsically motivated (like a director's passion for film, a singer's passion for music). Where there is no love, it becomes a routine mechanical exercise. Or maybe I'm intrinsically motivated but I don't know it?

Then again, this is probably a result of thinking too much. Sometimes we expect too highly of ourselves that we become unreasonably concerned (or something like that), and make a fuss out of something that we shouldn't be worrying about.  All this restlessness plaguing the youth!

If this is the right hand (hold it up in front of you) and this is the left hand (do the same), how does a hand that's neither right or left look?

Question.

This is probably the sort of stuff that can be resolved in Boracay, because for some reason, that place makes everything alright.

social media usage?

Facebook asks us, "What's on your mind?" and we post what's happening. Twitter asks, "What's happening?" and we tweet about what's on our minds.

This is not to say we're better than you because there's no need to state the obvious.

What you don't realize, FOOL, is that you wasted our friggin' time. I knew instantly that you weren't worth it. You weren't worth my USD 250 rate per hour.

You are a fucking fool. You are so a fucking fool that one day you'll look back at that moment, that very moment when you gave it to me as I was traversing the length of skyway all the way to Filinvest, and regret it. I didn't have it in me then, and you were fuckin' lucky that I didn't have it in me to make you realize explicitly what a fucking fool you are. Well, maybe I did but you were so fucking stupid that you didn't get the drift.

When that moment comes - maybe not tomorrow, not next week, maybe not even the next few months - but it will come, I tell you, and I'm so fucking sure you won't know it. You won't know what friggin' hit you because like I said, you're a fuckin' fool.

And God bless you. God bless you because when he showered the world with intelligence and smartness and common sense and whatever you call it, I'm so fucking sure you were not there.

You, moron, should look out for that moment... That very moment when your loose ass gets fucked for real. I say loose because you've probably been fucked well a number of times.

And you are about to get the fuck of your lifetime.

And it's going to be

LEGEN... FUCKING... Wait for it...

DARY.

Wawwits.

I'm not usually online on Facebook chat, and one of the few times I hit the "Go Online" button (like today) and disregard all the stealth settings, some person pings me. You, my friend, are the reason why I don't go online. And the funny thing is... I cannot ignore you.

It could be you.

It could be you.

It could be you.

It could be anyone of you.

Overheard In the Office

At a meeting in my room:

Me : Guys, I feel a bit under the weather. My head hurts a little and my skin is so sensitive. Touch it and parang mahapdi. And I feel hot inside, too. Plus my throat is kinda sore. I don't feel like driving.

Teammates: (in unison) NOOOOOO!

Teammate 1: What are you drinking?

Me: Bioflu. Dahil babangon ako sa bioflu!

Teammate 2: No, you can't get sick.

Me: Uhmmmm... I know I can't get sick. But I'm just saying I'm feeling a bit sick now. Coming down with the flu. Flu lang naman.

Teammate 1: Don't say that. That's what Paolo said before!

Me: Duuuuh. I don't think you'll lose me now.

Teammate 2: but you can't get sick! (Forcefully, now) Can you just rest? Go straight home. SLEEP EARLY AT HUWAG KA MUNANG UMINOM. PUEDE?!

Me: *Speechless dahil semi nasigawan* (thought bubble: and what makes you think that I drink everyday from work???)

Teammate 1 looks incredulously at Teammate 2.

(and then realizing she raised her voice...)

Teammate 2: Sorry. I mean, rest ka nalang muna. I think you need it.

So, this must be how parents feel like when being told what to do by their children.  Nonetheless, I took her advice. Maybe she's right, but for the record, I didn't drink last Sunday and I have yet to get totally hammered this year. Well, it's only the 17th day of 2011.

That seeming alcoholic reputation is really a misconception. Homaygad. What would Lindsay Lohan do?

2010

Can't believe how fast 2010 went by. I can still remember writing my year-end post for 2009 and the horrible fact that I missed the Nine Inch Nails concert (2009) remains fresh in my memory. It doesn't even feel like it has been over a year since we launched Windows 7 or when Kimi Raikkonen decided to leave Formula 1.

When I revisited my 2009 year-end post, I realized that I'm still thankful for the same things. The best things about 2009 I also got in 2010, only more and better.  2010 was generally good, like what Chinese Astrology predicted for us born on the year of the pig. I'd say only the last quarter was tough, the first three ones were great.

In 2010, I got to see more of the world, gained more weight (I'll be the damned the day I'm able to say I LOST weight), worked hard and partied harder.

More than a couple of times last year, I was made to appreciate all the blessings that I have and the many things I should be thankful for. I began to see little things in a great way, like hearing my mom's voice in the morning calling my name to wake me up, going home to eat whatever she prepared for dinner or being forced to go home because it was late and she's worried about me. Honestly, there was a point when I didn't think I'd get to experience these things again, but here we are and I have the high heavens to thank for that. I have witnessed many times over that not everybody gets a second, third or fourth chance at life on earth and we really just have to be grateful for whatever we have.

On a lighter note, I also appreciate having had the chance to spend time with myself, my friends and family wandering the streets of other countries or simply marveling at the beauty of the sea, eating great food or sharing a few bottles of beer (okay, I'm lying with "few"). I might have partied a little to hard at times, having come face to face with my own bile at one time, but we're only young once and life is fleeting. We should enjoy life as it is. Live in the present with care for the future. This is it.

So I finally got to finish this post which I started last year. 2010 was simple -- it was all about appreciating the little things in life.

I might be sounding a little too cheesy here and I don't know if I'm able to properly convey how I really feel.  After certain events last year, I'm just so fucking thankful for every geddemn day. I hope that sounds more like me now.

haha.

Define "Drunken Facebook Status."

What about "Drunken Tweet"?



And when I woke up, I don't know what the hell was this about. Haha. NATURAL HIGH so true. :)